Jason C.

6/9/2014

Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess who helped people buy real estate.

Well, the tooth fairy got jealous, beat the snot out of the fairy princess because she was dating the ginger bread man, and that was that... Rather than fight, the fairy princess turned into an alcoholic living under a bridge somewhere while the tooth fairy got knocked up and made 4 wonderful beautiful boys who basically were bread to kick someone's teeth in...

Hehe, see what I did there? I punny.... so punny. Anyhoo...

Sometime later, the fairy princess decided enough was enough and got her shit together, enlisted in some help, and hired the world's greatest real estate agent. Not only is this person the most responsive person ever, he's the most knowledgeable in all areas of real estate (rentals, first time home owner, selling, brokering, etc) and he's helped the snobbiest of the snobby in SF down to the lowest of the low in Newark, CA (me!).

This new helper's name was Herman and he is the queen of real estate as far as I'm concerned. He's helped me buy two properties, rent my mom's house, and will be my go to person from here on out for not only myself, but for my family and my baby's momma (literally. We're not together hahaha).

You need a new place? Contact Herman. You want to sell? Contact Herman. You want to rent a place? Maybe don't contact Herman until you've bought a house, but he'll probably still try to help you out (seriously though, don't try until you've earned enough kudos points - the dude is hella busy). If you want a realistic view of how the process is done, ask Herman.

Better call Saul? No, better call Herman!

One time, I heard a pretty young female lady who was wishy washy was asking Herman to show her some houses. Not knowing exactly what she wanted, Herman still was patient. Then he asked her a question about love... He asked her "gorgeous young lady, do you have a man? No? Why not?" And she said she didn't know what she wanted.

Well, Herman then said "that's why you can't buy a house! You don't know what you want!"

And such is life - you don't know what you want, then you won't ever get it. But if you decide you want something, go get it. And if you need help with the house part of that equation, ask Herman. He's the best!

I am also proud to call Herman family as he's totally awesome.

P.S. I'd honestly have more deals, but I'm a poor bastard.

1/6/2012

I'm not sure why, but guys love to call women "sluts" when they're either butt hurt or want to nut in their butt.  

Both uses are disrespectful to women for the most part, unless you have a WOW gamer chick like Olivia Munn, who pretends to give a shit about reviewing Modern Warfare 3, but is really into playing Modern Whorefare 3: Call of Booty.

These girls are a rare breed and chances are you don't and won't ever be lucky enough to score a girl like this.

So let me just assure you that calling a girl a slut is an immature and fruitless endeavor. By making sluttiness something shameful, all sorts of super horny women are thereby plagued by guilty consciences, which causes them to pretend to act prude and thus refrain from casual sexual encounters with strangers.

And why the hell would any normal guy, especially a short, rarely sexed, tiny schlonged Asian dude such as myself, ever be willing to risk messing up that?

For the love of God, stop calling women the "S" word. Don't fuck it up for the rest of us!

In fact, if you don't call a woman a slut, you might just be lucky enough to wander in this oxymoron other reviewers described as a "classy sex store."

Feelgood510 is filled with lots of lube and neatly displayed vibrators of all shapes and sizes, the smallest of which still makes me wiener look absolutely minuscule in comparison. This place, despite that it smells like patchouli and Rastafarian incense, reeks of the new porn fragrance for women known as "OMG I'm about to get LAID!"

The sensual art on the wall (read: this is what our ancestors jerked off to before photography was invented) is quite awesome, and to be frank, I used to think Good Vibrations was the definition of a nice adult store.

Feelmore510 smokes their wannabe classiness like a Philly Blunt.

See any weirdo freaks? Nope.
See any junkies? Nope.
See a freshly polished floor, lined with freshly dusted shelves, and nice calm music playing?

Yup.

Nenna, you've simply redefined what an adult products merchandiser should do. We all know that your friendliness and ability to hide dirty triple X porn in plain sight while remaining decent and civil about it is what separates you from the obvious old men perves who run other shops.

