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Review votes:
1102 Useful, 1214 Funny, and 1075 Cool
New York, NY
Yelping SinceFebruary 2008
Things I Lovetunes, the mets, the color gray, trail mix, potatoes, lambic, anything parmigiana, coasters, rollercoasters, all mah fans
Find Me InShanghai. Formerly, I was a UWS, LES, everywhere in between guy.
My HometownLong story.
When I'm Not Yelping...I'm considering doing so because my mom likes it when I do (hi mom!).
Why You Should Read My ReviewsAre you not entertained? Are you NOT entertained?! Is that not why you are here?
My Second Favorite Websitehttp://www.coovents.com, http://mistahapples.my.../
My First ConcertEarth, Wind & Fire
My Favorite MovieIf I must pick one - Casablanca. Clichéd, but it really never gets old with me..
My Last Meal On EarthSomething shitty 'cause heaven should be fully stocked with the good stuff.
Don't Tell Anyone Else But...I once used my sister's Biore nosepad thing & was AMAZED by the gunk it caught.
Current CrushMy friend's Chihuahua, Liza. She's beautiful, James Blunt style.
DateNew York, NY 10011
(212) 367-0822
Country Club - CLOSED
Category: Dance Clubs
Neighborhood: West Village
New York, NY 10002
(212) 420-9911
Welcome to the Johnson's
Category: Dive Bars
Neighborhood: Lower East Side
Translation: Welcome to the Johnson's is a shithole but they serve cheap ass drinks. This works out in your favor as a result, even though you're drinking in squalor.
So no, I don't claim to know the Johnsons or even know who the hell they are, but their drink prices will certainly make you feel welcome and you'll be tempted to sit on their plastic covered couches and watch their static-y telly as long as the alcohol flows.
New York, NY 10009
(212) 475-9001
7A
Categories: Bars, Breakfast & Brunch, Burgers
Neighborhood: East Village
(Did I mention excessive alcohol consumption impairs judgement and leads to delusional conclusions? Let it be known!)
Now I'm in grad school half a world away and go to bed by midnight sans potato skins. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!
Lyndhurst, NJ 07071
(201) 933-2220
Medieval Times & Tournament
Categories: American (Traditional), Arts & Entertainment
Holy shit.)
I don't know what it says about my personality when I decide that for my birthday I wanna go to MEDIEVAL TIMES. I mean, it was THE birthday - that's right, it was THE 21st AKA THE Very Special Birthday for Americans But Not Necessarily Anybody Else From Any Other Civilized Country.
You know what's weird 'bout the Times? The food. I was expecting crap, but I got a surprisingly decent turkey? extremely large chicken? fowl? leg (please note that the indecision regarding what type of bird it was is not a result of the food being scary and unidentifiable, it's just that I don't remember what happened - probably not the best thing to admit when writing a review, aye?). I can't comment on alcohol drinks 'cause I actually didn't have any (that was for the after-tournament) as I was so engrossed by the events unfolding before my eyes. It was miraculous. This was sword crossing like I'd never seen before. The swords would meet and touch in a clash and sparks would fly - it just felt like something I'd never felt before, some sort of strange beautiful ritual I had never known I'd be missing until I finally felt the heat emanating from the business end of a sword...
But anyways, the grand hall entrance before entering the stadium is so picturesque that I thought I was in Versailles except Medieval Times is so much better. How could that be, you ask? Why, let me direct you to the souvenir stand - why, I've never seen such an array of kitschy useless tchotchke crap in my life! (...I want it all.)
When leaving, I remember seeing a dance floor with an effing disco ball and something like Fergalicious blasting. This castle be poppin'.
4 stars though, because my knight lost. WHAT THE FUCK BLUE KNIGHT? IT'S MY FREAKIN' BIRTHDAY AND YOU PUT UP THAT PATHETIC SHOW!?!? You're lucky I'm a Mets fan and used to this feeling.
Good fun.
New York, NY 10002
(212) 226-5708
Home Sweet Home
Categories: Lounges, Dive Bars
Neighborhood: Lower East Side
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET - NIGHT
ALAN APPLES G, 20s, walks up Chrystie street on New York City's Lower East Side, flummoxed, in search of bar where OLD ROOMMATE/BEST FRIEND is.
Out of the shadows to his right, Alan sees a building front open up to reveal large chandeliers hanging over a stairwell that creeps down under street level. He notices a lone nondescript man outside. He walks up to BOUNCER,
ALAN APPLES G
Home Sweet Home?
BOUNCER
(grunts affirmatively)
Alan hands ID to Bouncer.
