Hello,

today I found out that my girl friend cheated on me (2 year relationship). We broke up but she's keep calling me because there's a major project due for a company where she needs my help to finish. If she can't finish the project by Thursday, it's likely that she's going to be fired from her current job.

Should I help her or should I just ignore her? Is it possible to be friend with your ex?

walk away

duh... is you have to ask, you probably already know the answer.

Then again, if being walked all over is your "thing"...who are we to stop you???

Tell her yes and don't answer her calls, she'll figure it out, unless you like being played for a fool even more.

Well she did cheat on you, it's the least you could do. Face it man, you owe her.

How long ago was the break up?

If you didn't help her would you feel guilty and would it weigh on you? If the answer is yes, I think you have her answer - help her. It's definitely possible to be friends with an ex, but only you can decide if you want to have her remain in your life now or at some point in the future. I will say if I found out that someone betrayed me by cheating on me I wouldn't want them in my life, at least in the immediate future.

I wouldn't help, it's possible to be friends with an ex, for me it wouldn't be this one though. Of course this all depends on why she cheated, people make mistakes and if you had something to do with it you may want to help.

So it's best for me to burn the bridge. I guess there's no hope for friendship

2 year relationship and you broke it off the same day you found out?  are you serious about that? if so then wtf do you care.. if you think you'll get back with her, why would you help her not get fired.... do you really want to be the man of the house with the job?  ...on the other hand, if she did get fired, she would neeeeeed you.

sounds to me like she's finding out that there are consequences to her actions...the HARD way.

Solong!

Don't  you dare help her.

Yeah, it's possible to be friends with an ex. I'm friend with a lot of mine. But if one fucked around on me during a two year relationship, I would never talk to them again. Let alone help them out in any way.

Oh yeah, I found out that she cheated on me today and the project is due with in two days. TALK ABOUT PERFECT TIMING!

get her to give you all of her better looking friend's numbers, & predilections.

How about you help out another girl she works out.  Return the cheating favor.

"Oh yeah, I found out that she cheated on me today and the project is due with in two days. TALK ABOUT PERFECT TIMING!"

She has some nerve asking for your help considering!

Did she tell you and then ask for help or did you just happen to find out?

Tell that trollop you'll do it for $5,000! At least get properly compensated for your work!

Or you could even let her move in with you when she loses her job and can't pay her rent.  Or maybe you could give her money.   If she can't finish a project on her own, does she even deserve the job?

All you have to do is pick up the phone and say this:

"Bitch pleeze."

Then hang up.

On second thought, I'd help her, but do the project wrong so she gets fired.   Then just laaaaauugh...

Vindictive?  You bet I am!

Is the favor she's asking for is time/resources consuming? If not, why not help her stand out as a better man. Just remind her that this will be your last time helping her because she cheated on you.

[How about you help out another girl she works out.  Return the cheating favor.]

I have yet to figure out where the brilliance is in showing what a lowlife you can be in return for someone being a lowlife to you.  If you both want to be lowlifes, I guess this is a good thing.  If you want to just move forward, tell her adios, know that karma will find her sometime, and don't do something like this to "prove" you can be equally rotten.

Why would you help her, is a much better question.

Why would you want to help a cheater at all?  Why would you want to be friends with someone who chose to do this to someone she loves?  Are you hoping to get her back if you do something nice, and think that you'll make her realize the (not-so-accidental) error of her ways?  You won't.  Cheaters cheat, and ultimately do what benefits them.  Saving her butt is what's in it for her.  You're just "along for the ride."

I'd tell her no, without a second thought.

Bigger question, why are you thinking about being friends with her after she cheated on you?

Ok, that's three of us.  :-)

If she can't do it herself, chances are she doesn't deserve the position she vacates in the first place.

I guess there is your answer bud. Everyone except me said don't help her. Majority can't be wrong or you can call it common sense.

Overall I'd say hell no, don't help her. But I'm curious, how did you find out? How long ago was it, was it one time or a long-term affair, etc. etc. Not that cheating is ever okay, but if she just confessed that a year and a half ago, one drunken night she cheated on you, never did again, and is sorry.. I'd be more likely to say help her than if she was continuously cheating on you.