So for all you guys (and gals) that ever wanted a school girl exterior with a freak in sack interior, this store is for you.

Bonus tip: Don't try to experiment with $150 worth of sex toys within 4 hours. After coming into Feelgood510, you'll definitely be tempted. If you do, your sex organs will become sadly desensitized and you'll wonder if they'll ever work again. It's a scary fucking feeling.

Bonus Bonus tip: Sleep it off and don't think about sex for 3 days after. You'll get horny again. Eventually.

Mushroom tip: Ooooooo LOL

7/14/2011

The steak sandwich (sorry no pictures), basically goes like this: huge, happy chunks of medium rare steak, crispy edges around the soft chewy baguette, sans mayo, a delicate serving of organic greens and sweet caramelized onions.

It tastes like a fucking unicorn jumped over a double rainbow, all your favorite musicians collaborate on a song just for you, while you bust a nut right over Scarlett Johansson's face.

Eat it at least once - the same way you use internet explorer once just to download firefox or chrome.

Peace.

7/4/2011

Call me immature, childish, lame, or retarded for what I'm about to say. Whatever.

I don't give a fuck. This is a story about how I became a man. A manly man that arm wrestles polar bears and loses by the slimmest of margins. And even though I lost, I'll grab my nut sack MJ style, stretch 'em like slingshot and plant 'em in the back of his throat, killing him slowly and painfully. That's how a real man loses.

And a manly man likes ramen. A lot. He is unashamed to suck up chewy yet al dente, deliciously long uncut noodles that require you to make feminine girly slurpy noises like this youtube.com/watch?v=lpHF… . If the broth is hot, even better. A manly man has trained his throat by restraining himself and swallowing his tongue/pride when being berated by his significant other.

So after a trip to Japan where I ate ramen with the emperor (peace offering after I threatened to crop dust Tokyo after I drank milk), returning to America left me a sissy since I could not supplement my 200% protein powder shakes with beef broth. I ventured to LA, all over SF, even NYC. I was about to give up until I arrived at Ramen Dojo.
I knew it was awesome because the joint threatens to eat you when you're entire party arrives s3-media1.px.yelpcdn.com… Ha, little do they know I have a black belt in sack-fu.

When you sit down, you stare at the menu, which reads like a choose your own adventure book, and you pick a broth and toppings. If you're not careful, you could easily create a ramen masterpiece costing over $20 bucks. And that's exactly what I did s3-media2.px.yelpcdn.com…

I'm not sure what came over me, but I felt the need to try it all. A furious manly rage swept over me and I ever-so-politely read half the toppings menu off like a fucking English professor, emphasizing my order with American sign language (actually, was kung fu hand motions). Once I finished, the waitress short circuited trying to write down everything and exploded in a poof of blue smoke like when you smash electronics.

I can't tell you what happened next as I blacked out from excitement. It was incredible. I then proceeded to eat some of my friend's chasu because men need meat s3-media1.px.yelpcdn.com…

I was in heaven. This was made even more enjoyable by the fact that Ramen Dojo has amazing broth and noodles and to prove it, I was out almost 30 bucks by the end of the meal. Surveying the carnage and judging by my level of euphoria and satisfaction, I couldn't have felt better if I had married a pornstar or beat up an entire group of PETA volunteers with my bare fists.

Now if it could only cure my ADHD. Sometimes I swear that all I need is OMG LETS GO RIDE BIKES!

• 

  Chasu OMG

  Chasu OMG
• 

  Eat you

  Eat you
• 

  Spicy roe with kimchi, bamboo, quail eggs, corn and chasu

  Spicy roe with kimchi, bamboo, quail eggs, corn and chasu

4/14/2011

I'm going to keep this short and sweet....

You can read about the details from other people's reviews. But if you ever end up here and stand around in the lobby, debating whether or not it's worth it, blah blah blah...

Stop fucking thinking... Just do it. It will be the BEST non-decision you've ever made.

