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Eric "nur mein schlong gibt Ihnen Freiheit" S.'s Profile

Photo of Eric S.

"If You Crave Brilliance, Wit & Humor, then Search No More."

Review votes:
195 Useful, 117 Funny, and 169 Cool

Compliments You're Funny (16) Cute Pic (1) Thank You (42) Good Writer (14) Great Lists (1) Just a Note (14) Hot Stuff (15) You're Cool (25) Write More (1)
Location

Salem, MA

Yelping Since

April 2009

Things I Love

hahahah, sociopaths can't love...

Find Me In

... girls gone wild 2 and 3, and Splatterhouse 5.

My Hometown

Halloweentown, USA

My Blog Or Website

Top Secret - I write under 4 pen names.

When I'm Not Yelping...

I'm perfecting my palm reading skills.

Why You Should Read My Reviews

People will be strangely attracted to you for all the right reasons.

My Second Favorite Website

Yelpaholics Anonymous

The Last Great Book I Read

I read 5 books simultaneously so get me a real question, puhlease...

My First Concert

The Devil Went Down to Jamaica http://www.youtube.com...

My Favorite Movie

Splatterhouse 5

My Last Meal On Earth

Soylent Green (Google It)

Don't Tell Anyone Else But...

I'm a wise, mystic as well as heir to a massive fortune.

Most Recent Discovery

Eating a 10oz can of corn in one sitting is a really big mistake.

Current Crush

Janice Dean, the Weather Machine

Recent Reviews

102 Reviews

Filter by: Location   Category
60 Washington St
Salem, MA 01970
(978) 744-2320

Boston Hot Dog  

Category: Hot Dogs

5 star rating
 1/28/2010  
(As of  1/21/10, Boston Hot Dog has permission from the City of Salem to be open until 2am, Thur-Sat, each week.  No eating inside.  Like Bill & Bobs, late night, get your stuff and go eat in your car or house.)

This is my new favorite place.

I honestly tried like the dickens to avoid this place because I was trying to diet but I discovered something about them, recently, that has me going over there (and introducing friends to it) like a kitten to milk -- the *slow-cooked* pastrami!

I've had the 1/4lb Angus Beef dog w/the home-made onion relish;
I've had the massive Kielbasa with sauerkraut and deli mustard;
I've had the chili, cheese n jalapeno-smothered, Texas dog;

....all deserving of high praise and a glowing story of their own.

But, as great as they all are, the slow-cooked pastrami is like food mana from heaven all in a class of its own.

When I saw the sign for it, I went in and asked Joe, "What's so different about slow-cooked?", and he launched into an explanation that only a foodie could give... and only a true foodie could love.  Basically, the pastrami is slow cooked in it's juices for quite some time and then, just before being served, is microwaved which draws the fat down considerably.  Then it's covered with shredded cheese that melts in moments.

Unlike most pastrami sandwiches which can be stringy, and curly, with blogs of marbled fat, Boston Hot Dog's slow cooked pastrami is is uber-tasty and just melts in your mouth like butter.  For people who normally have digestion problems with meaty items, this ends up layering down in your stomach better, rather than having chunks of unchewed pastrami crawling back up your food pipe.

Curious, I asked Joe where he got this idea and he was quick to give credit where it was due.  "On the Food Network.  I was watching that guy, Guy Fieri, and he was telling something that slow-cooked pastrami was one of his best kept secrets.  Well, not any more!!!", Joe chuckled.

I usually don't drink sugary drinks but Joe, the admitted foodie, sold me on a free slug of iced, cold, DRAFT root beer, fresh on tap from their new refrigerated keg setup and I learned, right there and then, that there's root beer... and then there's ROOT BEER!  It's a must try for root beer lovers but, if you're sensitive to sugar, then have a half glass, or share it with a friend. ;)

Joe and I had got to talking about all kinds of things like his gastric bypass (go ahead, ask him about it), but the conversation eventually turned to "bean dips" which are NOT on the menu.  He makes them himself for himself and friends.  Well, either I said a magic word, or he was just exceptionally generous but he explained how he makes 3 bean dips and then loaded me up with 3 containers full of each.

