Bobby M.'s Profile

They ruined my best friends wedding.

I CANCELLED NETFLIX FOR YOU, VIDEOLOGY.
Can you handle that commitment so soon?

It seems like the main gripe people have with this place is that it's too clean and modern.  I used to go to Kim's up near Columbia (before I moved), so I guess I understand how that one had a more "indie" (I feel lame typing that) sensibility.

But, seriously folks.  Do you go to your video store because you want it to be a dive bar or do you go because you want a video?

I've only gone there for blu rays because I'm addicted to that shit right now.  And their selection is pretty great.   You can  also buy store credit and save a few bucks.  And they have a nice return policy (if you return your video earlier, you get store credit)  The prices are okay I suppose, I seem to remember Kim's being cheaper.  OH YEAH!  They also have a cool website that allows you to see what's checked out AND they fuckin deliver!  C'mon!

Anyways, everyone who has worked there has been really pleasant.  But, the place truly won me over last night:

Me and my friend were renting "DeathRace" on blu ray.  I jokingly commented, "Yknow I usually rent classy movies."  (NOT TRUE)  The girl at the counter looked at her computer, saw my previous rentals, then shook her head to my friend, "not true".    To which I decried(?), "But, I rented Baraka the first time I came here!"

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is they have a sense of humor and they aren't snobs.  The girl at the counter last night was especially awesome.  I want to be her friend.

Do I get that from Blockbuster?  Fuck no!  I don't wanna be anyones friends there!  Nope.  Not anyone.  Not a one!

BONUS FUN GAME:
Try to rent something really arty the first time you go there, y'know to come off like you're a real serious type.  Then, start renting total crap.  It's fun!

Holy shit.

I've only been to one other massage place: Super Happy Fingers up on 80th and Columbus.  And while you have to love that name, this place kinda blows it away.

But, lets back the train up here.  You may be thinking:

"Bobby...a massage really?"

I think it's no surprise that if you live in NYC and you're a workaholic...you're gonna need a massage or something, anything, to relieve all that stress.  I've noticed that after a month or so, I get so much tension in my shoulders that it leaves me a bit agitated, sore, and even more tired than usual.

ENTER THE MASSAGE!!!!!!

When I arrived, I was given a sheet in the waiting room.  It said something like, "Massage may cause soreness and bruising"   I signed it, thinking, "WHATEVER!"

Now, I read the reviews here prior and I had the sheet in my hand saying that they played rough.  And so, CALL ME CURIOUS, I had to know what it was like:

To get it rough.

And brother, I got it rough.  In fact, May, the lady giving me the massage, stopped three times and whispered, "too hard?"  I gritted through my teeth and replied, "no."  Call it dumb.  But, once I was face down on that table, I told myself: "GO HARD OR GO HOME."  Y'know what I mean?

Y'know?

Y'know what I mean?

If you're a masochist, this place is for you.  As the massage slowly becomes an exercise in dealing with pain.  But, y'know what?  They know what they're doing.  Because I could feel May attacking several knots in my upper back.  I mean, just going to town on it, in a way no other human being has.  It was so intense that I sometimes felt the need to "tap out" or say "hold on, give me a moment here."  But, I kept at it.

When it was all over: I was completely out of it.  Kind of goofy really.  (And I'm goofy usually so I was REALLY GOOFY.)  Unfortunately, I was meeting a friend I hadn't seen in a long time after and I was forced to have a few drinks (forced..really?), so I can't speak on how much of a "hangover" feeling the massage gives you....as it could be from a real hangover.

But, it seems most people who have reviewed this place talk about the "massage hangover" and I'm sure it exists.

Today I woke up with bruises all over my back.

I mean, serious looking bruises.  The jury's still out before I give this the full 5 stars...but, it's looking promising.  It's one of those places you want to reccomend, but it's also painful...so be advised.  I'm sure you can tell them to go easy, go soft, from the get go and it won't be so bad OR you may end up with someone who isn't as painful as my dear pal, May.  

But, if you think this is a walk in the park.
I got the bruises to prove you wrong.

BONUS FUN GAME:
After the massage and you enter "the goofball stage" of the experience.  Try not to hug everyone you meet.  Especially the massage lady.  I know.  I know.  You just want to give her a big hug for beating the shit out of you.  But, hold on.  HOLD ON!  DON'T DO IT!   (it'll just be awkward)

I could have loved you, Atlas Cafe.
GOD, I could have loved you.
So.
So.
Much.

But, you wouldn't let me in.  Nope.  You had to put up your walls.  But, maybe that's why I'm so crazy about you.

I just moved to Williamsburg and one day I decided to find a nice writing spot to drink tea and finish a screenplay.  (I'm so predictable!)  I had read some reviews on here, more particularly Hilary W.'s review and thought, "GOLLY, a bunch of people writing...that's RIGHT UP MY ALLEY!"

So, I decided to stop in.

And there it was.  A beautiful table facing the window.  Dear Lord, was it a sight to be hold.  I think.  Maybe.  I had a little bit of an orgasm when I saw it.  "Bobby", I thought.  "Bobby, lad.  You really struck GOLD!"

But, alas.

That shit was FOOL'S GOLD!

As I ordered a cup, no fuck that, a POT of glorious loose leaf tea.  I began to eye up the table.

"TABLE IS FOR EATING ONLY, NOT WORKING."

"Fuck me!" I proclaimed inside myself.  I looked around the Atlas Cafe.  And this is when I entered the Twilight Zone.  It was packed.  Over the top packed.  So, packed that Rod Serling would have been like, "Fuck this.  I'm out."   I turned to the man working the counter...

"Gee, you guys seem full.  Can I sit by this bar area and read till it frees up."

