Mari "pork face" H.'s Profile

Let's start by stating the obvious and getting it out of the way: Serendipity is 3000% a hokey tourist pigpen nightmare and no, you couldn't pay me to walk into their kitchen.

Whew. That feels much better.

What Serendipity does offer is a wet dream for a certain demographic - females who like things that sparkle. Guys on the other hand could give a rat's patooty so save them the 4 hour wait and tiny chairs and let them go to ESPN Zone in Times Square while the estrogen charged get their frozen hot chocolate they "MUST" have.

Serendipity is one of many stops on Mari's Grand Christmas Tour and I'm not about to quit on it now. I've tried the frozen hot chocolates and all the sundaes; it's wrong to charge $15 for some silly scoops of ice cream, but they are delicious. On this most recent visit, we got the "Can't Say No" sundae which has humble pie in it. I don't know what humble pie is but ours included lots of peanut butter. It is sweetness in complete excess but if you're not going to live on the edge (of diabetes) then give up now. Don't get anything else but dessert at Serendipity. Skip the overpriced savories.

Now, I heard a rumor that Serendipity closed for a period of time not so long ago due to health inspections. And I heard in this rumor that it was NOT pretty, as in roaches and rats and flies, oh my. And it happened twice. And it wasn't a rumor, it was real. Ugh.. yah. But look, Serendipity, you're open now and I really hope it's because you cleaned up your act and didn't pay someone off, so I'm just putting it out there, kay? No more elephant in the room. ...Friends? Friends.

NYC parks are fascinating breeding grounds for locals to pretend they're in the thick of nature - imagining they're at the beach or in the woods for a day of tanning (esp the first 60 degree day after a cold winter, it's not THAT warm yet, people) or some hiking and biking (the hard core biking enthusiasts in Central Park will run you over if you let them). This "nature" allure does nothing for me. Could care less. But then, why do I love NYC parks? They provide some excellent holiday extravaganza foreplay.

Bryant Park is like my own Christmas mini-amusement park. Come fall, the holiday fair pops up, the pond for ice skating reveals itself, and a beautiful tree appears magically for all my tree hugging. I love the park because it's a mandatory stop on my yearly list of Christmassy things to do and I'd have a serious fit if for some reason I couldn't go.

Need to do some last minute holiday shopping and you want something unique? The holiday fair has jewelry, ornaments, slippers, scarves, and artwork. (The bf bought me my favorite necklace from the fair last year.) There's no way you can leave without a $3 hot cup of apple cider from the Big Apple Cider stand! And I'm not masochistic so I watch the ice skaters instead of joining in, but it makes me just as giggly inside.

The main show is the Christmas tree. It's not as humungo as Rockefeller Center's, but it's just as special. Rockefeller's is all big and luscious, but how can you enjoy it when rabid moms are ramming their strollers into your ankles?! At least at Bryant Park you can get up close and have some alone time with the tree to gaze up at the twinkling lights in awe. In 2007 they even had chairs set up at the base so that when you sat down, you could look up the inside of the tree (sounds very pervy). I used to love sleeping under the Christmas tree when I was little so it's perfect for a holiday freak like me. It's so effing magical.

I've already made my yearly fall stop, but the tree wasn't up yet so it doesn't count. Oh weeeeell, guess I'll have to stop by again. The park's pleasant in the summertime too, I guess, if you're into warm weather. There's lounging available at Bryant Park Cafe for beers and burgers, but honestly my brown skin just cooks so it's more like torture when it's hot out. Free wifi year round though, haaay.

44 & X - you FINALLY got me to eat your food! A certain NYC mayor walking out of your establishment while I was eating next door couldn't get me to try a meal with you. Even a roommate saying, 'Hey - if you want to see Rosie O'Donnell she's eating at 44 and X right now' and then me walking by and peeking through the windows so inconspicuously to get a peek couldn't lure me inside. (Rosie's pretty small in person!) The only thing that could finally get me to dine with you is my lazy ass wanting brunch but not wanting to walk more than 10 feet from my apartment.

We put our name in with the friendliest little hostess I have ever seen. She was warm and gave us her full attention and... she smiled. Half an hour later our name was called and the hostess exclaimed, 'Oh! I'm so glad you decided to wait!'. A hostess that's actually happy to see customers?! Geddowwwwdahere.

Unfortunately our table was smack dab in front of the door but we weren't about to give it up for someone less starving than us. I got the $14 brioche french toast and $3 pot o'hot tea but forced the bf to order a Bloody Mary. Can you believe in all my years of drinking before noon I've never had a Bloody Mary?!

Now, I hate to make assumptions but every time I've walked by 44 & X I can't help but notice the plethora of hot gay waiters and think, 'There must be a catfight flying a minute'. I was so wrong; our waiter dazzled me with his blue eyes and genuine smile, and all the waiters were extremely professional and efficient.

The food didn't make me gasp for breath but it was simple and solid. Eggs cooked perfectly, toast was toasty, and the Bloody Mary?! Loved it. Oh, and we sat down to 'Poker Face' and they played Beyonce AND old school Britney?! You need to run a club 44 & X. But if only I had a celebrity sighting. I wore my special celebrity spotting glasses and everything.

