Jonathan "El Pollo Guapo" H.'s Profile

"Sip, chew, read"
Read to the tune of "Row your boat"

Sip, sip, sip your tea slowly as you read,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, order a bagel and cream.
Chew, chew, chew your cake, tasty as can be,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, baked for all to see.
Read, read, read your book, here from page to page,
Merrily, merrily, merrily all may sit, no matter what your age.

"Chirp, chirp, chirp!" the birds, pecking at your feet,
lazily, lazily, lazily, observe them from your seat.

My love affair with Bertrand is really just part of a bigger picture: my love affair with tailored clothing. The difference between a Haines tank top and a bespoke 120 thread-count worsted wool suit is not a matter of function; it's a matter of form. It's a matter of how it makes you feel, how you carry yourself when you're in your element.

The difference between other restaurants in San Diego and Bertrand is the difference between a snail sliming its way across the parking lot, and escargot. It's the difference between butter in a plastic wrapping and creamy, freshly churned cow's butter. It's the difference between peas and capers. The difference is "how" not "what."

Bertrand is a place to experience your evening, to share it, with whomever you're dining with. You should spend a few hours here, first eating your several courses with the suggested wine pairings from a table inside, drinking in the lovely San Diego skyline. Then enjoy a sweet dessert like the crème brûlée with a petite port. Watch the sun slip behind the slopes of Coronado, and walk to the balcony area and take a photo.

I love Bertrand because of what it is, and because of the people inside -- both the magnificent service personnel as well as the people dining here. Everyone respects one another. Everyone dresses well, not because they have to, but because it is a courtesy to fellow patrons. True, a tank top and a suit are both just pieces of cloth at the end of the day, but if it was your time to shine, to show the world the best you have to offer, would you go a step above the rest? Bertrand does.

Burlap embraces its trendiness by capturing the most minute details of its "East Meats West" concept in what truly can be described as "fusion." Sister restaurant Seersucker lacked this relationship between concept and reality -- I yearned for the decor to be as memorable as the pork butt. Thankfully, Burlap has mended this seam.

I shouldn't dwell much on describing the food -- complex and delicious as it was -- because I have only attended the soft opening and its fixed menu. However, volumes can be spoken about what is simultaneously beautiful and interesting: the decor. Huge Midwestern wooden furnishings rest harmoniously beside rows of Chinese dragon lanterns. We drink in the reds and yellows, admiring the rough woods and soft woods of the thoughtfully hodgepodge dining sets. The whole place seems like it was plucked up from a novel and placed into the corner of this Del Mar shopping center, with its bamboo walls sheltering it from the harsh, boring world around it.

I cannot wait to return and try the official menu, now that opening day has passed and the kitchen has worked out its kinks. I will be sure to update!

Other people eating here need to chill out with all the negativity. Yea, the staff speaks Cantonese exclusively and you must order by number or you'll get a funnel cake instead of a hamburger, but maybe you should've read the signs? There are signs all over the place in here: "Don't talk loudly," "Order by number only," "No refunds after order is placed," "No public restroom." It's a hole-in-the-wall place! It's not Mille Fleurs or the Addison or something! Relax!

I don't care about all that. I wanted a turkey burger. With no bun. And no sauce. And I got a turkey burger, exactly how I wanted it, for like $6. While I ate, I got to see the most spectacular array of muffin tops and tank tops in all of Belmont Park as the finest, most well-fed Americans slowly waddled by the restaurant windows with spray-on tattoos adorning their lower backs and funnel cake splattered on their faces.

Family Style Dining. These three words practically taunted my hunger. Could I order four entrees, enough for four (alleged) families? Challenge accepted! Still, I underestimated the nearly 250 items on this menu and the warnings of portion size. I sit here now with a swollen belly and meat sweats.

It was fourth of July, and nothing else was open. This fact did not prevent us from having hangovers that needed nursing. We entered the completely empty restaurant; there wasn't a soul in sight. We sat down and eventually someone from the back noticed us and brought water and tea.

We flipped through the menu and I saw many things I liked. Too many. I ordered them all. I ordered so much that I had to finish some plates to make room for the rest of my order. The chef gave us a complimentary seaweed and cabbage salad. It was bomb. The kung pao chicken was excellent. The pork wraps were delish. The dumplings were scrumptious. The squid was perfect: not too tough, not too soft. The beef noodle was mouthwateringly tender.

And they served me all these plates with the big family size serving spoons. When will they learn?

A night at RA:

Music: *unce unce unce*

Me: How's your food?

*unce unce unce*

Friend: What?! I can't hear you!

*unce unce unce*

Me: What? You like canned goo?

*unce unce do do do do unce unce*

Friend: It's really great!

*unce unce unce*

---

RA is pretty loud. And busy. And dimly lit. It must be a club, right? Haha April Fool's! It's a sushi restaurant!

Fact: the house music, line at the door, and V-neck t-shirts make RA *seem* like a club, but you can actually sit here, eat here, and the happy hour drink specials here are about half the price of club drinks! The sushi looks really good, but it doesn't taste as good as it looks. Still, it tastes better than Sushi Deli, for a price. You end up waiting the same amount of time for a seat at RA for dinner that you do at Sushi Deli for lunch.