• 

  dang son, my bone structure is hella insanes in my faces!

  dang son, my bone structure is hella insanes in my faces!
• 

  lol still having fun!

  lol still having fun!
• 

  we fly for fb!

  we fly for fb!

3/27/2011

Dear annoying and loud douchebag media3.ct.yelpcdn.com/bp… at one of my favorite cafes,

Do you want to buy a time machine? The reason I am willing to sell this to you is to offer you the rare opportunity to correct any mistake you've ever made in the past (aka whatever caused you to become a douchebag). For example, you could go back to that moment in time and know where to hide when the bully kicked your ass that one time (or many times I'm suspecting) or prevent that exact moment that made your ex dump you (probably pre-flipped collar phase for sure).

Why would I do this for you? See, dear individual who has an over-inflated sense of self-worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, you who behaves ridiculously in front of coffee shop patrons with no sense of how moronic you appear... I take pity on you. I also want nothing but good for the many patrons at Café La Flore media3.ct.yelpcdn.com/bp… .

And while I enjoy my Café La Flore's ridiculously awesome hot chocolate in a huge cup media1.px.yelpcdn.com/bp… (sorry no Mexican hot chocolate but they do have a white hot chocolate), I want to help you go back and pinpoint the exact moment you became a douche (although it was most likely a cumulative effect) and prevent this from occurring. It will definitely help with your decision to put your phone conversations on speaker (which is extremely annoying and rude - luckily lady gaga is playing on my iPod).

So how much do you want to buy my time machine for? Be reasonable. Remember, that I would only sell this to you if you go back and make yourself a better person. Maybe for the price of at least 100 roast chicken breast sandwiches for $6.50 (so $650 because I know you can't add) media2.px.yelpcdn.com/bp… .

Trying to go back in time and make yourself rich would simply result in me going back in time before the moment you became rich, and spoiling your millionaire moment. See, in the future, money means nothing and only the size of your schlong matters. Since I am already rich (you know what I'm talking about), I have no need for any other tangibles that would make your head any bigger. You could, however, use this to tip the barista a few more dollars.

And think... you could share the machine with your mom. Why? I am certain your mother loves schlong or at least she did when she was making you (Yep, just used the machine to check and she did love the schlong alright). Now why would you deny her the right of passage to the future?

So take me up on my offer. All the Café La Flore patrons would be pleased with your new found persona and the silence is much appreciated (a future thank you).

• 

  Douchebag

  Douchebag
• 

  Interior

  Interior
• 

  Roasted chicken breast sandwich

  Roasted chicken breast sandwich
• See all photos from Jason C. for Cafe La Flore

1/24/2011

Stuff I've done:

1. Wrote the first Twilight book  (but the publisher made me delete the part where Blade fucks up the entire Cullen family, hence the series. Pussies)

2. Welded the new portion of the bay bridge single handedly with the laser beams in my eyes (in your face, superman)

3. Had sex with Rihanna (Pretty awesome. You know that song that goes "Hey Na Na, What's my name? What's my name?" I'm Na Na. Yeah, she's talking to me, son)

4. Ate grasshoppers in the San Francisco

Or did I? I could be judgmentally impaired due to the fact that some of the biblical locusts that I just digested must have consumed some peyote before making it into the frying pan.

I kid, I kid...

Joking aside, La Oaxaquena is one of the best kept secrets in SF. It's located on Mission street past the invisible line most hipsters won't cross (yes, you , stay on Valencia).

They serve typical tacos, burritos, quesadillas, and also liven up the menu with sopes, tiayudas, and pupusas.

It really gets interesting when you choose the meat filling. Yes, they have all the regular stuff, including tongue, pork, beef, and chicken, but where it gets downright epic is the offerings of ostrich media1.ct.yelpcdn.com/bp…
, cow brains, chapulines (the grasshoppa!) media3.px.yelpcdn.com/bp…, and straight up fucking tarantula.