When girlfrayned asked me to tag along with her so she could find some Japanese crochet books and bridal magazines (I swear, she's in her 20's) I was like, eeeh really? My first thoughts - 'Ugh I don't even like harajuku / Please don't make me watch Naruto / Well I heard there's a good cafe there'. So off I trekked to 6th Ave amidst the pushy shovey work hour rush to get to some silly Japanese bookstore.

And hmm... surprisingly Kinokuniya's alright! There's two floors filled with Japanese books, a lot of which are your expected manga, but a lot of stuff for normal, ahem I mean people like me. They have really cool fashion photography books on the first floor, and some of them include canvas handbags from big name designers like Marc Jacobs and Chloe, I'm guessing sold only in Japan, for only $20ish a pop. What what?! Now I can buy a bag here instead of waiting in that horrendous Marc Jacobs line in the West Village?! And it's more unique?! They also have beautiful holiday cards printed with Japanese art near the cash register - I was tempted to buy some to send out as Christmas cards this year but who are we kidding, I'm too lazy to do something that cute.

On the second floor overlooking Bryant Park is Zaiya cafe. For $9 I got a tomato, mozzarella, and prosciutto sandwich with side salad and a green tea latte. Not bad and felt soooo gourmet. Just be warned about the green tea latte - extremely matcha-y and borderline bitter. The cafe immediately made me feel like I was in the cafeteria of a Japanese college; the tiny space was packed with young Asians and the non-Asians who love Japanese culture.

Kinokuniya is a lot hipper than I expected; there's t-shirts, tiny whoozits and whatzits (toys) and yah, there's a few Naruto costumes too. Girlfriend was totally into those but shhh.. I already made fun of her for you.

Flashback: September 5th, 2009. A young Asian hot thang walks into Mitsuwa in Costa Mesa, California and heads straight to the food court like a girl with tunnel vision. The sun's been shining, the breezes blowing, and the traffic on the 405 south non-existant. She marches up to the Santouka counter and (politely) demands a small shio ramen and ikura don combo. But they are out of all salt ramens for the day. She weeps and collapses and has a hissy fit and pouts when she has to get the miso ramen instead.

Fast forward: November 4th, 2009. Same girl, ok it's me, ventures out to the mean streets of Edgewater, NJ for some ramen lovin. I went straight for the Santouka stall. You better have the shio ramen or I WILL throw a tantrum right now. Luckily they did, whewee! My friend and I took our food trays over to the tables with the view of the water and dug in. Oooooooh this is gooooood. The broth was porky and creamy, rich but somehow still light and not at all oily! Noodles? Not overcooked and mushy. Ikura don on the side?! Ahahahaha could be my last meal on earth.

The combo (#54 I think?) was $10 something which was a dollar more than the Costa Mesa Mitsuwa but NYC jacks everything up in prices so whatever, expected.

I EVEN went back at the end of our grocery shopping to see if I could get a ramen to go but they said they don't do take-out. (I cried again.) My friend says I should seriously just bring my own tupperware next time and pack it to go myself but that miiiiight be pushing it. I'm a fat kid at heart but I still have some self respect, I think. Gogo Santouka raaah-men!

I hate stating the obvious but MAN I love Asian markets! Especially Japanese markets. I am an absolute sucker for their pickled vegetables, rice balls, pink packaged whatever, and things in miniature.

Mitsuwa is shiny and brand new looking... Right over the river in a nice (?!?!) part of Jersey that happens to be safe and clean. And the food court's amaaazing. Where in NYC can you get a delicious and satisfying meal with a beautiful view on the water for less than $10? Nowhere but Mitsuwa.

Their stuff's a little more expensive than the Mitsuwa's in Cali though. Like they have these special sushi rolls with some sort of magical fish selling for $30 a roll. I don't get it. There's cartons of uni for around $12 each. The cheapest oden I could find was $10. Meh.. so you give and take. They do have a nice selection of Japanese shampoos and conditioners to keep the Asian locks looking fine.

On a weeknight Mitsuwa is so empty and quiet. It's THE place to get away from the chaos of the city and hear yourself think while you're browsing exotic goods. There's also a shuttle that goes to Mitsuwa from Port Authority for $3 each way and leaves about every hour on weekdays, more frequently on weekends. It takes 20 minutes (not bad!) and so worth it to go once a week for Santouka ramen!

I HATE it when I discover a place that's right in front of my face when I could've been enjoying it for months!!! Years even!!

Lali is in between my apartment and where I do laundry, so I've walked by sooo many times and peeked inside almost bumping into people because I'm not looking straight. I've been tempted to stop by and grab something to eat from the little 10 seater hole in the wall.. but like the flake that I am I forget about it one block later.

Tonight though, it was a mental note to try it out. 'I'm going to eat Dominican food after I do laundry... Huh, I wonder what's on tv... NO! Dominican food first!!'

