Lynn "www.lynnfavin.com" F.'s Profile

Holy heartburn, Batman!

While working a promotion in south Manhattan today I got to try the BBQ brisket slider and the chili slider. Both were fantastically tasty, with amazing texture. I kind of feel like I'm going to die right now, but it's a delicious way to go.

What a bunch of fuckin' hippies.

Seriously.  Me and my family (party of 4) walked in at 7:45 and were told there was a 20 minute wait.  

Cut to 9:15. STILL NO TABLE.  BECAUSE TIME DOES NOT EXIST WHEN YOU'RE HIGH.  

Every 15 minutes up til then the hostess told us "oh you're next" then sat another party. This happened 6 times.  BECAUSE YOU DON'T REMEMBER SHIT WHEN YOU'RE HIGH.

One of her excuses was "oh this table behind me is just paying up"... we look at said table and they are STILL EATING.  Wtf? Just tell us that there is an hour wait so we can go somewhere else, don't string us along.... OR MAKE THINGS UP BECAUSE YOU'RE CLEARLY TRIPPING PURPLE NURPLE.

Here's how each of us dealt with the stupidity of waiting 90 minutes:

Sister: Overtly flirt with a huge and hairy waiter until she scores two free fig newtons made with "spelt."
Mother: Say "I'm soooooo hungry" every time the hostess walked by
Dad:  Hide in a corner to avoid confrontation
Me:  Ask to speak to the freakin' manager because we've been waiting for 90 minutes.

The minute I talked to the bearded, bloodshot eyed manager, we got a table and 4 bowls of identically bland vegan food. Now, I've had plenty of awesome vegan food in NYC before but here we had to douse everything in soy sauce and hot sauce to get any taste.  And for the 90 minute wait, we were done with our meal in 20 minutes.  A very overpriced meal that had to be paid in cash only.  Did the manager offer any sort of compensation for our clearly miserable experience? No.  He didn't seem to give a shit.

Fuckin' stoners.

Shame on you, Kefi. Shame. On. You.

WTF- My brunch pita wrap with egg, greek sausage, and feta was cold. Minus one star.

WTF- Reasonable prices? I paid $15 for a soda, a cold pita wrap with barely any filling, and potato chips instead of 'greek homefries' like it says on the freakin' menu.  I could have gotten the exact same thing at the street fair right outside the door for half the price. Minus one star.

WTF- "We don't have hot sauce." Minus ONE MILLION STARS.

(I could go on with the star system but I just reached negative stars.  Let's continue with general WTF points, k?)

WTF- The waiter was impossible to flag down to order. And it wasn't that busy.

WTF- He steered me away from the Meze appetizer I wanted saying it was "too small." Later I saw it on another table- it was the size of a normal lunch plate, not the tiny bread plate he pointed at. Way to lie and upcharge me, asshole.

WTF- When I said to him "What kind of soda do you have?" he replied "Pepsi. But don't you want lemonade?"   WTF kind of response is that?!  In this huge restaurant you carry one soda option?! And again try to steer me away from what I wanted?!  I made it pretty clear that I want a damn soda!! Go shove your lemonade where the sun doesn't shine and stop eyeing my legs- I know I'm in red tights but it is rude to stare- at the very least be SUBTLE ABOUT IT!!!! *fangs pop out*

*breathes*

*retracts fangs*

When the check came, I paid for my share and walked outside to wait for the rest of the group because I was so disappointed with wasting my daily food budget on a pile o crap.  It's a good thing I enjoyed the company I was with because I would have walked out a lot sooner.

I hope you were having an off day, Kefi, because you should be ashamed of yourself.

Heaven is not a big white room with fluffy clouds and angels singing some bullsh*t on a harp.  Heaven is a tiny food cart in Astoria with hilariously misspelled signs like "OUR FALAFEL IS YUMMMMEY"

3 reasons why my version of heaven is better than the traditional one:

1)  When you're waiting in line at the truck, someone will hand you a fresh fragant falafel to nosh on.  Can you even eat food inside the pearly gates? I think not.

2)  You will probably change your mind ~5 times trying to decide what you want because everything looks so good.  There aren't any choices in the traditional heaven.  Except, y'know, going to hell.

3)  The King of Falafel and Schawarma himself will joke with you, give you both kinds of rice if you can't decide, toss on 4 (4!!!!!) scoops of fragrant chicken, extra salad, and some FREE SCHWARMA SLICES because he's AWESOME.  Schwarma trumps Manna.

If you're not horribly offended by this review, then take the N/W train to Broadway for some paradise on a plate.

