Chris "I'm not the guy who beat up that Rhianna chick" B.'s Profile

Warning and Disclaimer:  This is not a family-friendly review

The Esmeralda Resort and Spa in Palm Desert, California - a stab your eardrums with sharp pencil and poison your reproductive organs kind of experiences ensues..............

My Fiance wanted to get out of town for the weekend.  I was fine with staying in our beautiful San Diego but since she was pulling her hair out at work, stressed to the nines and frustrated enough to consider spending money on a weekend away, I agreed that it might do us some good.   A smart man knows what battles can be won and which ones are best left unopposed.  Without much consideration for the matter, I said "go for it, find something, book something and lets get away."  She chooses Palm Springs, Palm Desert to be more accurate.  A place with words "resort" and "spa" in the name.  An all too brief google search brings back a few images that look OK so I go back to surfing the internet for house cats with funny captions and some occasional NSFW images.

After a 2-hour drive from San Diego, we find ourselves in the middle of the still-to-damn-hot-to-breathe-outside desert.  "No problemo" I say to myself "I'll just chill by the pool and drink overpriced booze brought to me by bitter and spiteful hotel workers forced to wear polyester outfits in the near-100 degree heat".   I said No "Way Jose" to the valet (his name was Jose according to the nameplate) because they wanted 25 bucks a night to valet the car.  I park, gather the shit and head towards the nearest hotel entrance.  As I round the corner, I come upon a sight and sound that I immediately recognized as confirmation that I would have zero shot at a relaxing and chill weekend......30 Billion screaming/yelling/mostly retarded and totally uncool children, tween and teens.

This is the point where I should apologize to any parents reading this, having sired retard kids or not. I don't hate kids and I am sure you are really proud of yours.  Its just that I don't give 2 shits about them and I definitely do not want to hear them screaming poolside.  I'm sorry for being this way, I have no excuses, I am not a good human but at least I don't lie about it or cover it up with false sincerity.

Back to the review...yep....I said 30 billion kids.  Might be a bit of an exaggeration but, know this ... it was a sea, no, an OCEAN of screaming kids in the pool, around the pool, peeing in the pool.  They were everywhere and the sound was deafening.  It was like being on the set of a nickelodeon show where the producers, instead of handing out green slime, gave away a nearly unlimited supply of pharmacy-grade meth.  Unreal.

The hotel is nice...don't get me wrong.  If you love golf (cough-lame-cough) then this is your place.  The hotel is very nice (recent refurb) and almost swanky at times.  The problem is ...... well.....you know how the kids who get into the most trouble are the ones with the trust fund and the private schooling?  Same thing here.  Its like The OC or Gossip Girl or the Kennedy's (too soon?).  You can take the kids out of the country club but you cant make them not steal your wallet and/or date-rape your daughter.

Anyway, as it turns out, Marriot formed some unholy alliance with nickelodeon and this is one of 5 places in the country where they partner up to make it a "Family Vacation to remember forever!!"  I can't forget it soon enough.  Throughout the day they would have these contests/events poolside.   Some insipid dude would  MC with a microphone would blurt out semi-retarded dialogue and after every sentence, somebody would play some DJ-Scratch/Hip-Hop kind of catchphrase (on cue even!!) like "THATTTTZZZ WIGGY-GGGY-GGY-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK".  I was embarrassed for anyone of color who was there because it was just insulting.

Its not on my list of places to return to.  Maybe Palm Desert/Springs just isn't my kid of place but I have been here before and had plenty of relaxing fun.  I'm guessing that this resort just isn't my thing.  The hotel gets 4 stars but because of it infestation I have to retract 3.  Call me a dick if you will but that's my experience and the rating stands.  Your mileage may vary.  If you have kids and are immune to the whole thing, then maybe this is your place.  If you're like me on the other hand (very mild to very wild...think white sandy beach all to yourself for miles on each side to ....Rehab at the Hard Rock in Vegas) then this will not be your dream getaway.

Lastly, to any couple out there considering having children and are a bit undecided....come spend a weekend here.  Should make up your mind real quick.

CJ's Lounge.  Free Wifi, cheap drinks, good times.

An "I thought this place was a dive" kind of experience ensues.