I stepped inside and took a look at the menu. One thing I miss from living in Philly is the oxtail stews available on every block. So guess what I got today when I saw the Tuesday specials?! The $8 oxtail stew with white rice and red beans to go. Ready AND paid for in 30 seconds badabing!

Kay, so it's no life changing oxtail. There's about 75% rice and beans and the rest is oxtail, but eh.. $8 right?! And I wouldn't stop by Lali if I didn't live in the hood, but to all the Hells Kitchen residents - it hits the spot and it's faaaast and they speak English AND they didn't look at me like an outsider freak (being brown helps, I'm sure). It's cash only but who cares when they deliver.

NYC is filled with fobby Asians, but it's when I come home that I get back to my Asian (American) roots. Ranch 99 - I've always called it 'Ranch 99', sounds so much better - is a basic Asian supermarket. Not the best but relatively expansive and accessible. The key word is accessible: most of SoCal can be reached with a short car ride; like Cher's dad says in Clueless - "Everywhere in LA takes 20 minutes!!".

But gawl could they revamp the place a little? First request would be to expand the parking lot. Trying to get a parking spot is like a cagematch with tons of Asian mama drama. Second request would be to beautify the market itself. It looks like it was built in the late 70's and hasn't changed since.

Their food selection's okay... Nothing amazing and rare but they have basic stuff like chili / soy / fish sauces and an aisle of dried noodles. They were missing a ton of Korean ingredients I wanted but I can't blame them because it's not a Korean market. BUT they have my favorite Filipino ice creams like ube and macapuno. I got avocado flavor today (try it, I swear) and some pan de sal so fat kid partaaay! And cheaper than Red Ribbon.

For some reason when I visit this Ranch 99 I thank my parents for not living in the valley. Sometimes people from the valley are in a league of their own. Like people from Jersey. Juuuust kidding. Kind of. Not really.

I didn't get to sleep overnight at Congress Hall, but I was there for a wedding so I got to explore every nook and cranny of the hotel.

I was the maid of honor for my bestie who had a suite for the bridesmaids to get ready in. Though the rooms aren't cutting edge or stocked with top of the line electronics, they have an old school charm I like to think of as victorian nautical. The walls are painted a cheerful sea blue and the couches are dressed in cream and pink floral fabrics. It sounds very Martha Stewart but I seriously detest anything 'kitsch' and somehow Congress Hall won me over. The floors are slanted because of settlement, but I think it just adds character.

The ceremony was held outside despite the on and off stormy weather. It could have been freezing outside, but no one seemed to notice because of how beautiful the bride was and the serene ceremony. The ceremony itself was very simple; white chairs lined the patio outside and the guests had a view of the front lawn and the beach in the distance. The wedding planner was amazing; everything seemed so effortless and well-planned so that the bride and groom didn't have to worry about anything except abiding by the schedule.

Because of the tumultuous weather out, the cocktail hour was held in the 'Boiler Room' bar and lounge downstairs. At first I didn't know what to expect; with a name like that I expected the literal! But it was a pefect transition between ceremony and reception. It's downstairs in the basement, so there's no windows, but has a bachelor pad look with stone walls, red accents, and lounge chairs everywhere. Tons of guests got smashed during that hour (which was a relief since they wouldn't be paying attention to my speech).

On to the ceremony!!! Like the bride, the hall was absolutely stunning. The walls were a tiffany blue, delicate wrought iron chandeliers hung from the ceiling, and the wood floor was painted with a large white and black diamond print that gave the room an upscale French Creole feel. The room seemed to be made exactly for the 170 guests that attended the wedding - it was spacious enough that there was room to breath, but also felt intimate.

The wedding was gorgeous - it was one of the most memorable weekends of my life, and it wasn't even my wedding! I was an emotional wreck and kept crying out of happiness the whole night due to how magical everything felt (and my extreme pms). I've had an idea of what I want for my future wedding (way, WAY in the future) but now I'm starting to think I want what my best friend had. I know if it had been my wedding, I wouldn't have changed a single thing. Cheers to my best friends and their marriage (and to me not having to do maid of honor stuff anymore)!

Pinkberry - you uber trendy froyo chain outfitted in what looks like IKEA ware, you. Everyone loves to hate you, but I hate to admit I'm completely devoted to you.

This is my favorite Pinkberry branch in the city. It never has lines which is surprising given how close it is to Times Square. The employees will even give you samples with a smile. It's clean, although it could be the Pinkberry aesthetic that screams 'sterile hospital children's ward'.

For $4 and change you can get a small AND two toppings.. not bad! I swear the toppings weren't included in the price before but the girl at the cash register promised so. I've sampled and strayed from the original flavor, but there's no reason - original is the best.

I think they're going through some menu revamping because they're no longer selling choco pebbles as a topping, and soon they'll be discontinuing carob chips too.

No matter how much hate mail Pinkberry gets, there's a reason why there's froyo joints popping up in Flushing with names like 'Blue Banana' or whatever. It's non-fat, which basically means it's good for you, which means it's a vegetable, which means Pinkberry should be a food group.