Now, is that a freakin' food joint to return to, or what?!

Stop thinkin' about it and get the heck down there... like I said, they're even open til 2am, Thur-Sat, so now there's a SERIOUS food place to satisfy your craving that doesn't leave you hostage to the greasefests known as Denny's or Bill n Bobs.

And tell 'em I sent ya!

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407 Cabot St
Beverly, MA 01915
(978) 922-1656

New York Fried Chicken Restaurant  

Category: Chicken Wings

5 star rating
 11/3/2009  
Oh my freakin' head!!  I can't believe there's a deadly awesome fried chicken place in the 'hood!!!  

Yeah, you think that KFC in Danvers is any good?  Only if you like a 3-car parking lot jammed with 20 cars, long lines and people screaming at each other in something like Martian language.

There's like no other fried chicken places in the north shore other than KFC and places no one ever thinks of and this one doesn't just fill an empty space... New York Fried Chicken is AWESOME!!!

1.  The skin is perfectly crispy and not at all greasy.
2.  The meat comes right off the bone;
3.  Mashed potatoes, awesome!
4.  Cole slaw, awesome!
5.  Rolls?  AWESOME!

I was so excited to dig into my jumbo, 5pc dinner (a reasonable $6.99) w/2 sides and 3 rolls), that I tore into it right where I was parked and left a big pile of bones on their front doorstep (get a barrel!!).

I know no business likes litter but what a testimonial to your awesome chicken to step out your front door and go ass over tea kettle from slipping on a huge pile of chicken bones?

I thought I'd try one of their desserts, too, so I ordered a "banana pudding", sorta thinking I was gonna get some cheap, canteen-truck style, thin banana musch that would last about 2 spoonfuls.

Boy was I wrong!

This was thick n creamy and it had 3 vanilla wafer cookies in it and it was plenty!!

I didn't have any of the other stuff but I am excited about going back because they have all sorts of cool items like fried shrimp, whiting fish, haddock...

Oh wait, I was just about to joke and say, "Heck, I'm even gonna run over there for breakfast!", but you know what!?!

THEY SERVE BREAKFAST, TOO!!

It really caught me by surprise when I saw the hot looking breakfast ad that said we serve breakfast, too... so, I AM going there.

Listen, let me explain one more thing before I end this...

This isn't your typical chicken restaurant... this is one of those places that's run by Mediterranean people.... kinda like the other restaurants run by Greeks n Albanians.  Well, I'm mentioning that because THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO COOK.  This isn't just dumping a bunch of chicken into a deep fryer and throwing a bunch of greasy fries next to them and sending you on your way.

This stuff is for REAL!

If you love fried chicken you will LOVE this fried chicken.  Really!

Stop staring at your screen and get over there... it's awesome!

I hope there's no limit on the number of times I can say awesome in a review because this place is.... hehehe

AWESOME!!!!

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24 Broadway
Lynnfield, MA 01940
(781) 595-2001

Mount Vernon Restaurant  

Categories: Seafood, Steakhouses

3 star rating
 10/31/2009   First to Review
Originally the legendary, "The Ship" restaurant, Mount Vernon is like the 3rd of 4th incarnation of this well-known "half-ship" restaurant.  Unfortunately, it is not yet up to the standards of the original ship restaurant.

Upon walking in the front door, you are greeted by the wonderful scent of candles from the Yankee candle shop next door.  After walking up a short flight of steps (or taking the elevator), you enter the upstairs which, to the left, seems very nice and romantic, and, to the right, a separate room which is more cozy but less elegant.

Now, instead of providing reams of words in our attention-challenged internet age, I'm just going to create an easy to read ordered list to explain why Mount Vernon only gets 3 stars...