I've lived in Hillcrest for about 7 years now.  I must have driven past this place a thousand times and always felt oddly drawn to it.  For some reason I thought it was a dive bar full of old gay queens.  Damn, was I wrong.

(for the record, there is nothing wrong with dive bars, old queens or any combination of the two.)

I travel for work.  When I am home, if I have any work to do, its usually minimal and since I am a consultant and have no boss...I like to drink beers when I have meaningless paper work to do.  I started a Yelp convo asking for bars with Wifi today and the first responce was from Michael L. who recommended CJ's.  Good call dude, I owe you some Karma points.

The place is much nicer than I anticipated inside.  It almost looks like it was recently renovated.  Comfy booths, LCD TVs ringing the granite bar, subdued earth tone colors...just a fresh CLEAN feel to the place.  Gaming consists of a dart board and a touch screen computer.  They have next-gen jukebox and a smoking area as well.  Prices were dive-bar equivalent although all I drank was tap beer.  The clientele was neither "gay old queen" or "dive bar scum" (nothing wrong with either) which surprised me as well.

All in all, this place was a HUGE surprise to me.  I was expecting something wholly different than what I got.

I will definitely be back as this is a good alternative to the Alibi for me.  Enjoy.

Blue Water Seafood.  Fresh Ahi, fresh Calamari, fresh waitresses.

A "smells like fish but tastes like...ummm FISH?" kind of experience ensues.

I love fish.  Its the best protein and it tastes awesome, especially fresh.  Blue Water satisfies on every aspect of the "fresh fish" experience for me.  I try to each fish 3-4 times a week.  To hell with the mercury conspiracy theorists, I don't buy it.

My buddy and I met for lunch today at BW.  We agreed to meet at 11:30 AM because lunch time can get a little busy.  We're glad we did because by noon the line was 10 people deep and folks were eye balling our table with lust in their eyes.  (maybe it was just my fancy duds)

Wait times here vary.  You don't get a waiter, you order from the counter and someone brings you your grub.  The chick taking the orders was slow but cute and her attitude (whoa nelly!! blonde with tattoos) made it worth it.  I ordered the Alaskan Halibut (blackened) sandwich with avocado.  Delish!  The red onions were just enough to not overwhelm the sandwich and the avo is a superb alternative to mayo or (FSM forbid) tartar sauce.

WTF is tartar sauce anyway....Moby Dick cum?  Jeeez, that shit is nasty.

My buddy orders the Calamari steak plate.  There is a big difference between the squid steak and the tentacles, mostly in terms of chewiness.  According to Randy Gruber from Restaurant Americana, the key to making non-rubbery calamari is to use high heat so it sears and cooks quickly.  Well, it would seem that the kitchen in BWS has all the necessary and requisite heat because this squid was excellent.  Paired with a green salad, white rice and a large corona...this meal owns.  I wish I had ordered it.

OK, so bear in mind, BWS is not fast food.  The fish is fresh, allegedly never frozen, and every meal is prepared to order so nothing is sitting under a heat lamp.  That being said, most of the time you wont get out of here for under 12 dollars.  Matter of fact, my meal (blackened Halibut sammich with a corona and no sides) came in at 20.34.  My buddy paid over 23 for his.  Bear this in mind when you go but understand that you are getting a very good meal for less than you would pay for a shitty, frozen, battered, deep fried meal from Red Lobster or Joes Crab Shack which are only about a half point above a Filet 'o Fish from McDonalds.  

Oh yeah, they are a grill AND market so if you like what you or your friend have for lunch, you can buy some to take home and make yourself.  That's pretty snazzy.

Empire Hotel NYC.  Central Park West, rooftop bar, swanky digs.

A "this is not exactly how Gossip Girl portrays it" kind of experience ensues.

So if you been following my reviews or just recently noticed I'm reviewing a bunch of NYC spots.  I haven't moved from San Diego, I'm just taking advantage of my travel schedule bringing me close to a Yelp friendly area.  Most of the time I am stuck in a Hotel 6 out in Goose Rape, Montana or some shit.  Focus, Chris.  Stay focused.

