Cam "I only run when chased" T.'s Profile

I can't help but think, "Why is it bad to steal from babies again?" while coveting the adorable plushie dinosaur conga line in this well stocked toy store.  You see, doesn't everyone need a squishy, brightly colored dino entourage trailing behind them on their best & worst days?  Think of all those mind-numbing meetings, nerve-wracking appointments, & not to mention exquisitely painful encounters of the worst kind (you know what I'm talking about) where a quick squish & snuffle are needed.  Security blankets & woobies be damned, all the cool toddlers are toting otter finger puppets cuz plushies are the new mink.  And when it's too cold & damp to brave the outdoors, that Planet Earth polar bear 1000 piece puzzle is tempting if not outright cruel--there's only so many shades of white these cataract filled eyes can discern, ya know?  Which reminds me, my fossilized B-day is coming up so let's get that dino conga line going.  Nothing like getting uncomfortably close to another decade to bring out your inner snugglebunny.  Oh & yes, they have those creepy life-like baby dolls that perform all sorts of repulsively realistic bodily functions for all your Charles Lee Ray-fueled nightmares http://www.iconsoffrig...

I'm so special that I merit my own fresh, hot, crispy, cakey doughnut whenever I ask for it, at least that's what I'd like to think.  You see, those delicious fluffy golden circular confections are made to order.  That's right.  Made-To-Order.  Yes, you'll have to wait 10-15 min after you order to get your carb fix & while the shakes may have you jonesing for sweet starch of the gods, don't worry, it's worth it.  Just make sure you pick up extra napkins to mop up the drool while you're picturing your steaming, crispy, cakey, slightly greasy slurpalicious cake doughnut freshly topped with your choice of cinnamon sugar, powdered sugar, chocoooooolate, vanilla glaze or plain jane.  At $1/divine doughnut, how can you order just one?  And apparently they care about your waistline & cardiovascular health cuz they're still only open on Sat & Sun.  So does this mean I'm only special on the weekend?  Evil b*st*rds.  Now I'm getting a complex....

You know, you really should post a review for that amazing thin crust margherita pizza we had.

      [no!  don't do it!  that place is TINY, there's only 5 tables for god's sake.  the ravening hordes will find out about it & then we'll never get to eat there again!]  Yeah, every time I think about that crispy, chewy crust, slightly sweet fresh marinara & bubbly caramelized cheese I start drooling.

Don't forget about the sharp zing from all that fresh basil!  I can't believe it's just $18 for a gigantic pie the size of a beach ball.

      [don't do it.  tell them that the basil was wilted & that you could lube up at least 3 cars with all of the oil pools from the cheese!  we'll be stuck eating Pizza Hut at this rate.  stop reviewing all the good places!!!!]  Mmmm, sharp aromatic basil.  And that luscious garlicky Caesar salad.  Who knew I liked anchovies?

Well, the fact that you couldn't really taste the anchovies probably didn't hurt.  Oh & when you write your review, don't forget about the desserts.

      [grrrrr.  why don't you open up your own Yelp account?  then you can blab about all the quaint sweet scrumptious spots to the hoi polloi.  backseat reviewer.]  Mmmm, the velvety mouthwatering tangy Meyer lemon mousse or the innovative handmade chocolates from next door?  Who knew celery salt would make peanut butter, milk chocolate & raisins taste like an awesome Ants on a Log without all that [shudder] healthy celery.

Man, those guys were so nice.  Wouldn't it be great to do the happy dance every day at work?

      [i've seen you dance, pink boy.]  More importantly, should we try the Margherita di Bufala next time?

Erm, so does bufala mean, female buffalo?  Does that mean that the places that use buffalo mozarella are milking...[gulp] boys??  

      [there's absolutely nothing wrong with a little creative wordsmithing.  just change the review to say that the pizza reminds youof Jean-Pierre Jeunet's Delicatessen.  it can't be any weirder than bufala.]  Sigh.  Okay, I'll start working on the review....

