Reuben "L'IDIOT" H.'s Profile

Epic FAIL of a year starting out lively and entertaining for all the wrong reasons.

Your current captain, John Terry?  Though a hilarious read on its own, he can probably best be labeled: Scumbag.

http://www.dailymail.c...

But who will Mr. Capello choose to replace John "KD Lang Hair Cut" Terry as the captain of England's national team before they head into the World Cup (and the buzz saw that is the mighty mighty US National Team!)?  Especially considering many of this fine gentleman's teammates have been quoted calling him "scum" and describing his actions as "immoral and unforgivable."  Why the harsh words?  Well on top of being outed for sleeping with a teammates girlfriend (and baby mama), he has been caught doing a lot...  But let me list just a few things...
Shortly after the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001 was spotted in Heathrow airport drunkenly mocking grieving American tourists.
April 2005- a woman claims having sex with him in the stall in a night club rest room while she had a cast on her leg and was using crutches.
The list is long and if you are interested in reading more details- feel free to check out the article listed above.

So onto possible captains for the team then-
Steven Gerrard: 29 years old.  Solid attacking midfielder for LiverFAIL.  Likes to get into bar brawls after a few too many Carlsbergs.  He attacks on and off the pitch!

Rio Ferdinand: 31 years old.  Stalwart central defender for ManUre.  Likes to drinky drinky.  Oh, and drinky-drivey too.  Has served a ban in the past for doping.

Wayne Rooney: 24 years old.  Scoring machine for ManUre.  Bad-tempered and has been caught with prostitutes in the past (six years ago).  Might be too young to hold the title of captain.

Frank Lampard: 31 years old.  Midfielder for Chelsea, and teammate of England's #1 Moral Citizen- Terry, was a part of the same group of outstanding citizens who mocked grieving American tourists at an airport just hours after the terrorist attacks.  Also has been caught in multiple adulterous affairs.

So who does that realistically leave?  David Beckham?  Really?  REALLY?!?!?  You want HIM to be the captain of your team?  The same guy who was mocked for coming to America to finish his career three years ago?!?!?  You want him, with his sordid past, and his lack of leadership to captain your team?!?!?

I thought he wasn't supposed to even be good enough to make your team?

The one and only good thing you have going for you currently is that all of this shit storm didn't hit in early May, and instead now.  For we can all be sure that this gives plenty of time for the English media to whoop up a frenzy on just how stellar this 2010 English World Cup squad will be.  

Let the hyperbole begin!

This particular Alonti (I didn't realize there are so many of them downtown) is fortunately located within a nice glass atrium over looking the south branch of the Chicago river, and basically straight across, but far enough away from Willis Tower to offer a great vantage point of the monstrocity.

Yes, I just referenced Willis (not Sears) Tower.  Go ahead and yell at me if you want...

As for the food, it is your typical modern-day corporate building lunch room offering soups, salads, sandwiches, coffee, drinks and a few other items.  The lines move pretty quickly which is important for the corporations so that they may get their sheep back upstairs to their cubicles as quickly as possible.

Food is hit and miss.  I have had some pretty bad sandwiches one day and some cheap and flavorful pastas the next.  The tequila chicken pasta is consistently good.

What's a cove?

To me, a cove is a little nook of water that is supposed to be secluded. A peaceful place where you can swim.

In places that you swim, how do you get in the water?

Well, you can walk in sometimes. Ease yourself in if the water is cold. Or...

DIVE

Pardon the word association exercise. Lame, I know.

But DIVE is the perfect description of this place. And I say it in the most endearing way possible. The Cove is the type of place that I would expect to find out where I grew up (Crookfield, IL), back in the day that is (because today the town is too "upscale" and you have to drive all the way to Lyons to find a real dive bar).

Trust me, I like dive bars, and this place is a fine specimen.