In all seriousness, I agree with Michele.  Why would you want to be friends with someone who didn't think enough of your feelings to treat you properly?  Just say no.

Say you are going to help her....then just before the deadline, bail so she doesn't get the project done....she cheated now you cheated (.....her out of completing something)......you're even.....move on.

I said it depends, we still don't know if the OP was an angel himself. This is one of those questions at least for me there's not enough info to answer, the older I get the more I learn things aren't so easy to decide.

The one statement that makes the most sense is from Gary S., if she needs help...then yes she is not up to it.

I say no.

You've already been taken advantage of once.  Why let her do it again?  Would most of us ask an ex we hurt for more help?  She's asking you because she knows you'll say yes.

No no no no no no.

Charge her for your help and only accept payment in cash.

Ooooh Chris.  That's a great idea.  He should write up a contract and have her sign it too.

She'd probably just cheat him out of the agreed upon fee...

Hell no! I wouldn't even consider it.

There has to be more to this story than is being expressed in the op...
were you having thoughts of cheating on her before she cheated on you?
have you wronged her in some other way and feel like you owe her one?

Say you'll do it.  Come on, be the better man.   Meet her tomorrow night, but let her know the only way you'll be down for helping is one last fling for old time's sake.  Also, contract syphilis tomorrow morning.

be the better man my ass.

Do not help this girl.

"Adam "Monkey Business" L. says:

All you have to do is pick up the phone and say this:

"Bitch pleeze."

Then hang up."

Agreed.

This is what happened, my gut told me that something was wrong for past four months and today I secretly looked at her messages. She has been sending "I love you, miss you honey" messages to the guy. Right then, I told her that it's over. After 2 fucking hours, she keeps calling me to be her friends and help the project. I called her friends and they thought that she broke up with me, they were shocked because they knew that my ex was dating another guy. I have a feeling that the other guy doesn't know that he too is a victim.

The apartment she's staying is under my name because she doesn't have a good credit. I am just going to contact the landlord this week to cancel the contract and end all ties with her.

But come on, this was a 2 and half year relationship and she dates another guy for past 3 months! What's makes it more interesting she kept blabbering about how it'll be great if we married.

You should make nice, and say that you are doing the project. Be genuine and act hurt, not pissed, tell her that you thought you had something special and this relationship is salvageable...

Even show up for whatever/whenever the project is. But when it's go time for your essential part... be gone, my friend... like the wind.

This way, she doesn't have time to set up a last second backup plan.

Maybe the other dude can hook her up with a pad in his name.

I guess I just don't understand this tit for tat setup stuff.   Whatever happened to, "I'm shocked.  I'm stunned.  I'm saddened.  I You played me for a fool, and I'm not helping you.  You made your own bed; now lie in it?"

No.

NEXT!

The clueless honey bastard she "misses" needs to be filled in.

Tie up loose ends while you take out the trash.

People are still advice and dude is still seeking for more?

SJ   "F" her and her project.  Unless she needs the one last component for curing cancer, why are we still talking about this?

Or you could just drag it on for a decade or so and become bitter and angry.

C.J. = awesome.

make a business arrangement, get paid. no emotions. nothing. if you feel bad asking for money, ask for a macbook or something conditional.

if not, leave.

Wow, what a bunch of bitter, vengeful pricks.  Whatever happened to forgiveness?  Taking the high road?  Doing a good deed?

SJ, I say help her with the project.  If she is someone that you truly care(d) about, you don't want to see her suffer, despite what she put you through, right?  After that, I would say cut all ties but it's impossible to judge whether any relationship or friendship is salvageable, without knowing a lot more about you both andyour relationship so far.

Nope, if she wanted another guy, she should have ended it with him. Let the other guy help her out and forget her ass!

David, you and I are in minority here.

Best to eliminate the negative from one's life.

Helping her just keeps it close and toxic.

Jettison or be benevolent and accept the turmoil without complaining.

@ Dave- Its a job.

Shes not dying.

She *could* just put on a pot of coffee and pull a few all nighters. If she can't finish a simple project or have the brains to find someone she didn't cheat on to help her, than she has no longevity in this company anyways.

suck it up.

if she was homeless and had no place to live, fair enough.  if a bear gnawed off her foot and you have to visit her in the hospital, fair enough.

but this is just stepping on your kindness.