And if you are horribly offended by this review- OH MY GOD IS THAT A BABY ANGEL SINGING "AMAZING GRACE"?!"  *points in one direction* *runs away in the other direction*

FRUIT FLIES

+

EMPLOYEE NAPPING ON A WINDOW LEDGE BY THE BATHROOM AT 4PM

=

SHADY

(No capital letters were harmed in this ranting on Qdoba Mexican Grill)

Please don't judge me.

PURCHASED
-1 package of marinated anchovy filets
-4 oz Saga Gorgonzola
-6 glazed donuts
-1 mixed bag of cheddar and parmesan cheeze-its
-10 large tortilla wraps
-1 box of kleenex
-1 2010 zen calendar

TOTAL
$8.22

All of the above food items were consumed the day of purchase and deemed delicious, while alternately flipping through my new zen calendar and blowing my nose.

STOP JUDGING ME!

Ok. Fine. Judge away. I'm a stressed out girl with a mild cold and strange eating habits.  But I'm frugal! And that's what counts, right?

My mind has been blown by this food truck.  Seriously- I am sitting here at 3am attempting to type while my fingers are still coated in deliciousness.  To explain:

Did I start eating my two tacos in the one avenue trek from the "El Rey Del Taco Truck" to my house? YES.
Did I finish eating my two tacos before I got home? YES.
Did I consume every last drop of gauc/sour cream/cilantro/porky goodness with my fingers before opening the door to my house? YES.
Did I not stop to wash my hands before writing this review? IT'S UNHYGIENIC BUT YES.

I want to skip down the streets of Astoria RIGHT NOW singing about this brilliant mexican food experience.  The al pastor taco was amazingly tender and the chunks of pinapple elevated the flavor profile to a perfect level.  I'll take off one star because my pollo taco had a very salty protein, but that's the only thing that could possibly be viewed as a downer to this incredible late night meal.  If I stop typing at any point, it's probably to go get another taco.

[stomach rumbles for more]

And there we go.  Bye!

Burrito Fail: A Lunch in Two Acts (or "How I Got Hives on My First Day of Work")
by Lynn F

SCENE 1: AT THE COUNTER OF 'PEAS & PICKLES'

Me: Hello!
Deli Guy: Hi sweetie. What can I get for you?
Me: Hmm... would you mind telling me what's in the chicken burrito?
Deli Guy:  Sure honey. It has chicken, rice, beans, cilantro, cheese, lettuce.

Deli Guy (in his head):  Silly girl.  I will teach you to never order mexican food at a standard deli again!  I will give you a lukewarm tortilla filled with mushy rice, shredded chicken that smells like cat food, green beans, and NONE of the other things i mentioned!  Beans? Cilantro? Cheese?  Maybe in your dreams, sweetie!  Tell you what... I'll put some brown lettuce on the side because I'm feeling generous.  And some extremely underripe avacado slices to give you hives on your first day of work.  And some tortilla chips for IRONY-  HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR MEXICAN LUNCH NOW SUGARPIE?!?!?!

Me: Sounds great. I'll take it!

Deli Guy (in his head):  Oh, you'll take it alright.  You'll take it all the way to the toilet.  MwahahahahaHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

SCENE 2:  AFTER THE FIRST BITE

Me: I've made a huge mistake.

FIN.

If I could date a real estate agency, I would.

But that would be weird.

~*~

In any case, Ardor Realty was like finding a hot chick on an online dating site. Your curiosity is peaked by attractive photos and interesting details. You establish communication with an e-mail or a phone call, both of you trying to see if the other person has what you really want. You decide to meet up, despite the inherent fear that you're could wind up actually meeting an 88 year old man with a molestache. But no.  The chick is HOTTER in person.

That's right.  Ardor Realty went out of their way to help me out, meet my specifications, and land me the gorgeous Brooklyn apartment I'm in now.  When the first few didn't work out (uncooperative landlords), my agent Av Berkowitz helped me land a July 15th move-in date and made sure all the renovations were done in time.  At no point did I feel pressured to SIGN RIGHT NOW OMFG.  Trust me, I had at least 4 nightmare meet-up experiences with other places I found online.  These people rock.

~*~

Internet dating for real estate agencies.  It can be done!

The food may be cheap and available late at night, but so are back-alley hookers.  And you don't want to touch either of them.  

I ordered a black bean burrito from here once and ended up with a tortilla log full of Uncle Ben's Minute Rice and black mush.  Also, please note that "filled with guacamole, sour cream, lettuce, and salsa" actually means "lukewarm versions of these condiments will be served on the side of a dripping Styrofoam container."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: The Saddest Do-It-Yourself Burrito In The World.

*faceplant*

I'm going to go take out my feelings of betrayal (how DARE you lie and name your establishment "Yummy" Taco?!) and hunger on a stray kitten.  Don't tell PETA.