David "The Worst Man" P.'s Profile

One morning I awoke by Lake Merritt surrounded by dozens of cans of 4Loko (original blend, Lemonade flavour). I was also surrounded by curious geese, picking at the remains of the caffeinated malt liquor, and also my crotch.  

Suffice it to say I had a fairly ghastly and confusing morning, so I headed to the nearest establishment-the Lake Merritt Bakery! Memories of late post-parkway food fests filling my fuzzy head I eagerly awaited a delicious bacon sandwich and fries to assuage the knifelike pounding in my head and twisting knots inside my empty and ravenous belly.

I staggered into this iconic establishment and avoided the siren call of their pies and was seated rather quickly. I covered my head from the glare of the lights with a handy copy of the East Bay Express.

My meal arrived with the usual water-diner coffee. A BLT, honest as it they come, mayo and crispy thick bacon. Fries, decent enough and dippable in mayo and ketchup (this is the proper way to eat french fries btw, I learned it form the Quebecois) I ate and my pain somewhat subsided. They also have the frilly toothpicks and pickles on the side-a nice touch!

Then my bill came...ahhhhhhhhhhhhh with tip it was like almost twenty bucks for coffee and a generic BLT and fries, what in the god hell agghghghg.

I was about to make a run for it but a local police officer was giving me dirty looks and was patting his stun gun. Maybe he was hitting on me, I am not sure. But then I figured I should pay my bill and run like hell. And so I did.

PROTIP: Their pies are pretty great and get a star.

PROTIP 2: Pie is way better than cake. If you like cake more than pie you are a scrub.

I love Fat Jake's. I know it takes some knocks but where else can you go where you will randomly meet old friends and get drinks for a decent price? And there is pool and dancing. And real bar food!

Jake's is a place where where men are men, women are women, and everyone joins together to fight off rampaging Lava Men. Let me explain.

I was visiting Northern New York a few weeks back and was staying with my parents near Titus Mountain. When the fam was asleep I was still on California time...what to do? Thankfully there was Fat Jakes!

I have a love- a dirty, dirty love- of Labatt's Blue which the rad bartender was able to fulfill!  I am really terrible at pool, but found that I have a talent for screwing up everyone's game. Not too shabby I guess?

But the deck. Oh, the lovely deck. I got to hang out and smoke at a bar. I GET TO SMOKE AT A BAR! It's such a novelty nowadays. Old friends and high school crushes bumped into me and I had  a lovely time.

The party in and out of Jake's was going so strong at 1:00 am that no one noticed the Lava Men! Giant, raging Men of Magma whose only desire is to snuff out the surface world of men. They approached the bar. I noticed a burning smell and looked out from the deck: Lava men, surrounding us! Why had they picked Malone, NY as their first conquest????

I had no time to wonder. With a shout I alerted the other patrons to the presence of the Magma Monstrosities.I guess a lot has changed since I lived in NNY because the bouncer just smirked and handed out fire extinguishers from a hidden back room.

"Ever since they finished the Supermax these damn things keep trying to burn the town down. " he explained to me as he handed me a chemical retardant extinguisher. it felt heavy in my hands "Don't know what happened but they say the SuperMax prison is cursed, some kind of ancient evil was buried there. Mohawks won't go near it. They say these men emerged from nearby to help free the Ancient ones. But we ain't gonna let that happen!"

I looked up and watched the patrons line up along the deck, facing out towards the troop of Lava Men. As the Lava Men steamed their way to us, we all let loose with powerful streams of fire extinguishing goodness, causing unholy moans and screams to ripple through the ranks of the Men of Liquid Stone.

Suddenly-a massive shattering sound, as if a ten ton vase hit the ground.,Another-and another! The Lava Men were shattering, breaking apart into a crumbly mix of basalt and granite. We were winning!

As the Lava Men tore back down into the ground, a local work crew arrived to seal their subterranean hole with cement. Drinks were handed out all around and we celebrated a raucous victory of humanity over monsters.

Always an exciting time at Fat Jake's!

What a bad man. That said, he will get your stuff delivered. If you want to hire a guy with run down trucks with numerous safety violations, this is the place to go.

10 ton limit for a gravel haul? Screw that, McGraw's guys will fill it up to 15 tons. External fuel tank hanging by a rusty joint? Don't worry, he always has duct tape and bailing twine in all of his trucks for just such an emergency.

He's a crook, his drivers are methheads and or drunks, but you know what? With enough mafia connections anything can be overlooked. And since he is the cheapest guy around, I can overlook a lot myself.

Like the time I hired McGraw to fill my back yard with gravel. I waited all day for the truck to arrive, but when it did, it arrived with a bang! The truck roared through my fence and into the yard. The harsh braking tore up my grass, gravel spilling in a mini-rock Tsunami over the front and into my kid's pool.

My wife was crying, I screamed, "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!" My children had fled into the house.

Just the the back of the truck tipped back-the whole truck-and a driver waved at me wearing a bleary grin.