In my opinion a dive bar is most of, or all of the following:

- not going to go out of their way to serve you decent beer (I think this place has four beers on tap- three of which are Miller products and the third one might have been Coors Light; plus, to top it off, a fellow Yelper pointed out that they serve Kirkland brand beer by the can... That's right, Costco beer!!!)
- food is limited (or in the case of The Cove- non existent, unless you bring your own crock pot of chili)
- glasses for your draughts need to be reused
- TV entertainment comes in the form of cheap old box-style TVs with bunny ear antennas (this is where The Cove fails because actually their TVs are very nice!)
- At any given time no more than one or two people on the payroll working so you need to make sure drinks are ordered before bath room and smoke breaks
- bathrooms are oddly configured (I heard the women's room was clean, but the men's stalls were right by the door with no lock that were clearly open to anyone passing by if the door opened)
- cheap options for when you want to get your drink on
- regulars who can tell you all about how much (little) the place has changed over the last twenty or so years (including the price of a drink)

So while Skylark is nice if you want to pretend that you are at a dive, The Cove is more the real deal Holyfield.

Hyde Park is the land of restaurant schizophrenia.  Please allow me to explain through some examples.

The best place to get a chicken and rib combination meal?  A middle-eastern place called Cedar's.
http://www.yelp.com/bi...
Would you like to have a side of collards and peach cobbler to go along that luscious Indian lamb curry you are having?  Try out Rajun Cajun, because even here the name of the place doesn't fit the identity because, well, there is no real Cajun food to speak of.
http://www.yelp.com/bi...
So say you do want some Louisiana-style grub, maybe a big heaping bowl of jambalaya but would like it served as a side to your tilapia served up with a tropical relish and some plantain nachos like you would find in the Caribbean.  That would mean a trip to Calypso Cafe, where they also serve favorites from a now closed joint called Dixie Kitchen.
http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Why bring all of this up?  Well, my recent trip to The Snail had me confused until I remembered we were eating in Hyde Park, the place where restaurants morph identities, and it made sense to me.

Cold night, and it is snowing.  I had a craving for something a bit spicy and warm and figured a nice panang or masaman curry would be nice.  So off to The Snail we go, where upon our arrival Tejano music was playing (though thankfully not Selena).  No problem.  We are seated...  Underneath a painting of cacti just before being served some house-made fried tortilla chips...  

I thought this place was Thai?

Looking down next to the basket of chips are the usual Thai condiments and that is when things took a more obvious direction.  The menu here, while not the most extensive of menus for a Thai place does offer quite a lot of options, and the food has always been good.

In our most recent trip, I ordered the masaman curry with beef to satisfy the above mentioned craving.  My always lovely dining companion ordered a different type of curry that was also quite nice.  Flavors are good, prices are reasonable.  To start we had these little pockets of goodness known as their vegetable egg rolls.  I actually prefer them over their larger counterparts because the size means less frying time, and that translates to a less greasy end-product.

Why did I mention the starter after the main courses?  Well, this place is in Hyde Park, which means it is a bit backwards from the beginning.

But just because this place is backwards doesn't mean that you won't find good quality food here.  Oh, and the service has always been very sweet any time I have come either for sit-down or even to go.

Oh- and their fried chicken, candied yams, greens and that whole southern side of things from this place is really good too!

You thought I might rant on about it, didn't you?

I have a feeling that my only experiences with Fearon's might be in the early morning weekend hours, tired and out of focus. I will be stumbling in here, incoherent, eyes blurred when I reach the bar. I will open my mouth and grumble to the bartender "Get me a coffee, a Guinness and change this crap!"

Because surely I will be amongst a bunch of delusional Liverpool followers hoping and praying that their *awful* team won't lose any more points in their useless quest to make Champions League next year...

I'm not exactly nice about Liverpool, but maybe I should change that because every one of those Liverpool supporters was very cordial and nice to me as I, the lone Arsenal fan, sat with them this past Saturday to watch a few matches.

As for Fearon's- I enjoyed what they had to offer.  I drank entirely too much coffee, but they were quick with the refills, and their fry up tasted quite nice.  They took their time to pour my Guinness (doing it the right way) and I didn't need to strain my eyes to watch the matches on their large TVs.

While Fearon's is absolutely no where near where I live and therefore maybe not the most convenient place to watch a match early on a Saturday or Sunday morning, I would go back gladly to be amongst those silly, yet friendly Liverpool fans.

I consider myself a very lucky man in deed. Allow me to explain...