1. Told "Soup of Day" was Corn Chowder; I received clam chowder;
2. NY Sirloin strip a bit grisly but otherwise ok;
3. Salad LOOKS fancy on a rectangle plate, but not hearty;
4. Mashed potatoes great w/small chunks but only 3 stalks asparagus;
5. Understaffed because waiter not only disappeared towards end of meal but was so long we didn't even let him offer us dessert or coffee which would have been nice had he come when we called him 10-15 min earlier;
6. As another party member stated, it wasn't anything spectacular but just ordinary food that looked really good.

Other non-food related points:

1.  Low ceilings in side room, plus a lot of people, plus candles, plus ventilation not on enough = SAUNA.  It was like a wave of heat at the end of the meal that just made us all super tired and sweating;
2.  Took elderly person to use rest room and while there were 2 stalls open, a waiter was using the handicap stall and not even for sitting down.  Normally, that's fine but not in an "emergency" situation.
3. The bathroom stall floor was not clean.  The last thing one needs is their pants soaked from someone else.
4. The sinks are not wheelchair friendly, knees wont fit under them.

While some of the above might sound bad and cause a reader to not want to go, I'd still recommend any person still try it because it really just could have been a bad night.

Since everything seemed off by just a hair, I'm thinking it was just that particular night... maybe the combination of employees, or an unexpected challenge but the food was very fresh and the eating areas have a nice ambience to them and could be very cozy if they just kept the air circulating.  

And if they demanded waiters not go 15 minutes after a meal before offering coffee and dessert, that'd be the final touch.

I say give it a shot... they have all the right elements in place and I think they can do better than I saw.

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139 Endicott St
Danvers, MA 01923
(978) 774-3683

Market Basket  

Category: Grocery

5 star rating
 10/26/2009  
I've given this Market Basket a 5-star because I've not ventured into the minutiae like waiting at the meat/fish counter or venturing in during busiest hours etc so I don't think it's fair to give it anything less.  Truth is, I've been totally happy every time I've been here.

The main reason I go here is for the damn awesome dinners.  

I don't know about you but if I can get a whopping portion of pork, turkey or chicken, w/stuffing, mashed potatoes and corn, plus a roll and gravy for $5.99 then I'm pretty damn happy.  

Each day is a new dinner special but EVERY day there is a turkey dinner special.

It's all made fresh that day.

They also have $1.29 hot dogs.  Jalapeno poppers, spicy wings and so much more in the prepared food area that I'm just amazed I never knew this before....

...what's more is that anyone I tell ends up raving about it, too.  The value is just incredible.

As far as the typical shopping stuff goes, that's gonna have to be someone else's job to review.  I like my stuff made for me. ;)  Just try it once, you'll understand after that. ;)

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448 Beacon Street
Boston, MA 02115
(617) 266-9500

Church of Scientology of Boston  

Category: Religious Organizations
Neighborhood: Back Bay

1 star rating
 10/23/2009  
Everything you need to know about the Church of Scientology can be found starting right here:

Mark Bunker's XenuTV.Com
http://www.xenutv.com/...

This is the video page:
http://www.xenutv.com/...

And this is one of the most amazing set of videos I've seen of these creeps yet:

http://www.xenutv.com/...

Stay away.  Opponents are careful not to oppose Scientology, "the religion", but rather their administrative practices and the ways in which they recruit and "retain" people... more can be found on YouTube.

Sorry if I've "enturbulated" anyone...

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11 Tolland Tpke
Manchester, CT 06042
(860) 432-9888

CIty Joe's  

Categories: Burgers, Hot Dogs

3 star rating
 10/22/2009   First to Review
I really wanna say something great about this place because I just naturally love burgers and dogs but, honestly, there was nothing spectacular about this experience.  It wasn't like a Fred's Franks, which you can also find in my reviews.

