Mari "pork face" H.'s Profile

There's one thing Filipinos and Cubans have in common: pig, lechon, chicharron aka PORK. We love it, worship it, desire it, and would bathe in it if socially acceptable. Coppelia makes this clear. Vegetarians, don't even think of trying to blend in here. Your business probably isn't welcome.

Ordered off the menu: mac and chicharron, a cubano, corn on the cob, and the fettucini with short ribs. Heavy on the meat, hold the vegetables please!

I thought the mac and chicharron was going to blow my mind but unfortunately it didn't, kinda grossed me out actually. The cheese is a funky and sharp, processed tasting nacho cheese kind and it only left me wanting to take a few bites. There is pork mixed in with the mac though and the chicharoon on top is so good, I could've ordered a whole side of those. The cubano wasn't anything special, but the short ribs in the fettucini were so tender.  

My favorite part about Coppelia is how relaxed it is. It's clean, has great service and ambiance, doesn't charge ridiculous prices for the food, and is cosy. Sometimes in the city you want something between a hole in the wall and a trendy Page Six spot. Also, I can only imagine how good all this pork tastes after 2am, in that limbo stage between sober and drunk. They're 24 hours so...I think I'll be finding out soon.

I know, it's embarrassing, I'm in love with Cracker Barrel.

How can I justify myself?

The food is consistently amazing. Grits, biscuits and gravy, chicken n dumplings, cornbread. It might give you a heart attack, but it's a happy heart attack.

The food is cheap. I've never paid more than $25 for two people, and never left less than so full I wanted to throw up. That says something. Where else can you get dessert for $2.50?!

It makes me feel like I'm at Disneyland.

Everytime we roll up there's a fleet of Cadillacs unloading senior citizens with canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. And everytime we go in, we are the youngest, thinnest, most ethnic, and smallest group there. But it makes me feel special!

I always order the Old Timer's special, request to sit next to the fireplace, and buy things I really don't need at their shop afterwards, like Christmas figurines. I have officially turned into my mother. Shooooot me.

I went from zero to hero in about 2 hours.

The beginning of my tumultuous night: I got off the subway and was slammed in the face by a category 2 hurricane- horizontal rain pelting my face and my umbrella flipping inside out at every block. And then I got lost as hell, because I'm never in this area but finally make it into the restaurant. But wait, I don't see my gf's in the dimly lit bar area. And since when was Lavo Asian themed? I'm not wearing my glasses so lemme walk around the bar and look at each person's face from 2 feet away to find my gf's. Oh waiiiiiiit a second. Is this...? Am I...? I walk outside and look up at the awning and in bold letters I see 'TAO'...not Lavo. Dumbass. I walked across the street into Lavo to find my gf's tucked in the corner waiting for me, with good reason because the bar was packed like sardines.

So here I am, dripping wet with frizzy gremlin hair asking the hostess if our table is ready yet. The super hip, I'm wearing bug eyed glasses and neon colors but I'm so hot I can get away with it hostess. She tells me our table isn't ready yet, but soon.

MORE than an HOUR goes by before we get our table and we are piiiiiisssed. Arriving at 6:15pm for a 6:30pm reservation and then being seated at 7:40pm?! Oh hell no. By the time we got seated it was clear on our stank faces that we were not happy.

Our waiter was super cool though- talkative, friendly, and relaxed. Which is a feat on its own seeing what a circus Lavo is. It's packed to the gills with people flaunting their money and soulless hostesses who don't do a thing but stand there and look pretty.

After a round of comped drinks for our delayed table, we started to loosen up. And then the food came and everything was okay again. The $26 salmon was deliiiiicious; the sucker was cooked perfectly and the sauce was so light but creamy! With a side of $10 parmesan garlic truffle fries and the 'Fragole' cocktail with strawberry puree I was in fatty heaven.

But then guess who walks in and sits right next to us? Yankees' CC Sabathia. Dude is BIG. And it's pretty hard to miss him in a room full of white corporate clones. Just saying. So we're like hmm..okay, cool. Food's good so shrug. BUT THEN guess who else walks in and sits next to him? Mr. I date blondes only until recently Jeter himself.