@ diae--If it were someone that I loved, I would want to help her, plain and simple.  Who cares if she's "stepping on his kindness"?  She could be the most evil human since Hitler.  What is the difference?  It's not about whether she deserves it.

You guys are missing one key element of the story (although I am certain, there is a lot more):  She got caught sending "I love you texts" to another man while still in a relationship with the OP (and I am assuming a he), living in an apartment he acquired on her behalf and helping her with a project for her job.  If he hadn't caught her, chances are she would have carried out the charade until the project was done and she got what she needed from him.  Her own friends thought she had broken up with him a while ago so she was leading a double life at his expense.

I highly doubt she has any remorse about what she did, except maybe the getting caught part.  No one needs friends like that.  There are actions and there are consequences.  Losing him as a benefactor is the consequence of her behavior.

Amen

I'm not missing any key elements.  I stand by my opinion.

YES, you Can be Friends, in these times, she could possibly begging for your help

You know what I find odd?  that in two years on Yelp, you've only found one place to review.  Maybe she cheated because you never took her out.

My guess this is research for an article.

When SJ recovers from the "shell shock" of having been cheated on he's going to be angry and bitter as a mofo.  He needs to do two things right now:  

1) Say no.  When the true anger and confusion settle in whatever he feels will multiply exponentially by the realization he was used - again.  My guess is he's been helping this ex out for quite some time.

2) Get tested for STDs.  Fact of the matter is this: when someone cheats on you they're putting your life at risk.  

Love schmove.  Keep it real and take care of yourself emotionally and physically.  Good luck.

I think you need to cut ties and move on... you didn't deserve to be lied to
and she doesn't deserve your help... she should go ask her new stud muffin or her friends to
help her.   and YEAH, get your name off of that lease!

dont confuse any offer of help with the relationship, it sounded like you thought 'if I helped out, maybe we'll have a chance'.

If you want to help to be a nice guy that is 1 thing, but dont tie it to future hope, you can walk away on the high road knowing you did nothing wrong.  After 2 years I am guessing you had some serious feelings for her and affair or not those dont go away overnight, even in broken trust, wanting to see the other one suffer this bad is just as evil as what she did to you, she will likely loose her job and her apartment, she may even loose guy #2 now that her girlfriends know what she was up to, that is justice. Do you also want to hurt her more is the question, if so play some of the above games, if not walk, if you really want that high road, help her, but then walk, once a cheater....

If you leave this with something as nasty as she did, you may regret some day that at a moment in time you could have been the better person but chose to lower yourself simply for revenge.  Its not fairplay, its just more bitterness in a bad situation, to get past it faster, walk

Look guy, there is a simple doctrine which has encapsulated the American consciousness over the course of the past few generations. This simple doctrine is this:

NOT MY PROBLEM

Why is this your problem? It isn't. Move along, citizen.

here are my two cents:

if you refuse to help her out of spite, you're just as bad as she is.
if you honestly cannot help her, then tell her so and move on. she's an adult and she's responsible for her own work.

Brooke,

Out of spite? Just as bad?

Do you equate not helping someone who has lied and cheated on you with not helping them complete a project for work, a project that they should be able to do on their own anyway?

i'm with those who said, "bitch, PLEASE"

i mean, i've been cheated on and there's no way in hell i'd help out my ex, especially not RIGHT AFTER the fact.  maybe in time, you can be friends because let's be honest, 2 years is a long time and i'm sure there are deep feelings there.  but she made her bed, now let her lie in it.  Don't do something nasty/get revenge, just don't do anything.  MAN UP!

I'd say help her if she were in danger or in the hospital... or something dire because you obviously care about her as a person.

But if it's some project, then why isn't she asking someone else to help (the person she cheated on you with) or any of her friends or family members? I don't know the whole story but she sounds pretty selfish.

It's ultimately up to you. If you have this overwhelming desire to help her, then help her. But then make sure to assess your friendship with her and see if its true or if she just wants to continue using you.

re-reading what I wrote..

them = a friend

Brooke, it is pure and simple: It is NOT his problem!!!!