BOUNCER
(grunts affirmatively and jerks head towards door)
Alan takes back ID, descends down the stairs and opens door.
INT. HOME SWEET HOME BAR - NIGHT
Dusty chandeliers hang and barely illuminate a bar packed with your typical LES denizen - not the weekend out-of-towner crowd but the average Brooklynite/actual East Village/LES hipster-lite. The bar itself is far from sparkling, with multiple unnecessary tchotchkes. A stuffed owl stares at ALAN through the darkness, beckoning him closer. Squinting, he makes out his OLD ROOMMATE/BEST FRIEND and her friends by a worn couch along the side of the dungeon.
Actually, screw this. It's a Yelp review and I'm tired of writing like it's a script - basically, I ended up running into one of my college lit professors here and she asked me if I was there for opium. I thought that was pretty old school of her, like, who takes opium anymore? Turns out it's a literary magazine and they were holding some sort of shindig here. Still, pretty badass to walk into a bar, say hi to a professor who actually recognizes you and be asked if you're also there for some opium.
I can dig it.
New York, NY 10016
(212) 679-4111
Brasserie Les Halles
Category: French
Neighborhood: Flatiron
I remember Les Halles because how can you forget your first time?
I ate escargot and foie gras here for the first time ever. Drenched in garlic butter as they oughta be, those snails were tasty and tender. The foie gras appetizer was well, as fatty as I imagined it to be, but I can understand the appeal - not exactly something I'd eat every day, but I suppose a little in a blue moon could certainly add to my whole life experience.
I had a steak with fries or frites I should say. It was adequate, not bad, not particularly astounding. My mom's coq au vin was dry and as a result, not that great. I don't remember what my dad ordered. This is never good, when I can't remember foods... That means it was unremarkable - you want to be loved or be hated, 'cause at least then you get a reaction and won't be forgotten in Yelp reviews.
(This is applicable to food and to you. That's right - I dole out life lessons with my star ratings. Don't you feel enlightened?)
The restaurant itself goes for Paris bistro and is satisfactory. I recall thinking that some parts of the dining room look a bit rundown, and not in a cool chic way, but in a "you should really fix that/get that replaced" kinda way. There wasn't anything offensive, just signs of wear and tear - perhaps it looks a little less sorry at night.
Honestly though, Les Halles is good but not great, so it's kind of exactly like your REAL first time (you know - the one involving boy parts and girl parts from two separate human beings, one of them being you).
New York, NY 10012
(212) 253-7467
Corner Shop Cafe
Categories: American (New), Caterers
Neighborhood: Greenwich Village
My dad and I got out of a movie at the Angelika Film Center and headed east. Looking for a a chill place to sit down and catch up in the middle of NoHo seemed like a daunting proposition, considering the area's chock full of tourists hitting up all the shopping spots.
We then stumbled upon Corner Shop Cafe. I had tea, my pops had coffee. We sipped without being harried for a long time, engaged in a deep conversation about you know, the world around us (both near and far, from the situation in North Korea to the bevy of hipster hottie undergrad NYU girls interspersed throughout the cafe).
So it worked out famously. Subsequent visits I got the truffle mac & cheese which is pretty good - not life altering enough to exclaim, "OMG YOU HAVE TO GO OUT OF YOUR WAY SPECIFICALLY FOR THEIR MAC & CHEESE" but you know, it's definitely solid.
Would I frequent it if I lived in the area? Why I daresay I would - it's just a dependable sort of place. I wouldn't say it's underrated or overlooked, but I'd say you'd probably miss it if it were gone. So give it a shot already if you're in the 'hood.
New York, NY 10022
(800) 933-2566
New York Blood Center
Category: Health and Medical
Neighborhood: Midtown East
I did not get to choose the color of my bandage. Having said that, the bloodsucker chose to wrap me up with this totally rad purple.
I was a little disappointed as I had my eye on the dodger blue, but the bloodsucker knew what she was doing! The purple totes completed my outfit and if the Sartorialist had been walking about, he obvi would've photographed me.
Donate blood and look all sorts of sexy. What's not to like?
1 Previous Review: Hide »
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7/28/2009 First to Review
With vampire mania sweeping the nation (AND THE GLOBE!!!) thanks to HBO's True Blood and the panty-creaming phenomenon that is the Twilight books/movies, I felt a little left out.
So, in an effort to be hip with the ladies, I decided to get in on the action and see what all the fuss was about by visiting the nearest bloodsuckers I knew of - a New York City Blood Center.
