Kevin "Never eat someplace with 'wok' in its name" A.'s Profile

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A STIFF DRINK

THE HIDDEN DOOR
Only steps away from a 7-11, a bank, and an Asian massage parlor stands a sign-less facade with a door handle and a yellow light bulb overhead. At first glance it's a bit gimmicky - manufactured exclusiveness. On second thought, it's pure genius.

For this entrance is more than a door. It's a rabbit hole, the symbolic beginning of the Violet Hour experience, a portal meant to transport you away from the trains overhead and the text walkers below, a proscenium that separates two worlds...one where everything from cocktails to conversations are devoured quickly in Big Gulps and tweets...the other where time slows down, where the music is soft enough for people to talk and more importantly to LISTEN.

Which is the stage and which is the audience? Which world is real and which is the farce? The calm within or the chaos outside? All things best pondered over...

COCKTAILS
A no cosmopolitan rule; I'm already in love. I had a fight with a bottle of Tanqueray nine years ago, and I figured if I was going to give gin another chance this was the place to do it. I go with the Indian Summer, a mix of Plymouth Gin, lime, lavender syrup, and house-made tonic. First sip... Hello hello... light bulbs flash, my eyes open wide...I pause. This is delicious. My first reflex is to drain my glass dry, but I stop. I pause. I savor. I reflect. I smile. And I notice my friends are doing the same.

I end the night having had a wonderful conversation with old friends, expertly prepared cocktails, respectful and unhurried service, my world expanded to the wonders of gin, and perhaps a mandate to slow down and enjoy life more.

I will indeed be back and I suggest you do the same.

5 perfect, gin-soaked stars.

PART II: THE GOOD TWIN

Sharing the same space as the sub-par Li'l Guys sandwich shop is  My Pie.

If you're not in the mood for deep dish (which I seldom am) and prefer a thin crust pie, My Pie is a solid choice.  The crust is thin and crisp, the sauce is bursting with tomato flavor, and they are generous with their toppings (the sausage is particularly good).  In fact the only negative is that since they pile on so much toppings, the wafer thin crust doesn't always hold up which may lead you to knife and fork territory.

If they can make the thin crust a little more substantial while keeping the texture crisp, they'd be near the top of my list.

PART I: THE EVIL TWIN

Here's a short list of things that drive me absolutely insane:

-The sound of squeaking styrofoam
-Slow drivers
-Messy sandwiches

You know what I'm talking about...when you pick up a sandwich, take a bite, and half the filling slides out the other end. INFURIATING! I like to eat my egg salad sandwiches with my hands and not a fork thank you very much.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I tried the Turkinator which was a yellow sticky mess. Imagine unwrapping your sandwich to find syrupy honey mustard dressing EVERYWHERE. All over the paper, all over the bread, all over the counter, all over your hands. It was foul.

Finally, despite the mess the sandwiches are pricey and just mediocre. The L'il Guy mini sandwiches on King's Hawaiian rolls aren't as good as they sound, and despite their diminutive size, they still put a dent in your wallet.

URBAN DICTIONARY: THE LETTUCE ROLL

noun - (1) Phenomenon that occurs to people of discerning taste when someone suggests going to a Lettuce Entertain You restaurant, characterized by rolling of the eyes, sighing, and the fabrication of family illnesses to surreptitiously excuse oneself from said event.

It was a work dinner. *eye roll* The reservation was already made. *eye roll* I browsed the menu only to discover that they serve burgers, tacos, and SUSHI! *eye roll* FML, I thought...this is going to be bad. And it was.

I got the braised beef short rib which was too bland, too fatty, and very one note. No depth of flavor at all. Other misses for my group included the chicken tacos and some sad looking filets.

The highlight of my meal? The quick walk to XOCO afterwards for hot chocolate and churros.

COLONIZATION +1

I'm sure the French looted, pillaged, and plundered when they colonized Viet Nam, but on the bright side they taught the locals how to make incredible bread. That legacy lives on in this little gem on Lawrence which is my new go-to spot for banh mi.

First off, I felt like a bit of a traitor walking into Nhu Lan since I am such a big fan of Ba Le on Broadway; I got over that in about 5 minutes. Still not over my reservations on head cheese, I went for the pork banh mi (#4) and hit the road.

Sweet. Jebus.

I nearly turned the car around to get another sandwich, because it was love at first bite. Warm, crusty bread, sweet, sesame-studded morsels of pork, tangy, crunchy daikon and carrots, fresh, in-your-face cilantro, and fiery jalapenos. The combination of textures and tastes is so ethereal that you'll find yourself eating slowly just so you can prolong the experience. This is right up there with the lobster roll on my rankings of the world's best sandwiches.