10 reasons to stay in the Hawth instead of schlepping to SE 82nd:
1.   They have mae ploy curry paste for all your hottest curry-making cravings!  (Altho, the heavy layer of dust on all the foodstuffs makes me grateful for sell-by dates.)
2.   Doesn't everyone need an engraved gourd drink bottle?
3.   Nothing says, "I loved that pink & green squirrel twinset you gave me for Christmas last year" more than a jalapeño polyester tie.
4.   Gallon-sized cans of plum sauce, cuz you never can have enough of a good thing.
5.   Ceramic tchotchkes to satisfy even the most jaded pack rat cuz doesn't Aunt Mabel need a salt & pepper shaker set shaped like a dog driving a bone car?
6.   Curried ginger strips + shrimp chips = roooooaaad triiiiiip!
7.   Who needs that tired old witch costume when you can get your very own polyester satin Chinese coolie jacket?
8.   Shelves & shelves of decorative ceramic pots for all of your asian-themed gardening needs.
9.   Stock up on your ramen supply for Snowbound 2009!
10. Um, cuz it's there?

Sometimes in my Walter Mitty-esque daydreams I'm going toe to toe with Rokusaburo Michiba while Chairman Kaga looks on & then they reveal the secret ingredient...vegemite!  Right.  Anyhoo, even your garden variety home cook needs tools of mass destruction or at least implements of confection & sometimes you don't always get what you pay for.  Sometimes you get more.  

Restaurant supply stores are a treasure trove if you're looking for durable & functional but not necessarily sexy kitchen toys.  You know, they've got a great personality & are really nice?  Like that totally utilitarian oyster knife with the plain Jane white plastic handle that's surprisingly comfortable & a mere $10 instead of that kinky black Wüsthof knife you've been ogling at Sur La Table which strangely loses its sex appeal at $50.  Or that utterly practical $4 sharpening steel that not only keeps your sharp edges true but also can double as a sai with a little finagling for your Halloween needs.  Couple that with an identical steel going for over $25 on the hipper than hip Hawth & it becomes downright seductive.  Oh & if you're starting a coven or venturing into the dicey world of cannibalism, they have stock pots large enough to cook a, well you know....

In terms of the self-service vibe, while you will need to know your way around a kitchen (read: those of you who use your oven for storage might want to keep on walking) the staff here were continually bopping by to fill orders & still would ask us if we needed help. So either I look perpetually lost or despite how busy they are, they really want to help.  Which means the next time I need to impress Chairman Kaga or Capt Hook kills off the last of the wineglasses I know where I'm going.

Much as I lurrrve the transcendant accoustics & uninterrupted sight-lines in the space age log cabin music space, your ticketing policies just...suck.  Not only does the box office only sell tickets for a show on the day of the show guaranteeing that you either have to buy your tickets online & get gouged or run the risk of the show selling out & then being gouged a lack-of-foresight-day-of-show-tax.  But the final slap in the face?  Apparently your minions are so listless that no one could be bothered to update your rambling recorded phone message from hell listing the lineup for the evening nor the show calendar webpage.  That's right, despite checking both prior to going to the show, we didn't find out until we had already schlepped ourselves there that in fact there was no show due to cancellation.  Oh, & thanks for configuring your infernal phone message so that it's impossible to speak to an actual human being.  Now that's going the extra mile.  Enjoy your lumps of coal this Xmas....

It's been 3 years & I'm still thinking about the last time my taste buds did the happy dance while snarfling down yeasty salty garlic knots & gorging on velvety epiphanous baked ziti (How else would you describe tender ziti bathed in a creamy, tangy, garlicky ricotta marinara sauce?  That's right, I'm pretty certain some minor deities were involved.).  Sigh.  Not to mention inhaling the chocolate chip & ricotta-filled cannolis from their in-house bakery.  Oh & just in case you're curious, their toothy old school deli sandwiches are nothing to sneer at either.  Sigh.  [drool]

Yup.  I'm so far gone that I'm actually contemplating a trip to Lost Wages just so I can root around in a ziti-garlic-knot-cannoli-induced haze.  I wonder if they use FedEx?  Or even better, is there anyone in Las Vegas willing to negotiate a food exchange program?  Could I interest you in some tapas http://www.yelp.com/bi... or Marine Stewardship Council certified sushi? http://www.yelp.com/bi...  How 'bout a Tom Kah cocktail? http://www.yelp.com/bi...  Don't decide now, just have your people get back to my people.  [winkwink, nudgenudge]