*unce unce unce*

Barbra Streisand

Remember Jodie Foster's character in Contact? She finishes her space journey, lands on the beach beneath a blanket of perfect stars, and weakly proclaims, "No... words..."

Well, I had this same issue for a long time after coming to Currant over and over again for lunch, dinner, happy hour... I don't think it's possible for me to truly capture in words how many dimensions of excellence comprise Currant without sounding like a paid advertisement. With that in mind, I'm going to try to tell you what Currant is all about.

Currant is about service. It is fantastic, and borderline preternatural. Californians are notorious for not staying on top of my empty water glass, but Currant is always there, refilling before it even reaches half. They even have several different choices of what kind of water you want. The staff is so respectful and professional I feel like a dignitary.

Currant is about style. I most enjoy eating out on the patio for lunch, with the flower boxes and crisp white tablecloths somehow creating a quiet sanctuary from the noisy dirty mess of downtown SD. Its proximity to the courthouse makes for great people watching while enjoying gourmet popcorn and a bison burger.

Currant is about complex flavor. Do you like popcorn? Try gourmet popcorn. It varies between salsa, bacon, and rosemary. The bison burger is heaven in your mouth, and the souffle more of the same. I don't want to spoil your first experiences with anything else off the menu in fear of creating too much buildup. Still, I can say the menu is delicious, having personally tried every single item on it.

Currant is about fair pricing. Maybe you're eating lunch on jury duty enjoying the 10% jury duty discount. Maybe you're casually spending your afternoon at happy hour with a free gourmet popcorn with your Yelp check-in. Perhaps you're digging into a complimentary souffle with your table of two guests or more.

All things considered, I hope you're definitely floating through life with $9 absinthe on Fridays. Perhaps you'll experience an absinthe episode much like Jodie Foster did when making first contact with an alien race.

Fitted hat or white upside-down visor. Check.
White Oakley sunglasses at night. Check.
White chunky ceramic PacSun watch. Check.
White Volcom belt. Check.
Bright green Polo shirt purposely half tucked in over the belt. Check.
Flannel Abercrombie or Old Navy cargo shorts. Check.
Flip-flops or sockless Sanuk loafers. Check.
Weed scent. Check.

Captain, we are in PB.

Year-round Christmas lights, pale pitchers of beer, and bright blue AMFs are all you'll want to remember after the goggles come on and the lights go off. You definitely won't want to remember the person you bought the AMF or pitcher of beer for.

If you want to be extra cool, drive a faded blue beat up Volkswagen beetle from the 1970s with seats that used to be colored cream and seat belts that were added later and are still there for decoration. Place the surf board you don't know how to use but think looks legit on the roof so people know you're serious.

If you're deciding whether to have children, SeaWorld may push you a few steps toward the "Bad decision" category. Today I saw a child running around in its underwear without parents. Another child almost got trampled to death when it ran in front of me. A dad walked directly in front of me while I was photographing a polar bear, completely without concern for social boundaries and without consideration for his fellow man whatsoever.

Look no further if you're interested in what is causing obesity in America. You can choose from funnel cake, funnel cake with ice cream, funnel cake with cherry syrup, or funnel cake with ice cream, cherry syrup and powdered sugar combined to make a heart attack on a plate all for just $8.99!

The animals were really cool, especially the arctic exhibit with the belugas, small dolphins and polar bears. There is real ice and the temperature is controlled to 55 degrees. There is a replica of the stranded wooden ship from a past Antarctic expedition and you can ride a simulated airplane across the frozen wastes.

I want SeaWorld to have an "after dark" type thing where adults can go and enjoy the exhibits without thousands of wild children frolicking past the dolphin tank, narrowly avoiding drowning or becoming Flipper's dinner.

It seems like there is a lot of debate and confusion in these reviews about Aroma Cafe. It's a great place, but I can definitely understand the ambiguity. I've broken it down logically here putting future eaters at ease and calming the concerns of customers past.

The mixed reviews are explained simply with the "Grace/Hayley Continuum" (Figure 1) and experiences can be unpredictably modified by the "Susan Variable" (Figure 2). The "Flavor Factor" remains constant in all scenarios (as does the "Humus Quantity"). In other words, service is the sole deciding factor at Aroma. See the figures below.

(Figure 1) Star rating based on server
-------------------------------------------------- -
5                                                      x      Hayley
                                                                  /^\
4                                           x                    []
                                                                   []
3                                x                               []
                                                                   []
2                     x                                          []
                                                                   \/
1         x                                                  Grace
-------------------------------------------------- --

(Figure 2) Star rating based on Susan
-------------------------------------------------- --
5                                                      x     Susan
                                                                  /^\
4                                           x                    []
                                                                   []
3                                x                               []
                                                                   []
2                     x                                          []
                                                                   \/
1         x                                                  No Susan
-------------------------------------------------- --

In conclusion, the more Susan is around the better because she is great. The less she is around the more unpredictable your dining. However, this uncertainty can be reduced if Hayley is your server because she is attentive and entertaining.