So yeah, I'm doing some work in New Jersey and have a few days to kill before going to Maine for more work.  Since Nuevo Jersio sucks the big one (I'm biased, sue me) I decide that an NYC weekend is just the pill I need.  I start hunting for someplace to stay using the usual suspects (orbitz, priceline, http://hotels.com) and nothing but shit is coming up.  High priced shit.  I know NYC pretty well so it's a no brainer to stay far from Times Square hotels but I don't really want to be that far from some fun shit.  Finally, http://booking.com pops up a reasonable rate for Empire Hotel NYC.  I check the address and it's in a decent spot, three blocks from Columbus Circle at the Southwest corner of Central Park, directly across from Lincoln Center and near my fave 8th avenue restaurants.  Website has some snazzy looking interior pics and Im thinking "why not" and book the room.

I show up the next day for check-in and the hotel has my reservation but is showing a daily rate about $200 more than what I agreed to via the web site.  I spend 30 minutes with the staff figuring that mess out before I get my room keys.  I should mention that the staff was polite, helpful and extremely considerate during this process.  The lobby is VERY nice, very modern without being too avante gard.  A mezzanine, cozy booths around a bar and subdued brown and gold tones throughout accentuate the lobby and entranceway.  My room was very similar, albeit smaller.  A HUGE king size bed, chilly a/c, free wireless internet (strong signal) and a big ass LCD television make up the majority of the room.  The bathrooms were tiny as shit though and there was this odd mildew smell I caught every once in a while.  It was not ever present or over bearing, just....there.  The mini bar was the most expensive I have ever seen before which is no small feat considering my European business trips.  I quickly decided to stock my own pharmochemical happy land (read: Vodka) and had to call the bar for ice.  That's a pain since it took 20 minutes for room service to deliver it and Daddy needs his medicine quick like, ya dig?

Fast forward a few hours and I decide to hit the roof top bar lounge that I heard so much about online. Throw some fancy JC Penny duds on and out I go.  It should be a quick trip, elevator from my floor to the top floor, right?  You would think so but no. I end up at the roof top pool and make my way, via back hallways and a kitchen to the actual lounge.  I pop out of some servant entrance like a crasher which gave the bouncers a good scare.  Apparently you are supposed to go down to the bottom floor and take a special elevator to the top floor.  This is laughable since the hotel has some shit-slow elevators in that building.  They (bouncers) almost threw me out but since I was a guest of the hotel they quickly backed off.  Great views of the city and Lincoln Center from up here but the price of the drinks was too high.  I asked for a vodka martini, they ask for 20 bucks.  I ask for the cheapest beer in the place they give me a CAN of Bud Lite and ask for 11 bucks.  Obviously I didn't pre-drink enough in my room.  I mean, I know its NYC but COME ON!  You can drink cheaper in tourist rich Times Square and Daddy needs his medicine quick like, ya dig?  (I used that already didn't I?)

Long and short of it is that it is rather expensive.  The staff is courteous and polite.  The beds are great.  You will get nickel and dimed for every little thing so go easy on the requests.  I don't think I will return here.  There are just too many choices to be had in NYC to stay somewhere I was ambivalent towards.

Schiller's Liquor Bar.  Retro Americana furnishing, cryptic menu, zero elbow room.

A "how do you pronounce Gruyère cheese, anyway?" kind of experience ensues.

So after a few years away from the East coast, I am back.  Unfortunately I am not staying in the city the first few days.  I'm out in SopranoLand...Newark and Secaucus NJ and I start to get a little nutty about the whole shebang.  I should write a review of the Meadowlands area but I wouldn't be able to say anything nice (another time, another place).  So my buddy and I are going stir crazy in NJ and decide to head into Manhattan.  We call a mutual friend who lives in Brooklyn who agrees to meet up with us on the lower west side.  He recommends Schillers although his recommendation is second-hand from his wife and he's never actually been there himself.  Fuck it, what else are we gonna do?

Well, to be fair, we considered just going on a bender of alcohol, illicit chemicals and dive bars but the urge to eat food overcame that self destructive urge.  Besides, what fun is puking if there is no substance, no "girth" to the puke, eh?