Finally, we finished our meal and realized why it took us so long to get our table- because no one leaves! People here liiiiinger. Even our waiter admitted without regret that a reservation doesn't mean jack here.

We ended up having a great meal but I wouldn't come back earlier than 9pm for dinner again. I'm not sure if it changes later at night but there were way too many snotty, older people who probably just got off work. It definitely wasn't our crowd. And it was too bright for such a loud place. But that's just me.

SO...even though my gf's hated me for forcing them to wait over an hour for a table when we had a reservation, they thought the experience was worth it. Haaaaay Mari haaaay.

There's a lot of reasons to hate NYC: pretentious, narcissistic people, exorbitant prices... pigeons that think they're human. And I've never been so exhausted listening to people talk about money and what their money gets them. BUT, once in a blue moon, you want a scene, a restaurant that you can get all gussied up for and pretend you have the benjamins to spare on nibbles of food. Surprisingly, there aren't a lot of restaurants that cater to the 'let's skank it up and have a ridic night' crowd besides the few in the Meatpacking District. But now there's Hurricane Club.

Located on the corner of Park and 26th, you'd never notice this place walking by. We walked through the doors, were met by 2 doormen with a list, then another set of doors and shizam! Boobs and skinny little things that are going to throw up their food after dinner (kidding).

The place is gorgeous. It's what I would think cabaret clubs in Havana used to look like in the 50's (even though this place is supposed to be tiki themed.) Honestly, anything done by AvroKO I love.

We ordered the pupu platter, Hawaiian fried rice, and the soft shell crabs. The pupu platter was delicious, and so beautifully presented! A girl's wet dream. Their cocktails menu is incredible and huge. It's all Hawaiianed-out: hibiscus this, guava nectar that. Just be careful ordering off the 'Man' drinks side..those suckers are strong as hell.

My only gripes with HC are the prices and service. Pricewise the ish just adds up. We paid $200 for 2 people. I mean hello most of the desserts are around $25. That's just STUPID. And the service...there wasn't anything particularly wrong with it- efficient, quick, except for our waiters being borderline hostile. As if they didn't want to talk to us, didn't want to answer any questions, and never smiled. Basically wanted us to get the hell out. Ouch. Killin my buzz here.

Next time I want to blow a lot of money, look pretty, and be able to get a reservation without giving over my 1st born, I'll look to Hurricane Club.

Confession: I'm in love with Grand Lux Cafe. In one trip to Vegas, I ate at Grand Lux four times. Oh the SHAAAAME!!! The shame of eating at and LIKING a chain restaurant, the SHAME!!

I kinda hate Cheesecake Factory's food. I feel like it's gone down over the years and the novelty's worn off. But Grand Lux's food..everything amuses me. Especially their chicken lettuce wraps. I don't like chicken much, definitely not lettuce, but man.

Reasons to jump on the Grand Lux bandwagon:

-chicken lettuce wraps
-never a wait
-they make me grilled cheese's when I'm drunk even though it's not on the menu
-the one actual restaurant on the strip with good food that doesn't cost a paycheck
-unlimited bread
- short rib grilled cheese sandwich

Confession #2: One tme, when I was so hungover (still drunk) and alone in my room at the Palazzo I called down for takeout and ordered for myself fried calamari, salad, 1/2 sandwich and soup combo, and chicken lettuce wraps, all for less than $30. If there's a cure for the morning-after depression it's laying out a helluva lot of food on my hotel bed and lying down and resting whatever I'm eating on my tummy while I watch tv. BOOM. Sexiness reincarnated.

THAT'S RIGHT. I stayed at a Motel 6 in VEGAS. What..AM I NOT BOUGIE ENOUGH FOR YOU?!

I don't know what the hell people are complaining about here. I mean HELLO it's a Motel 6. Maybe if there were roaches, pimps, and children running rampant throughout then fine. But really now, Motel 6 has everything anyone can want, and at an AMAZING rate of $30 something a night. Pssh..that's like a green poker chip at the casinos.