I am lucky to live in what I truly believe is one of the world's best cities.
Lucky to grow up in an era of technological conveniences like air conditioning, air planes and cell phones.
While annoying far too often than they should be, lucky to still have both of my parents in my life.
Lucky enough to not have to worry about basics like quality affordable health care, job security, and not gaining weight after eating from one of the four Harold's Fried Chicken (dark half, mild sauce, fried hard) joints that are within about a mile of home five times a week.

Not perfect, but still a very lucky guy!

Perfect example, and case in point- I "landed" my beautiful wife AND she has tolerated a year of marriage with my dumb ass...

This alone is reason for someone like me to celebrate, but problems exist still. Main problem number one: where to celebrate our 1st anniversary in style with substance.

With the ample amount of neo-American restaurants in Chicago (and let's face it- Chicago does this style the best and in abundance!) the decision was a tough one.

But with conviction, and much like a year ago facing my wife in a little chapel on the south side, sweaty-faced (it was hot out on December 27th, 2008- look it up!), I can say I love this restaurant- I do!

Very obviously the menu is seasonal, something that I appreciate greatly- a restaurant that strives for freshness and natural flavors.

Cocktails: good, and the barman (couldn't be positive with the chatty Valley Girls giggling so much, but he sounded Australian) seemed to know his stuff and the drinks were good.

Appetizers: much like has been proven many times before, my wife's tastes far exceed mine (except in partners- I got her beat on that). Her seemingly simple dish of seared diver scallops and black pudding was phenomenal. Perfect balance of flavors. My long-winded nature escapes me in describing this. Just perfect. So good in fact that it outshone my very well, yet simple bowl of thick cut pasta noodles served with rich duck meat. Nice!

Entrees: Both excellent! A delicious and generous portion of short rib served with tart red cabbage and spettzle, and pan seared trout with greens and candied bacon were both familiar and yet I couldn't find flaws with either.

Seeing it was a Sunday evening meal, I can tell you now- that is the night to go. All bottles of wine $90 or less are served at half-price. Obviously being married to a French women helps in this area considering my knowledge of wine hasn't grown as fast as my waist line these last few years. She found a great bottle for us that worked well with our orders.

I am smitten like a kitten mainly due to my wife, but also because of this place...

Now wipe off all that sappiness I just spilled all over your screen, book a reservation with Sepia, and await a wonderful meal!

I could go on and on (as is usual with me) about every aspect of my first visit here, but the reality is I am mainly thinking of only two things at this place.

Mac and cheese with edamame (exquisite and the perfect amount of truffle essence)
Whatever "old fashion" style drink they offer at the bar (masterfully done- the cocktail is prepared almost like a show for you to watch)

So- if there was any advice I could give to anyone, who like me, obsesses over things like mac and cheese and good drinks is come here.  Best part is, you can sit at the bar and order your drink and your sides/appetizers and just load up on the good stuff.

Trust me on this- the BEST mac and cheese you will find anywhere!

The rest of the meal was amazingly good too- but these two things are haunting me.

So I have this problem in life.  For whatever reason, I like to grow my hair out as big and as untidy as possible.  My thick locks are wavy and what many would classify as "unkempt" when allowed to grow freely.  Not to say that my hair is dirty because I do wash it every day, but I just like the way my hair looks and feels when it is a booming mop.

There are other factors in life that when coupled with my lion's mane develop issues that need to be dealt with.  For one- I work at a financial institution, and as much as I would love to say that the world has developed into an open-minded, physical-appearances-don't-matter type of place (where everyone holds hands, endlessly sings lovable Cat Stevens songs, and skips along in unison), the reality is you all are a bunch of judgmental 'yotches who for some reason DO care about how my hair looks and think that it somehow makes me incapable of doing my job...

Well, maybe not *you*...  But definitely you there!

This "feature" of society (the part about judging a book by its cover) is multiplied 10-fold by the simple fact that I come from the Midwest.  OK- Chicago is cool and contemporary and all, but it still is the Midwest folks!

Or maybe I am the one that is delusional?  Maybe I just look rank with my wildin' out, big ass hair?  After all, it is my beautiful and fashionable wife who delicately reminds me a few times a year that my hair is, after all, something that needs care and styling, or at least a good hacking to.  Probably more care than the fine ladies at Hair Cuttery are capable (or more likely WILLING) of giving.