Reservation were made for 7:30, we showed at 6:45.  No prob, they say, seat us right down and take drink orders.  The place has a very open and airy feel which is appropriate considering the wide open french door windows that line one wall.  At this time of day, the dining area was open and easy to negotiate and although the bar was packed, conversations were easy to manage.  Waiter comes to take the order and doesn't bat an eye at the voluminous booze order.  I like that in a waiter, show no fear in the face of impending disaster, just hope we drink and get the fuck out before one of us elbow an  old lady in the face (sorry Mom).

Fast forward about 6 drink orders and the waiter is getting impatient for us to order something of substance.  My friend from Brooklyn orders a burger after staring at the menu in a confused and progressively angry manner for about 10 minutes.  Apparently he can't decipher the font/script they use and to make matters worse, does not know what Gruyère cheese is.  The kindly and patient waiter actually gives him a mini history on Gruyère cheese, where it came from, how its made and what sets it apart.  The whole thing was so odd and surreal that we were stumped into a haze.   The kind of fog that only the knowledge that we would totally bomb if ever on that Jeopardy game show  brings on in a person.

By now the place is picking up fast and its getting packed.  I'm getting elbowed from all sides and conversation is getting harder.  The food shows and my Cuban sandwich (with melted Gruyère, natch!) is so so.  Not bad but not great.  The fries were damn good and obviously fresh.  Fresh as in sliced from a potato just hours previous.  My buddies had much the same experience.  Very BLAH BLAH.  Prices were a tad high IMHO but the level of service was excellent.

I give the place 3 stars because it is surrounded, in every direction, by dive bars.  We walked past the place late on the way to meet an "amateur pharmacist" friend of a friend and the joint was jumping as Gramps would say.  They must have a good night life scene and it is quite possibly a good spot for a late night bite after drinking a lot.

The Eatery NYC.  "Mac & Cheese, great martinis, even greater people watching"

A "holy mother of God, can macaroni and cheese actually be this good?" kind of experience ensues.

I love this place.  LOVE is an understatement.  I want to make some awkward advances towards it, take it out for some wine and cheese at an indie art gallery and then play a fast game of slap and tickle with it in the dark corner of a dive bar with it.  (followed 3 months later by an inevitable restraining order of course)  

A friend of mine introduced me to the Eatery a few years ago during an extended business trip here in Manhattan.  The neighborhood is great so I was agreeable but I know I rolled my eyes when she suggested I order the baked macaroni and cheese dish, known as Mac and Jack on the menu.  By the power invested in me by American Express, I will not order Mac and Cheese on the company dime.  I will, I must!! order something much more expensive if the company is paying.  She utters "whatev" and orders it for herself just to be a shit.

Those words I uttered earlier, yep, I had to eat em because the bite she gave me pulled me directly from the clutches of the dark side.  Don't get me wrong, my entree, the Pan Seared Sea Scallops, was excellent but the Mac and Jack was a stain on the brain that would'nt ...umm....abstain?  Anyway, the next day I grab a book and head back for lunch.  I order the Mac and Jack and a bottle of pinot.  I was so happy and so full (and possibly drunk) that I never went back to work that afternoon.  Fast forward 2 years and I am back.  Last night was no exception to the excellent experiences of the past.  Reservations were made for 8:30.  Table is ready when I arrive.  Order some sangria to start and the Yellowfin Tuna Tartar as an app while I people watch.  My waiter whose name I cannot remember (my bad) was GREAT.  Consistent, friendly, funny and quick witted which I like since I hang out with a lot of former fetal alcohol syndrome afflicted children.  The Mac and Jack arrives and its teh bomb as all the kids say.  I could go on and on about it but its 5 star comfort food taken to a whole new level.  

I was so stuffed and happy (and possibly drunk as that I switched to Negro Modelos once the mac arrived) that the rest of my night was kind of a wash.  I was pretty happy to sleep it off.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I have every intention to hit up the brunch menu in which case I will update this review to reflect that experience as well.  In addition, tonight I am heading out and since I am in the area, I may check out it's late night scene as that the "pretty people" are always in abundance in this area.
UPDATE:  I did make it to brunch.  Green eggs and ham (Croissant with Egg Whites, Goat Cheese, Honey Roasted Ham, Basil Pesto and Baby Greens Salad) is my new fave breakfast food.    