The checklist they fulfilled:

-clean. I mean the rooms are SPOTLESS with a hospital aesthetic. And for any class hotel, that's all I really ask for.

-close to the strip. Motel 6 is located behind Hooters and diagonally across from MGM, so about a 4 minute walk to Las Vegas Blvd.

-there's a pool. The pool's clean, and never packed. How many times can you say that when staying at a big name casino? Also, gf here is not always well kept- you get close enough you can see my half shaven legs, so it's nice being at a pool that doesn't have a ridiculous club scene. Just let it all hang out.

-housekeeping will stop by every day and give you the option to have your room cleaned, or if not, will at least provide extra towels and toilet paper. They're not the friendliest bunch but efficient at least.

-they allow dogs. My gf had to stay at a hotel that allows for pets and Motel 6 is the only one close to the strip that does. I'm pretty sure they'll take just about any kind, because she had 2 large german shepherds and they were LOUD.

-it's safe. Now, there's no checkpoint that guests have to go through to get to their room but security patrols the grounds. I never felt in danger going out by myself. We DID see a pimp ONCE but don't worry. He was friendly.

Things that could've been better:

-the rooms are TINY. As in our room was about 10' by 12' not including the bathroom. We stayed in one of the newly renovated rooms right by the pool so I'm not sure if all the rooms are the same size. The bathrooms don't have tubs, only a standing shower.

-The doors are thin and rooms are close together, so be prepared to talk to your neighbors at least once. The most noise I heard was early in the morning when people are walking by the room. Not too bad.

Make sure to get one of the renovated rooms; they're newer and closer to the strip. Wi-fi is $5 a day, there's a small convenience store for things like water, Coco's Bakery is next door, parking is free, discounted weekly rates, cab to the airport about $15. C'mon..you can't get that good n cheap so close to the strip..without an STD I mean.

I had the strangest night at Mon Ami Gabi but the food was so good I had to change in the car after dinner because my clothes were too tight. Forreal forreal.

So me and gf got seated next to some odd characters. On our left was a couple and it was clear the wife hated her life and wanted her husband to hate his too. One of those non-talking couples where it's so awkward you don't want to even say anything because you know they're listening. At one point the wife stuck her hand into her water cup, grabbed a bunch of ice cubes, and threw them on the table saying, 'there's too much damn ice.' WHO DOES THAT?! Eesh..hint to husband: DIVORCE IS THE ANSWER.

On our right were two men in their mid-sixties who were a bit overly friendly. Right when I stuffed my mouth with bread they turned to ask about what we were eating. Can't I just open my mouth and show you? It was actually comforting to have pleasant people sitting next to us though with the ice queen on the other side but being constantly interrupted when I'm EATING is a Mari no-no.

Gf and I spent the whole dinner trying to figure out if our waitress was a twin and if her sister worked there too, or if she was just one person. Different versions of our waitress would serve us- one with glasses, one without, one with a jacket, one without, and she'd change her hair too. We finally realized it was one person but gf swore she was doing it on purpose to mind f*** us.

BUT ANYWAYYY.. the food. We decided go out straight after dinner and I had the bright idea of wearing a corset. I was cased up like a sausage..and still ordered the steak frites. Which was damn good, juicy and rare, even though I couldn't really breath. Bite, inhale, chew fast so I don't pass out. And their dirty martinis are smooth sailing. Our meal came out to about $90 something which is a little pricey but we got drinks so it's explainable. What I like about Mon Ami is that it's casual but still has that bistro charm.

It was worth changing in the car into something roomier, flashing the strip as we drove by. Who says looking like I'm about to have a food baby at the club isn't sexy?!?!

This place is a full on shit show from the moment you step into the Cosmopolitan (in a more bad than good way). I still haven't decided how I feel about Marquee but I'll go ahead and like it for now.

The negatives (and they are HUGE negatives):

- MASS chaos on all bagillian levels of the Cosmo that have entrances into the club. Follow the mob of hundreds of people on the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd floor trying to get in. It's so ridiculous that the club actually hires people to stand with signs that have arrows pointing people in different directions- table service that way, promoter lists this way. Like a bad amusement park. Once you actually get into the line you belong in, you realize you're a million miles away from the front door. FUN.