Unfortunately, the tarantulas are only available seasonally, so call ahead. Until then, just order a side of fried locusts media3.ct.yelpcdn.com/bp… and eat them with some salsa.

If this is too much for you, don't worry, they have a fantastic bakery on site, THE BEST MEXICAN HOT CHOCOLATE EVER ZOMG, and bacon wrapped hot dogs out front. They also serve up street tacos, too. Double whammy, inside and out. They have something for everyone.

Oh, and wanna know what happened to that e-scary looking grasshopper who's photo was all enlarged National Geographic style, trying to mean mug the camera? He went into this taco media4.px.yelpcdn.com/bp… . He tasted a little bit like grass (you are what you eat), but he was still good.

So all the wannabe foodies who've seen a season or two of Bizarre foods or No Reservations, time to man up. Only adventurous eaters need apply.

• 

  grasshopper taco

  grasshopper taco
• 

  fried grasshoppers, son

  fried grasshoppers, son
• 

  ostrich taco

  ostrich taco

11/8/2010

Begin:

1. Have you slaughtered a pig?

a. Yes
b. No

If b, repeat question until you answer a
if a, proceed to question 2

2. Can you haz identifies the anatomical parts of a pig as items you would find in a supermarket?

a. Yes
b. No

if b, pop in a b-rated movie and have a lotion fest and stop this quiz.
if a, proceed to question 3

3. After grinding everything up, shape it into a square and throw it on a bun with pickles, onions, and a tangy bbq sauce. Deliciously simple. Does it look like this picture? media1.px.yelpcdn.com/bp…

a. Yes
b. No

if b, WTF is wrong with you, GTFO you hater!
if a, proceed to question 4

4. Do you want to eat it?

a. YES I DO GOD HELP ME

The End.

• 

  MCRIB!

  MCRIB!

9/10/2010 Updated review

Let's pretend Koi Palace is a giant levitating bunny who drops Easter Eggs on Jesus.

This levitating bunny can only die if it gets its head chopped off, so unless you can fly on a magic carpet and have the sword skills of some character from Kill Bill, the only thing you can do is shout at the Giant Floating Bugs Bunny.

God Damn It. I know this review won't do anything to deter people (here's scientific proof from a recent study:  media1.px.yelpcdn.com/bp… ) but I might as well scream anyways.

Koi Palace used to be awesome. The 1-2 hour wait was worth it, the price was justified, and I used to leave half asleep from food coma.

The last two times I've been back this year, there have been warnings of diminished quality: more parking, less waiting time, and fewer invites from friends (well, maybe that's because I have no friends but that's another story).

Ignoring these bad omens, I still dared to eat the food...

Once, I went camping and miscalculated food rations and ran out of canned spam and water on a 20 mile hike. Being 2 days hike away from my car, I decided it would be best to keep going.  The first day was fine. On the second day, I was so hungry I tried eating grass and tree bark (barf), but managed to catch a small moth, which I promptly ate.  It was delicious.

Maybe I should starve for 2 days so anything tastes good and then I might be able to pass floating ass rabbit's food off as tasty dim sum.

Disappointing.

• 

  Customer Service

  Customer Service

8/21/2010

There's nothing I can say that 2800+ people haven't said about this place except that Bi Rite has introduced me to my all time favorite flavor of ice cream - Salted Caramel.

And it has a very incredible after effect.

Case in point: My breath smells like garlic and onions after eating a delicious pizza from Delfina across the street.

However, one taste of this carefully prepared ethereal treat media1.px.yelpcdn.com/bp… has me singing the praises of the slightly burnt, buttery, wonder media1.px.yelpcdn.com/bp… .

After a single spoonful has been swallowed, magically my breath smells like cotton candy and children's laughter.

Go figure.

P.S. Try Bi Rite before 3pm on a weekday or in the AM on a foggy weekend and you won't have to wait in line too long.

• 

  Yum

  Yum
• 

  Salted Caramel, Toffee, Vanilla

  Salted Caramel, Toffee, Vanilla