In short, the place is great for locals and out of towners and the price is right.  I recall sub-100 checks for me and another, entress, appz and lots of drinks.  Call for a reservation.

Liberty Bikes. Cheesy name, great prices, quality service

A "look out for the freakin traffic" kind of experience ensues....

Back in my home town of San Diego I am daily commuter biker.  I think Ive put a massive 2 tanks of gas into my truck over the summer.  Either I am a totally green-mined gear head or a chronic DUI offender with no license.  I'll just let the tabloids figure that one out.  Regardless, being in NYC is fun but my ADD gets the better of my at times and I need to see MORE MORE MORE FASTER!!!!!   NYC Yelpers recommended this place and its proximity to my hotel makes it a no-brainer.  I head on over without calling (maybe a mistake?  not so) and find their little shop with no problem.  The place is busy, very busy but the employees moving around the joint are a well oiled machine and in no time at all I've got the paperwork done and head out to the curb to grab the bike.  Dude gives me a choice between a few different style bikes, I decide on an Ironhorse and after 2 minutes of adjusting the seat, brakes and handlebars I am off.  Not 4 minutes later I am Columbus circle at the Southwest corner of Central Park.  Bike performed very well.  I was kind of expecting a real dog of a bike like a Huffy or a NEXT but the bike was Ironhorse.  It was obvious that it had a lot of miles on it but the damn thing was very well tuned and gave me no problems.  Fast forward 3 hours and I am turning it back in right before they close at 7.  The staff was courteous, non-pushy, fast and efficient.  On top of that, the prices were damn skippy, only 6 bones per hour.  There were bike renters operating directly at the park but the bikes looked Tara Reid's breasts and the prices were at least 4 dollars more per hour.

I don't hand out 5 star reviews to often but my experience was very positive.  Hope you find it the same.

Portuguese eating, no habla english wait staff, dirty downtown crack-whore ridden Newark....................a "these aren't the crabs I was looking for" experience ensues.

You may think from the statement above that I did not enjoy myself at Iberia Peninsula.  Not true.  I had a good time and a good meal, I'm just not a Newark guy.  For the record, I'm a New York City guy who lives in San Diego. Mucho Differencio.  So I am in town working on a project in Secaucus NJ for a few days (before happily relocating from the Meadowlands to the upper-west side) and the job is on the larger side so I have my bff Jake in town to help and another colleague who grew up around here as well.  He says he has the spot for dinner in mind.  Considering I could care less unless I actually can get into NYC, I allow him to drive us to dirty-ass Newark.

As a side note...5 happy hour drinks tend to make me a happy guy so I was also a cooperative guy.  Newark is generally a no-no as that NYC is just minutes away anyway.

Iberia Peninsula surprised me though.   For that matter, downtown Newark surprised me.  They have cleaned it up a lot since my last visit (2-3 years ago) although I was still accosted by a hooker with a penis in the parking lot.  

Place is decorated in what I can only describe as Ron Burgundy's rec room.  Seriously, there are fake swords, suits of armor, pole arms and models of sailing ships on olden yore all over the place.  The waiters (never spotted a chick working the joint) all rock cheap black suits and a black pee-wee Herman bow tie.  Shit is high-larious.  The first 2 didn't speak enough English to know that "crown" meant "crown royal" and so drinks were a tad late in arriving.  Finally got the sweet release of vodka flowing back into my blood stream (I drink to kill the pain) and then the appz came.  Garlic shrimp...good stuff!!!  Hard to disagree with three things I love.  Shrimp, butter and tons of garlic.  Add a slice of "don't know your name sex" and I would be in heaven.  My colleague suggested the "platter" and since I couldn't care less because I am basking in the warm glow of my second vodka tonic I agree. Ricky Ricardo's love child brings us the serving tray piled high with all kinds of seafood on a bed of saffron rice.  Fish, scallops, calamari, shrimps, lobster, mussels and clams abound.  It was a kosher man's nightmare which is kind of funny to me since the guy who ordered it is a good Jew boy.  4 of us there and we barely finished it.  Prices were good and parking was free across the street.    Not bad for Newark though.  I give it a solid three stars.