Which brings me to Dapper.  A friend of mine was raving about the job that these ladies do.  I pride myself in being quite open-minded, but was surprised to hear that it was a "full-blown" barber shop run by some tattooed punk rock ladies, ala roller derby style.  Where they offer complimentary beer and pool games while you wait for a chair to open up.  This alone wasn't enough to shock me, but the fact that it came from this particular friend.  What I mean to say is that if there was anyone in the world that I would guess did not give a crap about where he got his hair cut, it would be him.  He has had the same hair cut for over 15 years- military style.

So why go here, a hip place, clearly catered to those that are looking to pay a lot for a good haircut in a unique setting?  He then tells me because a cut is only going to cost $15.

To start the trip off, my hair was beyond the point where my wife was going to tolerate it much further.  I was at the "wing" stage, where the hair around my ear begins to uncontrollably flip up and look as if I did it on purpose with a hot curling iron or something (childhood evidence: http://static1.px.yelp... ).  

Winter in Chicago was coming!  I needed natural ear muffs!

As you can imagine- this "excuse" only goes so far.

So in I go, with wife in tow (I'm a poet and didn't even know it!).  We arrived only a short while before closing and I timidly asked if it was cool for me to still get a cut.  "Of course!" was the response, "have a seat over there, help yourself to whatever is in the fridge and someone will be right with you!"

Hoping that they would turn me away for coming in too late, or without an appointment or whatever, I walked my shaggy self over to a couch and waited, stroking my long locks one last time before losing them (and about 5 pounds- my hair gets huge).

I was shortly called over by Jo, a fellow Illinoisan (is that what we are supposed to call ourselves?) by upbringing, who called me over and asked what I wanted.  "I need a haircut, but don't really want one."  After figuring out why I didn't want one (and agreeing with me, probably more out of kindness and empathy) she let me know I would be in good hands and that she would make things right.

Hair washed, and she goes into cutting.  Old-school style.  The way I remember getting it as a kid.  Nothing but scissors and straight razor.  No clippers (which I usually ask for a #3) with my cut.  And yet she got my noggin looking sharp, but still with some length and good shape.  Wings gone, or more like trimmed back, or tucked in or something.

I don't know how to describe the cut- but it looked really good!  Especially after the initial shock of losing my beloved, over-sized helmet, and realizing that I COULD in fact get my hair cut short and still have it look pretty good- and not have to spend a ton of money to do so!

And as for Jo- AWESOME.  She kept the conversation going and was into some really cool stuff!  I walked out with some weight off of my shoulders (figuratively and literally), and money left in my pocket.  Not to mention a very happy wife, who happened to start her night of drinking off the right way with a complimentary beer from that fridge.

Thanks Jo!  Wish you all were up here in Chicago...  I am sure for the same amount of dope service, I will be dropping $50.

I was really looking forward to learning all about the history and local culture of Tucson when we were planning on making our trip out there.  My friend of many years has called Tucson his home for around a half of a decade now and I just never made my way out there to visit him until a few weeks ago.

Our flight arrived around 8:00 AM after staying up the entire night before.  As we awaited our pick up, we knew one thing needed to happen- breakfast.  So a few "hello's," "how are you's," and "how have you been's" were given before I very clearly said:
"Man, we need some breakfast!"

Now I figured a quick trip to the closest Waffle House was going to be what happened- but my friend knows us pretty well.  Or at least enough to know that we like to get a feel for what is local or unique about a place.  I like me some Waffle House, but you can get Waffle House pretty much anywhere (except Chicago oddly enough).

So he rather quickly decided upon Cup Cafe conveniently located inside the fabled Congress Hotel.  Breakfast, local flavor, history and vibe all rapped up in one package!

Gunpowder and Eggs was what all three of us gravitated towards.  It was good- exactly what we needed, and I figure a pretty popular dish especially for those who wake up with a bit of a hangover.  Savory and flavorful, and not skimping out on the spice along with that welcome byproduct of cooking potatoes and eggs together- grease!

To top things off, they have a pretty cool floor in this place- made of pennies- that will grab your attention.  The outdoor space is a good one too as long as it isn't too hot out.  Plus you can't beat eating a meal in a place that does hold quite a bit of history (Dillinger was caught right up stairs from here).