- the layout of the club irks me so bad. Okay, so it's obvious the people over at Cosmo have a ton of $$$ and can afford to create a hot club but DAMN can we say huh for a minute. For a club so huge, the dance floors are STUPID small, like oops, we forgot to put in a dance floor! Let's slip one in here. Thousands of people and you want me to dance where?! And the club is a maze. Which floor is wha? What's around that corner? I've been a couple times sober and still got lost. The layout just doesn't make sense to me.

The positives:

- tons of big name guest DJ's. IF the DJ that night plays your kind of music expect to have a badonks night. If not.. well.. find somewhere to sit. Like on top of their trashcans. (No joke. Don't judge.)

- it's pretty freakin gorgeous outside. I love the outdoor space as much as XS's. Mini-pools, strands of lantern lights dangling above, an amazing view of the strip.. it's so sexy. I wish they'd carried the same thought inside.

- the crowd is really cool, not necessarily the most diverse, but surprisingly laid back. And since the club has so many different rooms and patios it's easy to start conversations with people and score free drinks. Kidding!!!

I've been on both the bottom and the top of the club door hierarchy - no hookup, got there late, trying to stand in line, all the way up to promoters, getting there butt early and table service. What I've learned: No hook up? No table service? Skip Marquee. It's DEFINITELY not worth the wait. Otherwise, go ahead..I mean sure, why not?

Snap, crackle, and motherF***IN POP. Cardio Barre took me to SCHOOL. Showed me how out of shape I am and awakened all of my Rip Van Winkle sleeping muscles.

I'd recommend taking the intro class first, where you'll get a breakdown of the basic movements that are used. The only difference between the intro and beginner classes are that the beginner classes go at a faster pace, so the teachers won't stop to tell you how to do the next exercise, but will command you to switch at a hat's drop. Also, the intro class lets you get accustomed to what to expect- I almost passed out my first time because it was fast. ALWAYS BRING WATER. I learned my lesson.

The teachers are ridiculously motivating without being demeaning. Just when you want to give up because you think your arms will fall off they'll push you to work harder. And somehow, I'm mystified as to HOW, they remember everyone's name. They will come right up behind your ass and say 'Good job, MARI. Keep going, MARI' before moving on to the next person. All while they're doing half the exercises with you, AND talking into their headsets. Superpowers.

The best part about Cardio Barre is that it works every freakin muscle. You won't just work your legs- you'll do specific exercises to work your inner thighs, then your outer thighs, then your calves, then your quads... Depending on what the instructor is feeling that day, they'll pick a specific muscle group to work on even harder.

Melissa (the owner) is the hardest instructor but also the best. She'll take you to hell and back. The more you do Cardio Barre, the harder AND easier it gets. Easier in that it'll be like muscle memory and you won't even have to think about what the next move is. HARDER in that as your form improves, and you understand which muscles the movements are supposed to target, you're working yourself out more.

I could see how Cardio Barre would get repetitive after some time, but I'm sure that at least 3 months of hardcore, dripping sweat, about to have a hernia dedication would benefit anyone!

1.1 miles of walk your fat Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory eating booty off while taking in spectacular views.

I finally walked the infamous bridge after months of saying, "Oh, the weather sucks today" or "I think I'd rather sleep." This past weekend was beautiful, I got my full 12 hours, and did the damn thing. Whudduh beauty.

Most people walking the bridge look like tourists, myself included, except for the few obvious ones in suits and sneakers hauling ass to get home asap. The rest of us meander about, taking pictures and pointing at Manhattan at every opportunity.

Just try to remember there's a pedestrian lane and a bike lane. It got a little crowded in the pedestrian lane so god forbid I stepped past the thick white line and got shoved by some douchebag reject of society biker who had plenty of space to go around me. I hollered at him many profanities, something like "F YOU MOTHER F-ER!!" In my opinion, I gave the tourists a taste of New York hostility they're owed on any trip to the Big Apple.

Best of all I got some dorky souvenir pictures of myself mid-leap in front of the arches. Heh.. tooooo cool for school right here!