SJ- you my friend are a perfect example of a guy with no balls!

Dude yeah go ahead help her with her project................also convince her to let you be he rnew guys fluffer....you know so he can stay hard and pound her longer.....

Don't help her.

If she asks again, tell her no and add, "I wish you the best in everything that you do." Afterwards, hang up the phone or turn around and walk away and never look back. Cheaters will always cheat again.

Ok, let me get this straight...

You were already broken up with her when you agreed to help her.  You just found out that while you were with her she cheated on you.  Is that right?

If this is the case, then I think you should help her since you already agreed to do it.  After that, tell her that you know she cheated on you and have a nice life.  Go ahead and burn that bridge.  

Does she know that you know that she cheated?  Is the help your giving her something easy to do and won't take up a lot of your time?  If this "help" is really involved and will take too much effort on your part, then to hell with it.  If she didn't put the effort into keeping her zipper up while you were together than she deserves nothing else from you.

paul: i'm not saying cheating is okay, and i'm not saying cheating and being spiteful are on the same part of the "bad things to do to other people" spectrum. what i am saying, is that no good can come of a spiteful, petty, "eye for an eye" mentality. i'm sure you've heard the saying about the latter.

an: i feel like i said that this girl is an adult who is responsible for her own work? i just don't think he should refuse as a way to "get back at her". refusing for any legitimate reason ("i can't/i don't want to/etc") is fine.

"paul: i'm not saying cheating is okay, and i'm not saying cheating and being spiteful are on the same part of the "bad things to do to other people" spectrum. what i am saying, is that no good can come of a spiteful, petty, "eye for an eye" mentality. i'm sure you've heard the saying about the latter."

I agree, Brooke.  I always try to be the "better person."  It's not easy at times, but it makes me able to live with myself.  No regrets.

S J ....grow a pair!

amy: good on you! i totally understand the feeling of wanting to make someone pay for the wrong they've done, but it hardly ever works out right. better to forget it, move on, and be happy.

SJ "000" Y. says:
"...I called her friends and they thought that she broke up with me, they were shocked because they knew that my ex was dating another guy. I have a feeling that the other guy doesn't know that he too is a victim....

But come on, this was a 2 and half year relationship and she dates another guy for past 3 months! "
--------------------------------------------------------------

You guys are full of shit. If you just found out that your significant other was dating, not just drunkenly blew once or worse fucking on occasion, but dating and sending "I Love You" messages, there is NO WAY you would take the high road. And if you did, well, than you must be a masochist.

This isn't a case of "being the better person." I think that it's been established that this chick didn't set that bar too high. What a person like this needs is a dose of reality and to learn that fucking people over has consequences.

Brooke,

I agree that eye for an eye only leaves everyone blind, and is not a response I use.

You say that you don't equate the two, but then say that no good can come from an 'eye for an eye' mentality.  By definition, that is equating the two ( eye for an eye).

I don't equate the two at all.  I think it would be ridiculous for me to ask you to talk to me, much less help me out of a jam by completing a project after I had cheated on you.  To me, that isn't even close to being 'eye for an eye'.

Refusing to interact with a person who has just done this to you has nothing to do with being spiteful...

Amy,

I don't think that refusing to help someone complete a project after they've cheated on you makes you less of 'the better person'.  If anything, I think it's kind of silly for someone to expect you to help them in that situation.

Update:

I told her I can't help her. She's keep calling me and begging for help. Now, I think about, she has no regards for my feelings and is only worried about her job and apartment. Now that I think about it, last week she begged me to buy her L&V bag and I bought it for her. The more I think and write about, the more I...

Well, thanks yelpers.

People will take as much advantage of you as you will let them.

Spread the generosity elsewhere,  where is will be appreciated and deserved.

Fine line between a friend and a fool....the line between drunk & sober is more grey.

mike: you bet i'd want to bust the windows out of his car - but i wouldn't. that just makes me look crazy. i would walk away. i'm fine with him not helping her - telling her he doesn't want her in his life and just moving on. i'm just not advocating vengeance. that's all.

paul: i guess since we're playing semantics...she hurt him, so deciding to "hurt her back" by not helping her with an important project would be "an eye for an eye". this does not mean that cheating and refusing to help someone out of a jam are the same thing. i totally agree with you that he can (and probably should) just tell her he wants nothing else to do with her and let that be that. but i don't think that's the same as saying "i'm not going to help you because you cheated on me and you deserve to be fired, muahahahahaha!"