I ordered a chili, a double burger w/Gorgonzola cheese and roasted garlic mayo, and sweet potato fries.

1. The chili was good but a bit pricey for the size.  I wish it was just a tad thicker and maybe had some beans in it but it was still pretty good, anyways.

2. The burger was pretty decent.  You know, not "Whoa!"-like memorable but it was hearty enough to keep me from wanting to visit another burger joint right after.  The G-cheese and G-mayo were a nice combo and they have all kinds of other combos you can choose to make your own neat little burger.

Main thing, though, I was glad it wasn't greasy.

3. Sweet potato fries -- AGAIN... nothing spectacular but tasty enough to do the trick.

4.  Hot Dog - my brother got the dog.  I can't speak about the dog directly but I saw it and I'm a pretty damn good judge of hot dogs in all respects and by the looks, and my brothers reaction, it, too, was just a "get the job done", middle-of-the-road dog.

The area inside is spacious and, like a lot of mid-priced burger/dog joints, not there as eye-candy but just there to give you a place to park your fanny as you jam your piehole full of meat.

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50 Memorial Rd
West Hartford, CT 06107
(860) 236-8400

The Counter - Custom Built Burgers  

Category: Burgers

4 star rating
 10/22/2009  
I enjoy writing funny reviews but there's nothing funny about enjoying your experience so if you want to laugh, you're gonna have to follow my reviews and wait 'til I'm disappointed again. :(

Anyways, I was brought here by people who know the area.  They are from Manchester, CT, so going to W Hartford was like going from Harlem to OZ.... I took a short nap and next thing I know I'm in a land where nicely dressed people are eating and laughing and in no fear of being robbed.

It was nice.  Really. ;)

So, to skip the "let's pretend I'm a real, professional restaurant/food critic" display, I'm gonna distill it down for you into a couple of the most important points:

1. Clean.  Very clean.  Shiny clean.  I'd eat off the floor clean.
2.  Very cool beer selection.  If you're a beer aficionado then, please, don't take this point to heart.  For the avg person, the beer selection is awesome and beyond adequate... can you say, "Chimay?"
3. Build your own burger.  Ayayaya, some people are so hard to please but I think the build your own burger thing is just plain awesome for a control freak like me.  Since I hate filling my stomach up with useless 10 cent buns (excl, of course, their honey wheat bun), I appreciated even being able to build mine in a BOWL.  But, they've got plenty of choices to keep your mouth salivating;
4. Clean bathroom -- don't kid yourself... it's the hallmark of a great establishment;
5. I can appreciate those who think this is a tad pricey but it's a clean, comfy place where you can loosen your bullet-proof vest so $9.95 for a 1/3 DIY burger (only $2 more for a 2/3 burger), is well worth it in my book.  As for the waitstaff, yada yada.. .cute, sweet, friendly, did what they were supposed to...

Parking can be a slight challenge but with obesity on the rise, a one block walk to a burger joint should actually be a legal mandate!

Ok, so a positive review can be funny.  Well, I laughed... a little.

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2 Main St
Manchester, CT 06040
(860) 643-7111

Farr's  

Categories: Bikes, Outdoor Gear

5 star rating
 8/31/2009   First to Review
Last of the old-time family-business style sporting goods stores.  When you live in suburbia and spend time in the city, you start to get a little sick of big sporting outfits w/lackluster help staff.  In fact, people born in the last decade or two probably don't have any concept of a privately owned sporting goods outlet.

Anyways, I only went to Farr's for fishing gear and found everything I needed.  What was most important was that there was always someone there who knew what was hitting, and what was missing, that week so, being an out of towner, I didnt waste time and money buying things that weren't working at the time.

They have several kinds of worms from medium-to-large Canadian nightcrawlers, to red wigglers and meal worms.  Plus they also have shiners and a few other things.

It's also relevant that they happen to be the only place around for miles that has decent selection and knowledgeable staff.