Apparently my monogrammed pocket protector is in the mail as I type.  I'm not sure how, but I'm pretty certain I'm even geekier now than I was in high school (Yes, I went to Science Olympiad nationals 3 years in a row.  You know, where the nerds make fun of the übernerds?)  So what brings me to this incontrovertible conclusion?  While squiring Capt Hook's cousin around PDX with the requisite stop at Powell's [insert oohs & aaahs here.] I spent 90 minutes in the philosophy section squealing over my discovery of Sartre's Existentialism is a Humanism essay, reminiscing fondly with my good buddy Epictetus, chortling over the sophist jokes in _Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar...:Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes_, & thoroughly engrossed with the infamous epistemological conflagration that was the 10 minute blowup between Karl Popper & Ludwig Wittgenstein via _Wittgenstein's Poker: The Story of a Ten-Minute Argument Between Two Great Philosophers_.  And yes, my palms are all tingly as I'm typing this.  Sigh.

How can you not love a place that reverts the jaded into giddy nerds while bypassing all that post-adolescent angst & painful self-consciousness?  And to do that in the midst of the ravening hordes of humanity on a sunny weekend?  Well that's just magic.  So let your inner nerd out every once in a while & let that silly grin take over your face while clutching a well worn copy of Descartes' Discourse in your hot little hands cuz ego cogito ergo sum, a'ight?

I'd like to say that the reason I got my B-day prezzie from Capt Hook an entire month early was for good behavior or for amazing services rendered but I'm pretty certain it's because lovely artifacts in this altar to timeless design just want to pop home with you.  Yup, that's the story I'm sticking to.  You see, those adorable cast-iron Japanese bird bottle openers started yammering in my ears as soon as I strolled by chirping that any lucky in-law or friend would just lurrrve to have them popping tops for them.  And the über-ergonomic, ultra sexy stainless steel precision scissors from Japan with their comfy squishy rubberized handle insides kept on snicketing sweet nothings to me, "Snippity snip snip.  Snipsnipsnip!"  Don't even get me started on the seductive susurrations of that adorable Missoni-esque alpaca stuffed animal working its wiles on me!  Apparently the staff also speak the same language as those sleek, tricksy design starlets cuz they were squealing & giggling just as uncontrollably as I was.

But the pièce de résistance has to be my elegant, beauuuuutiful, functional B-day prezzie http://www.yelp.com/bi...  http://www.yelp.com/bi... Now I can oooh & aaah while warding off those shadowy monsters cuz gentle warm light from a ceramic votive nightlight in the shape of sea coral is highly effective against under-the-bed-monsters.  It's a scientific fact.  I guess that means Capt Hook gets extra chocolate stout cake with ice cream on top when I blow out those candles.  Hopefully before the smoke detector reaches critical mass....http://1.bp.blogspot.c...

I'm still so full from sui kau (godzilla-sized dumplings filled with whole pieces of shrimp, ground pork & mushrooms) with squid balls (no, not that type) egg noodle soup that I swear I'm sloshing.  Yes, apparently floating eyeballs are not a wive's tale.  I suppose I really can't blame anyone but myself.  It was nothing but an act of pure, unadulterated gluttony behind that last ditch gobbling of the last delectable dumpling, mouthful chewy fresh egg noodles, toothy & slightly sweet squid ball topped with a slurpette of lush savory broth.  Why, oh why did I succumb to gastronomic greed?  Because despite the fact that the size of my pathetic stomach has embarrassingly been compared to that of a Barbie doll purse, my slavering taste buds wanted MORE.  [sigh]  Is it considered a medical emergency if a food coma lasts for longer than 12 hours?  Actually, considering the silence interspersed with slurping at the rest of the table, my partners in crime may need some medical intervention too.

So why did I withhold that elusive fifth star?  Call me a philistine but where's the roast duck noodle soup?  I don't care if you have to bust into the Audubon conservancy & instigate some fowlnapping or work out an extradition treaty with the asian BBQ shop up the street, no fifth star for you until I get my roast duck!  That & the steamed bok choy in oyster sauce were so overcooked you could eat it without your dentures (don't ask).  So cough up some roast duck & let the woohoo-ing commence.