"Heeey here's your load!!!"

The truck, upon the rear tailpipe touching my yard, exploded into a ball of flame. Gravel rained down over my entire yard.

What at first seemed a nightmare turned into a blessing. The truck was removed as salvage and I got one thousand dollars for the scrap. The gravel had been distributed rather evenly across my back lot from the force of the explosion, much more quickly than if I had done it via shovel.

Ed McGraw still charged me three hundred dollars, but one call to the DOT changed his mind and I got a refund.

Support your local businesses I guess??

The Tool Lending Library had everything I needed for the quick disposal of sone remains I stumbled upon in my back yard! A handsaw, spade shovel to break apart that hard clay Mosswood soil, and even a pick for the especially hard bits...perfect!!!! They said they did not have bonesaws but the carbon tipped handsaw still worked quite well for the grisly work I required.

One issue even though I know it's a big demand and unreasonable...but sometimes night hours would be a big help!!!!!!!!!!! especially during my "midnight emergencies" because I would love to be able to take care of my midnight emergencies at home and help my garden's soil become more rich and fertile instead of having to take care of my problems by dumping them in the docks by Port 29 or up in the Hills in Redwood Park.

Oh and make sure you clean your tools when you return them or they get mad and sometimes police investigators show up at your home and make wild accusations at your person.

Love you tool library!!!

Cool place to do meth and bang underage hookers.

Not that I am into that, but I used to do some work with the vice squad up in Northern New York, and, well...let's just say that this place used to be our local hangout, *after* we got off the job. Now it takes up most of our jobs, and there is no way in hell we would relax here afterwards, even if we could.

Did you know that a 2002 iRoc-Z Camaro can be stripped down to its component parts in less than five minutes by a team of shirtless  thirteen year old boys? Well, it can be done. And guess where I found that little fact out?

On the weekends they have bowling!

Dipes always fresh here!

No complaints from the staff or even any dirty looks from customers as I strolled in wearing my regular Sunday morning uniform of a bib and XXL adult diapers.

I had to take away two stars because 1. they did not have any season adult-sized baby strollers as I heard from my friends in the Adult Baby Appreciation Society of Berkeley (ADASoB! Dipes up, rattles down y'al!!) and also 2. Their selection of baby food was a tad disappointing.

Do I really need organic creamed arugula baby food? Not really, but as a discerning Bay Area native I tend to expect better in general. Spoiled by Berkeley Bowl and my "mommy" and my baba I may be, but I still have to give this Walgreen props for their customer service and respect for alternative lifestyles.

Oh The Jug.

Oh, The Jug.

How can I sum this up? If you are into desperation and creeps and drinking terrible beer until you forget that you are drinking at The Jug then here you go!

One time I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. But there is no point in shooting anyone here, because they are already dead on the inside.

I guess its a cool place to drink until you die?

An incredible Happy Hour...$2.50 drinks, creative cocktails(ask for spice!!) and incredibly friendly bartender and owners. And Burmese Tapas...for five bucks?!?  

And on top of the insane deals and awesome drinks and food, they have not once mentioned or winced at my hideous deformities. This lazy-eyed hunchback loves Sapphire!!!

One time I came to Sana Market to buy cheap beer and I almost got mugged, but as the first mugger was proceeding to hold me up a second mugger came by and they started arguing over who got to mug me. I ran away and dropped my 40 of Old English :(

WHOOOOOOO!!!

Now, with that out of the way, I will tell you a personal story about the dedication to the love of comic books the staff at Doctor Comics and Mr. Games have displayed in the past.

I come in about once a week and I am a junkie. Also, I love comic books. So when I am shooting up at the top of the Piedmont Graveyard on Friday Nights, the only thing that alows me to make the trek downhill when I wake up is the thought of following my beloved heroes on their pulp adventures, and the only place that satisfies is DCMG.

So when I awake and power through my renal failure, I stagger down on a Sunday and, eyes burning, I walk into the shop and catch up on the latest issues!

Now, due to my "condition" I am often not fully aware of my surroundings. Las Sunday I walked in and grabbed a few Green Lantern comics and went up to pay with my dirty purse of change I noticed no one was at the counter!

I hear a gunshot behind me, and a scream. I spin around and the staff is taking down a masked man with a cape and a gun. The two ladies deliver swift kicks to his nuts in rapid machine-gun order. The awesomely nerdy gent rises up from behind the counter and asks me if I need anything while the boss-lady pins the perp to the ground. Stunned, I hand over my card mute and pay.

The adventures showcased throughout the comic shop mimic reality on Piedmont Ave. I have never seen such devotion and radness in dedication to may favorite nerdy hobby. That is why I will always come back.

Of course my crush an all of the adorably cute,sweet, and smart staff helps matters. Too bad I am a subhuman junkie, but their example of heroism and constant patience and understanding with my condition has inspired me to quit my habit and become a superhero.

Thank you, Dr. Comics and Mr. Games. Thank you so goddamn much.