Located in the Citigroup Center public plaza (which I accessed through a nondescript revolving door on the north side of 53rd street between Lex and 3rd - look for an overhanging sign), the Citigroup Blood Donor Center is located 2 levels down, easily accessible via escalator. It's not on the directory and I was confused so I had to ask a very nice security guard if he was a vampire and he told me that no he wasn't, but he knew some who lived in the basement. I should've known - makes sense to stay far away from the sun... Vampire 101, sillypants!
I waltz in and I'd never donated blood before so I had to fill out a form and register as a donor. Apparently this gets me a nifty donor card which tells me my blood type and will take 6-8 weeks. Sweet.
So I fly through the form the receptionist bloodsucker gave me and it was a simple process. I found the very light reading (as in, lighter than reading this review) involved enjoyable (questions about medications, lifestyle stuff - anything that could have messed with your vampire kool-aid).
The waiting room of the vampire den was empty, so I'm escorted quickly by a technician bloodsucker into the actual clinic room after she's done questioning me. Where the business happens was pretty standard sterile med center looking. Not scary, just kind of boring... Like, get some Color Splash With David Bromstad in here, stat!
Just as we got down to the nitty gritty the nerves start raisin' a little ruckus (what can I say? I don't particularly love needles), but I'm quickly calmed down by the very nice, attentive technician bloodsuckers. I can see why the chicks dig Edward. Everything ends up going very smoothly and fine - no howling for Buffy was necessary.
Surprisingly, visions of Robert Pattinson did not fill my head while donating my one little pint. Unsurprisingly, visions of Anna Paquin did. But yeah, just as I was saying hello to Anna, she disappeared - the process quicker than I thought it would be and when I get up, I ask the bloodsucker, "Was that it? Did I give enough or did you stop it prematurely because you could tell I was uncomfortable initially?"
She looked at me with her greedy bloodthirsty eyes and said, "What are you talking about? Of course I got what I needed!"
I sighed in relief, knowing I'd satisfied her - I could tell she wasn't faking it.
No really! She wasn't! I know because she then directed me to a seat and gave me a couple of free apple juice boxes! And free Oreos! And free oatmeal raisin cookies!
I wish I could donate blood every day!!!
-------------------- -------------------- ---------
Anyways, jokes aside, I highly recommend going to the website http://www.nybloo.../ and clicking on the Donate Blood link - there's tons of easily accessible info about the process, setting up an appointment, and pdfs available for downloading that help you determine whether or not you're eligible to donate (there's some criteria you have to meet like having to weigh 110lbs! Go grab a cheeseburger!).
Also recommended (as the nurses told me) - drink lots of fluids the day before donating (booze doesn't count, put the martini down), and prepare to hang out for a little bit after for some juice and cookies and water before leaving. The whole shebang took me about 45 minutes to an hour.
Unless you're donating platelets. Bring a magazine if you do that.
New York, NY 10001
(212) 268-8444
Tick Tock Diner
Category: Diners
Neighborhoods: Fashion District, Theater District, Hell's Kitchen
Probably the sorriest french fries I've seen coupled with sad sack service that is nowhere to be seen. Just because I'm not drunk and loud doesn't mean I should be ignored!
Then again, perhaps the drunks are onto something... That's the only way Tick Tock and its offerings could be palatable.
I wouldn't be sad if the Tick Tock flat-lined. I don't miss it at all and will fight you tooth and nail if you insist on dragging me here.
Brooklyn, NY 11224
(718) 302-6464
Barcade
Categories: Bars, Arcades
Neighborhood: Williamsburg - South Side
"Hey baby, put your wallet away - I'm buyin' your game, you're with a real man tonight! *swing around a bag of quarters*"
"Hey baby, I love the way you work that joystick..."
These are all stupendously clever lines I hope to hear at Barcade but never do because people aren't skeezy in this joint, they're just here to get down and dirty with a good ole arcade game. Don't hate - embrace the nerd within!
Barcade's just a good time, even if you don't grab a joystick (granted it just feels so much better if you do). People bring their dogs in, there's a great booze selection (beers for dayssss) and beef jerky is available for purchase at the bar. Basically all you would ever need. Ever.
And at the entrance is a very nifty mosaic of beer bottle caps. It like, inspires me to drink massive amounts of alcohol, because massive drinking results in fantastic works of art and I want in on that action.
10 Lists
Fire hydrant: Dog; Country Club: Me
Translation: I want to pee on this place because I hate rude door people/list holders on power trips. And inside I still wanted to pee on the place in an attempt to extinguish the lameness inside. The DJ in the basement was pretty good, I'll give it that, but the crowd asides from my friends made me leg twitch.
Anyways, you can take my word for it or tell me to go get my bladder checked?