"If I let you sit there, I gotta let everyone sit there."

"Oh. Okay."

"Should I go through with the tea?" he said.

I looked around at the crowd of people and told him sadly, "No, that's okay.  I'll just come back another time."

He replied, "It's not that I don't want you to be here."

(I'm thinking...BRO.  I know.  I know you have no choice.)

I said, "it's okay.  Everything.  Will be.  OKAY."

And I left.

I tried to find another cafe in a sea of cafes.  And I got frustrated.  I decided that I would just make my own damn tea and write at home.

But, one day.  One day when I have the courage and strength.  I will return to you, Atlas Cafe.

One day, I will hold you in my arms.  

And I'll have a lot of sex with you.

BONUS FUN GAME:  Try getting a fucking seat in this joint.  Heyo!

Well.  I was the first one to review this fine store.  And now it brings me great sadness to see it go bye byes.

I went to check out the store on it's last day, y'know...for old times sake.  But, they closed it early and all I saw was it's front door with the lights turned off inside.

Goodbye Kim's.

Goodbye lover.

Welcome to my review of Alice's Tea Cup.

It's 2am as I type this.

Outside my window a cat is either:

* Having Sex
* Dying a Miserable Death

Sorry.  I was a bit distracted there.

Back to my review of Alice's Tea Cup.

Can I just say something?  I love tea.  I mean.  For chrissakes, I LOVE TEA!   And so, last year I went on a first date here.  I figured it would be funny to go to an Alice in Wonderland themed tea shop.  

Brother, I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

This place is definitely tailored to children.  It's also really busy.  And it's just...well...

Dudes shouldn't take dates here.  

Also: Nothing about the food or the tea seemed that memorable.  

Oh.  There goes that cat again.

It's kinda like this weird...other worldly moaning sound.

I hope that cat's alright.

Maybe that cat's REALLY alright.  If you know what I mean.

Hmmm...

I have nothing more to say about this tea cup business.

BONUS FUN GAME:  BROS (and I use "bros" because I'm totally just one of the guys, yknow?) when you do take a date here AGAINST MY ADVICE.  Just remember to awkwardly joke about how you didn't know it would be "this intensely alice in wonderland themed".

FUCK THIS VENUE!

Seriously.  I saw Daniel Johnston there the other night.  After previously seeing him the night before at the Warsaw (which I love by the way).

This might be the venue for you if you like:

- Overpriced drinks.

- Douche Bag Employees
(Seriously, mid way through Daniel's set...they pass around giant tupperwear containers atop the crowd, looking for beer bottles to collect.  THEY DID THIS DURING THE SHOW!  Bottles clanking around and everything!)

- Did I mention the douche bag employees?
(There's no reason that the bar people should be going around in the middle of the concert asking if you want a drink.  What the fuck is this?)

- Over the top, annoying light show and fog machine.
(If anyone knows Daniel Johnston's music they know it's stripped down, bare-bones music.  When Daniel sung one of his more intimate songs, I kid you not, they pumped out a huge shit load of fog onto the stage.  It was ridiculous!)

HOWEVER if you like that and a faux air of hipness, definitely check out this new venue!

BONUS FUN GAME:  With a friend, try counting the number of douche bags working at this place!  It's fun!

RESPONSE REVIEW:

I am responding to Mr. Sam P's idea that one must not "yelp angry".

Dear Sam,

YELPING ANGRY IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO.

I'm so angry I feel like mispelling shit!

Lookk!! jlkafjsadf!!!  What the FLKJE!!

** END RESPONSE REVIEW **

I am entitling this review:
"THE BATTLE FOR MAD MEX"

Thanks.

Anyways, moving along:

I haven't been here in 2 years or so.  I lived in Philadelphia while I was an undergrad at Drexel and towards the end of my stay would frequent this place for it's awesome margarita specials and half price late night food special.  (Not sure if they still have that.)

BUT, then things took a turn for the worse folks.

On the night of my graduation, me and some friends went there.  But, we were served by a waitress, who'll I'll call here: Megabitch.

Y'see Megabitch had some problems.  Maybe she had issues back home.  Or maybe.  Just maybe: She was a Megabitch, plain and simple.  

The thing is Megabitch seemed to have forgot about serving us.  Giving us the wrong food.  Not checking up on us for more drinks.   And just having a snotty, "megabitch" attitude.

Not being a pushover.  I decided to not leave a tip..  And neither did my friends.  Of course, as we walked out of the place we had that giddy, "Oh shit!  We left no tip!  What's gonna' happen" feeling.  Of course moments after we left, bitchface (I just changed her name) came out screaming, "You didn't leave a tip!"  

And like the real men we are: We ran.

I've never been back there.  But, if megabitch is still around.  I got something to say.

Hey what's up?

BONUS FUN GAME:  Find MegaBitch (or Bitchface if you like) and take all her money.  Then follow her around outside her home and yell, "I GOT ALL YOUR MONEY!" in a similar tone she used when saying, "YOU DIDNT LEAVE A TIP!"

This is a very chill place located near another bar called, Soundz.  Soundz makes me want to kill myself.  Whereas Toast makes me want to sing.

Yes, Toast has great food, a decent selection of beers at an average New York price tag and a friendly staff.  I've never had a bad time here.  And have ordered many dishes from the burgers to the pasta.

BONUS FUN GAME:  Leave toast with a beer and some food you bought in hand.  Then peer into Soundz's window and yell: "THIS PLACE IS BETTER THAN YOU!" while pointing to your food and drink.  Then, later, puke on their window and write in said puke, "YOU GUYS ARE HORRIBLE."  I hear they love it.