SJ----DUHHHHHHHH  gO GROW A PAIR! AND find another chick to use them with!

This woman is just a leech SJ.  Do not help her and keep ignoring her phone calls.  RUN and never look back.

I'll admit that I didn't read all of this thread.  Relationship threads bore me.  You are never ever getting the full story and the talk just goes round and round and round...  I don't make a practice of banging my head against a wall either (which is what reading relationship threads is to me.)

Anyway,  your friends knew she was dating someone for three months and didn't think to ask you (her boyfriend of two years) about the assumed "break-up"?  Nice friends.

Look its sassy pantalones!!

well, if you need the money the project will pay.. maybe?? umm NO

but after 2 years.. you helped her with an apartment; you bought her stuff; you helped her with work

what more can you do? Just curious did you help her buy a car?

++++Do you plan on relocating? I don't need a car or apartment..  internet help would be appreciated..(JOK)E++++

Joking aside.. you did a lot for her in the scope of a loving relationship.. now you are in the shock of an unexpectedly ending of one. Stay away. You don't really wish to do anything you will regret. Or say anything in anyone's workplace which would reflect badly on you.

You were able to reach some of her friends .. she can call them.. one of them can help her..And if the work is too technical and needs a special expertise which you have and she/they don't have.. her place of work has  an IT department, coffee vendors,  and likely can outsource other work.

If she were in the hospital that's very different.

Brooke, I get what you are saying, and I wasn't advocating any sort of retribution like, throwing a bitch down a flight of stairs. It just strikes me that how he describes this woman, makes it look like she is a special breed of lowlife. The manner in which she uses people makes helping her now, after these revelations, would make him a doormat and an enabler.

mike: yeah - i definitely didn't read the entire thread/don't know both sides of the story. but cheating/lying and then playing the victim is pretty vile. glad to know i'm safe on the stairs if you're nearby, though. lol

She cheated on you, took advantage of you, lied to you and now wants your help to finish a project for her job? If that is how she does things in her life, then she deserves any consequences she will face. Sounds like this girl lacks maturity.

Tell her the "Boyfriend Benefit Plan®" has been cancelled.

Yeah, it sounds to me like you'd be doing this girl a favor by not giving her cake and letting her eat it too. Even if she has to work the corner for a while to get a new place, at least she'll learn the value of an honest day's work. Or something. Be strong, ignore her. No need to do anything else, just ignore her.

Matt!!!! you are totally right

Mmmmm...cake...

Are you serious? I would have to say HELL NO! No way in hell would I help someone who...well did me wrong.

You shouldn't help her out!! Was she concerned about you or your health? What happens...if she gives you a disease? AIDS OR HIV. If she loses her job....oh well. Don't buy into her anymore. Doing so ....you'll be justifying her bad actions. JUST SAY NO!!

LMAO!! Dan, thats cold... but probably true!!

Thank you yelpers.

This is what I learned:

Don't become a doormat. All of my friends told me that I am just too nice to girls. This may be good in the beginning but after a while, no longer will she be thankful for your kindness. So guys, don't become a doormat by giving in to your girlfriend, it will result in a healthier relationship for sure.

SJ,

Hopefully, you won't be a doormat to anyone, girlfriend or not.

Uh...not the case, SJ.  Be nice to girls, but know when they are just taking advantage of you.  Also, "nice" does not mean buying things.  If someone just wants you to buy and do things for them, then something is not right.  Be nice, but don't be foolish.

""SJ "000" Y. says:
Update:
I told her I can't help her. She's keep calling me and begging for help. Now, I think about, she has no regards for my feelings and is only worried about her job and apartment. ""

good job SJ - that had to be really difficult.    I'm sure it's really REALLY difficult not answering the phone!!  since most cellphones cant block numbers, you COULD put a 'silent' ringtone for her calls alone  - to make it easier to ignore.

working with someone who disrespected you pretty much in the worst way ever -- would have been too difficult to do so soon after the break up because of finding out she cheated.  