5 stars!

$5 SAYS THIS PLACE TRANSFORMS INTO A BRUNCH PLACE IN 2 YEARS

Oh Gold Star...I feel for thee. Yes you rock today, with your mish mash of furniture, artfully graffiti'd bathroom, smattering of scraggly hipsters and hipstresses, and your uncanny ability to reliably attract the Tamale Guy when I'm at my hungriest... But what will become of you when the UVDBDS (that's the Ukrainian Village Deadly Brunch Disaster Squad to the lay person) sets its sights on your choice location and turns its evil gentrifying death ray on you?

How will you resist? Is all hope lost? Until then I'll be drinking a beer and nom-ing on tamales, awaiting my imminent demise.

POOL HALL STEREOTYPES...CORNER POCKET

I have to admit I was not thrilled at the prospect of going to a pool hall after the Hawks game.  The words 'pool hall' tend to conjure images of dark, cavernous spaces, suffocating clouds of cigarette smoke, and a-hole patrons just itching to stab you in the neck with a broken beer bottle.  I guess I've been going to the wrong pool halls, because City Pool Hall is nothing like that.

CPH is big, bright, and welcoming even to novice pool players like myself.  The servers are attentive (and kinda hot), the drinks are strong, and the bar food is surprisingly good.  It was nice to be in a place where the music isn't so loud that you can actually have a conversation with your friends and just relax.

THE MAGIC OF MOLLUSKS

I have to admit that I had tempered expectations when I first walked into Barcelona, not because of the restaurant per se, but because I tend to have lukewarm feelings about tapas. In food as in life, I believe you should do one thing and do it well... that the more you try to do, the greater the risk of spreading yourself too thin and excelling at nothing. Well, I was wrong. Barcelona excels at many things.

First off, I was dazzled by the magic they work with mollusks. Fried calamari is acceptable 10% of the time, overcooked and rubbery 89% of the time, and perfect 1% of the time. Here's to the chef at Barcelona who achieved calamari perfection. It was crisp, delicate, and oh so tender.

Ok, everyone gets lucky once in a while, I thought...surely everything else will fade in to mediocrity like most tapas do. Au contraire! Next up, calamari's cousin, the octopus. I can honestly say this was the most tender octopus I've ever had. I'm used to octopus that's tough and rubbery, but Barcelona's preparation was succulent, moist, and fork-tender. Ridiculously good.

Finally, as if things couldn't get any better, enter piping hot churros for dessert. Fresh out of the fryer, rolled in cinnamon sugar, with a cup of rich chocolate sauce for dipping. Out of this world.

BRUNCH AS BIG AS YOUR BABY?

The Shambles is the newest addition to the Division brunch circuit and is sure to be embraced by anyone who loves comfort food or gets moist at the sound of the words 'meat loaf' or 'chicken pot pie'.  

My friends and I dined al fresco and enjoyed one of those bittersweet damn-today-is-beautiful-but-I-know-it's-going-to-b e-butt-ass-cold-in-a-month September mornings. We were enticed by their slogan 'Brunch as big as your baby', a promise they certainly delivered on.

The portions and the plates here are gargantuan.  The pancakes are the size of the eye of a giant squid (or so I would imagine), the biscuits are the size of softballs, and the rosemary potatoes must weigh a pound at least.  I went for the Cajun scramble with Andouille sausage and mushrooms with a biscuit and potatoes and everything was excellent.  They also serve cornbread which looked fantastic.  

DISCLAIMER: At the time of this review they have been open exactly 26 days and serving brunch for only 2, so we expected (and experienced) a few slip ups (e.g. flat Diet Coke, mixed up orders, etc.)  .  No biggie.  It goes with the territory when you try a brand new place.  What made the difference though was the great attitude of the entire staff.  When my friend's order was incorrect they quickly fixed it, comped it, and were just really pleasant and friendly.  

I look forward to seeing this place blossom and achieve its true potential and I'll definitely be back for that chicken pot pie!

IS THAT A VAJAYJAY?

I'm not kidding.  I took me a few minutes to realize that their logo is actually some guy with a hat reading a map and not some sort of abstract caramel colored Fleshlight.  

I will chalk it up to blurred vision on account of the 300 incredible beers I consumed that night or hysteria induced by not being able to use my credit card.

That is all.