If you need outdoor camping, fishing, biking etc, type stuff, give Farr's a call and ask them if they have what you want.  I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how friendly and helpful they can be.

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737 N Main St
Norwich, CT 06360
(860) 204-9505

Dunkin' Donuts  

Categories: Donuts, Coffee & Tea

3 star rating
 8/31/2009   First to Review
You know you're in Deliveranceville when you've driven more than a mile through the center of town and haven't seen a Dunkin Donuts.  Well, I was just about to categorize this town as such until, just around the bend, appeared that wonderfully familiar sign that represents ice cold coffee and decadent donuts and muffins.

But this didn't mean it still wasn't "the sticks".... I mean, I'd always wondered what they did with the bathroom fixtures whenever they modernized a bunch of Dunkin Donuts bathrooms... well, now I know.. .they ship them to the Dunks in the backwoods towns.

You know how most have low-flow water faucets now?  Well, this one hit the porcelain and shot back up and hit my face.  Electronic towel rationing machine?  Nope... pump the handle, like you're at the well, pumping for water.  I could go on but I don't want to skeeve you out.

Otherwise, this place was fine.  The people were friendly and cool.  It just felt like it was in a town where the Dunkin Donuts was the first major upgrade in the last 90 years.

In other words, I'm not advocating it, but,... if you need to pee, and you can't make it to the Dunks bathroom... anywhere outdoors would probably be juuuuuuust fine....

That's where you are.  That's what it's like.  

And don't forget to bring your fishing pole.

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RR 2
Ledyard, CT 06339
(860) 312-3000

Two Trees Inn  

Category: Casinos

4 star rating
 8/31/2009   First to Review
Most people think of Foxwoods as just "Foxwoods"... you go there to gamble, eat, see a few shows and the hotels (4 now) seem just secondary, a place to lay your head in between trips into decadence.  Yet specific settings, etc, can really make the difference between a fun stay and a GREAT stay.

While the Cedars and the Grand Pequot are more plush, Two Trees Inn has a more rustic feel to it.  It's set about 3-4 minute bus ride from the casinos (they provide buses every 5-10 min) and feels more like a small fishing lodge.  

It's pretty straightforward, the front entrance has a porch going the width of the front with tables and chairs to sit on and relax.  Inside, there are 2 rooms... one with a TV, across from the check-in, and another further back without TV and people can hang out and use the free wifi as long as they please.

They also serve free coffee during the late night hours.

I was pleased with the rooms.  I was in an upgrade w/a king size bed and, being summer, the AC was plenty cool.  The rooms came with a nice 2-day coffee setup and some really nice soaps, shampoo, mouthwash, etc.  With everything possible being from recycled materials.

The upgrade had a nice ante-room with a couch, coffee table, fridge and TV in an armoire.  The bed was firm and comfy.  It was all very enjoyable.   I didn't ask for non-smoking and I could tell this was a smokers room but it wasn't overbearing but if you're particular about smoke smell, make sure to get a non-smoking room.

The counter staff was friendly and answered all my questions.  The only reason I gave this 4 stars is because the only free wifi is found in the 2 common areas near check-in and the solarium near the pool where you'll be dripping with sweat for the fact it feels like a sauna just outside the pool area.

If you want internet in the room, it is DIAL-UP ONLY.  I was told you have to unplug the phone... plug in your computer and leave a $100 bill at the front desk.

I know Two Trees Inn is supposed to have that rustic feel but in today's internet age, there's no excuse why, at $149+ per night hotel room shouldn't have wifi internet access for the private enjoyment of their patrons.

ps. There's also a nice 2-3 mile hiking trail that goes out to a beautiful Lantern Hill Pond.  Check it out on the web, you'll be impressed with the history.

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129 Compliments

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    haha. thanks Eric. Sorry for the late reply, I dont use yelp as much… More »

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    What's his name?  I'm always watching poker when it's on, it will be nice… More »

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    you bet, Eric.

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