She's clearly self-serving; while it doesn't make it any easier given the time you have invested, it will help you get past this a bit better.

I wish you luck!!

There's a difference between being nice to peole (GFs included) and allowing yourself to be walked all over.  You can have a spine and still be nice.  

The second you let people take advantage though, it usually opens the floodgates, and the requests keep piling up.  Somewhere in there you need to find that fine line for yourself.

Tell her that she needs to sleep with you and do it however you like it - then you will help her.

Then don't. =P

The details helped, nope I wouldn't do a thing. Anything at all, such as don't even pick up the phone.

Wow- tough situation for you, and I am sorry that you are going through it, but I think you made the right decision by letting her know directly that you can't help her out.

Also, set that silent ring tone for her number on your mobile- that way you won't be reminded of her constant calls.

I wouldn't help her but if your asking your probably going to.

Do things like this really happen? Women beg for LV bags and men buy them? This is so outside my realm of experience, it nearly sounds fake to me.

Sounds like you're not going to help her. In the future, I would recommend not getting involved with women who beg you for material items. Also, looking at people's private electronic communications (you didn't specify email or texting) is not okay in my book. It doesn't make her actions any less reprehensible, obviously. But if you reach the point where you're considering looking through a significant other's texts or emails, you should probably just break up with them anyway.

Meh... Karma. She already created bad karma for herself, now the question is... Is this the bad karma for her if you don't help her? Or are you creating your own bad karma?

I suppose it's what you believe. :)

If the roles were reversed, would you expect her to help you?  Seriously, if she's saying "I love you" to this guy, he should be helping her ass.  You shouldn't feel bad about it, clearly she's got other people who can jump right in.  If she can't do her work, there are many other people out there who would be great at her job, and obviously need it more than she does.

And furthermore, why couldn't she have been working on it?  Because she was juggling her time with 2 guys?  Easy choice.

""Amanda "Esmeralda Fitzmonster" G. says:
Do things like this really happen? Women beg for LV bags and men buy them? This is so outside my realm of experience, it nearly sounds fake to me.""

It's not outside the realm of possibility.  It is outside MY own realm of experience because  one, I wouldn't beg -- and two, I'm not a slave to designer names; and 3, it just strikes me as childlike to have to ask for something to be purchased FOR me. I can buy it myself if I want it that bad.

However, I DO know women who will badger a guy  to death for something they want if they're in a LTR. The why always confounded me...but they DO exist.

"Tell her that she needs to sleep with you and do it however you like it - then you will help her. "

"Then don't. =P"

- - - - - - -

Miguel FTW

Can we say "gold digger"?

Haha..  Yeah I'm totally with Jackie P. Suggestion

Karma works wonders.

A woman I was with, (near the end of the relationship), was getting more and more dependant on my funds to take care things....her bills, her son's and would get annoyed if I bought things for myself.

Enough!

We separated and about a year passes when I get a phone from a a bill collector asking for her.  Apparently she has run into rough financial times.  

Karma.

hell no

f*&% no! she cheated...what comes around goes around....in different ways.....but then again is up to you to decide. good luck.

If she's hot, help her... She might return the favor by cheating on the current guy. Then ditch her.

I havent read the whole thread but has anyone told you that you should help her spontaneously combust? Or just regular combustion, that would work. I guarantee you she will forget all about that project. If she survives you can bring beef jerky to one of her skin graft sessions and say " Woah, I guess you dont want any. You brought your own!" Or just blow her off.

She used you once, shame on her.

Let her use you again, then shame on you!
-G

well, I am curious what happened??

It was last week when the project was  due.
Did he help?

it sounds like she's a real user, and it sounds like you've been a conscious enabler. if you think not helping her will cause you even more pain, then figure out a way you can do it without being a victim.

since she has used you monetarily with so little regard to your feelings, if you're even thinking of helping her, make it on totally business grounds. charge her per hour for your assistance, to be paid after the project its completed, just as you would any anonymous client. if you can't ensure your reimbursement, just say no. i don't think it sounds like her word alone can be trusted.