(BTW, it's been about a year since I wrote a Yelp review....feels good to be back)

Cream.  Coffee, Tea....Wine and Beer?  (ok)

A sugar with a hint of coffee and cream experience ensues......

I used to come here to this coffee shop before it was cream.  I wish I could remember the name of it but I can't.  I blame the drugs for my short term memory loss.  Regardless, I used to come here pre-Cream and I did once right after it became Cream.  Let me lay out the scenario for you.  I park on Park, walk up and the sign is missing and the interior has changed.  People I do not recognize are working the counter.  I walk up to the counter, where this scrawny Hipster-wannabe chick with too many tattoos on her neck is working.

Me:  Hey is this place under new management or something?
Princess Emo: (rolls eyes and nods yes as if I am beneath her)
Me:  Did the name change?  What is it?
Princess Emo:  (rolls eyes AGAIN and slowly turns toward the chalk board menu list where the word Cream can barely be made out amongst scrawled drink names and such)

I was so unhappy with her attitude I walked out.  So sorry my business is beneath you and distracting from the poem you are working on in your head for your myspace page later.  I was pissed.  I wanted to choke this chick with coffee grounds.

Fast forward 12 months (or so) to present day and Ive decided to give this place a chance again.  I walk in and the scene hasn't changed all that much.  I like the fact that local art is still hanging on the walls.  I order a plain coffee which is all I can review since I don't drink cafe lattes and such.  It was good but what was better was the service.  She even talked to me!!  Shocker.  Numerous choices of flavors (which I don't do), blends and roasts to choose from.  I didn't have a problem finding a seat or a plug for my laptop charger.   I sit down and prepare to right THIS review.  Fire up the laptop and wait for wireless to give me a connection, which it does.  I launch a browser and within 60 seconds I know this isn't going to work.  Emails are taking forever to load, IM is taking forever to connect, web pages are timing out, everything network related is dying on me.  I work in the IT field (hard to believe as that I am so rockin but its true) so I fire up some tools I keep on my laptop for just this reason.  Bottom line, no effin way anyone was getting anything done on this network, the internet pipes were totally saturated and unusable.  I look around and sure there are at least 20 laptops around the room.  I don't know what they are using but its probably something low end like a consumer level DSL or cable connection.  Weak sauce and I ding them hard for this.  I want to cruise the net or work or something while I enjoy my coffee, I'm not really their to socialize.  Neither  were any of the other people I saw there, most looked like they were studying or trying to complete projects.  I packed up and walked out before a quarter of my coffee was finished.  GAH!  No internet, no business from me.  Bottom line is, I won't be back even though it sucks because I find it to be a charming  little shop.

Big City Bagels.  Onion, garlic, lox.

A schmear of cream cheese kinda experience ensues...

I don't like this place and by that I mean I kind of do like this place.  confused?  Me too, I think its the meds I am on.  Back to the bagels.  They aren't that bad but I would venture a guess any self respecting New Yorker would have a prob or 2 with them.  Since we are in San Diego and Einstein Bagels seems to be my only alternative, its gets 3 stars.  Packed into a tiny little place in the Ralphs "uptown district" shopping center, these folks do a fair to decent job of providing a variety of fresh made bagels for all you carb-friendly folks.  Personally I am partial to the jalapeo cheese or the garlic bagels but I hear the rest of the selection is good too.  Open style preparation behind the bagel case, quality meats, but microwaved eggs?  Thats my first complaint but you get that everywhere so I should just shut up about it.  

When I went there years ago with a girlfriend, she got a lot more attention from the server behind the counter than I ever will since I'm no lesbian.  Second complaint........

Not that that is a bad thing at all.  Maybe I just look like an asshole and they pick up on it.  Whatever.  Maybe I just have never enjoyed the level of service I get there.  Doesn't really matter since it isn't the kind of place I would go to for the service, it's the food I'm here for.

Where the lox are concerned, well, I stick to DZ Akins.  These didn't exactly make me go "shalom".  3rd complaint.

The coffee is normally WAY to hot too, close to boiling every time I have it.  4th complaint.

They get points for being in walking distance from my house but thats about it.  Its nothing special and I do not know why people go ape shit over it but it is a local business and not part of a mega chain so they get my biz over the others in  the area.