mike "mikelite" l.'s Profile

before I get into this review, let me preface by saying the food was amazing. Good, got that out of the way.

Service was...HORRENDOUS. We were ignored when walked in the door, sat down, when we put down the menus, got our food, when we were waiting for the check - you get the idea. Service was...shit, I already said it was bad. Yeah, it was bad. There was one nice dude, but the rest of the family can go suck my samosa.

Frankly, TNB is just another good-but-nothing-special pizza joint that is the lifeblood of our borough. If I was judging them strictly on food, I'd throw a few more extra stars up there.

The reason I'm going with a mere one star is because the owners refuse to allow tips for the delivery guys to be put on a credit card. They accept credit cards for food, but won't let you put tips on the card. In fact, they lie to the guys & tell them "the machine doesn't accept tips on the card." If I'm paying with a card, it's because I don't have any cash. So, now I feel like a dick. That's bullshit. These guys are working for bubkis, doing a job you obviously won't do yourself & you won't even give them their tip money? Turns out you're the dick.

Assholes, this isn't midtown! $2.50 for a slice of plain cheese pizza is a crime against humanity. Call the people at the Hague, because a slice of pepperoni will set you back $3.25. I don't wear black socks & sandals, nor do I wear my camera strapped around my neck. I live around the corner, is there a non-tourist price? This is decent, regular, average, run of the mill floppy slices. This isn't DiFara's where their ingredients come from italy - all this shit comes from cans!

I'm calling Marty Markowitz, bec. these facist, socialist, greedy, fat cat capitalist pigs need to be stopped before we need a bailout to get a sausage roll.

and they're rude.

I'm kinda confused. See, we got take out from Zuzu Ramen (Zoot Suit Riot - Ri-OT!) - got the green curry and the zuzu special. The Zuzu was so perfect. So so perfect. Delicious & tender & flavorful. Seriously light on protein, but the pork belly that was in there was magical. I've never had meat this amazing (take THAT out of context). But the green curry was the most disgusting thing I've ever had. Salt & spice cranked up so high it was intolerable. It was so crappy it must've been a mistake. It's also pricey. But, man, that Zoot suit special was really good...it was a mistake, right?

July 18th. The night disappointment came to town.

Being a modern day yuppie, I get all of my bright ideas from internet buzz. Not since fair trade, locally grown, artisinal Bac-O's came to town has anything gotten more blog love than Calexico. The moment I heard they opened an actual storefront I thought "BLOGS SAY GO! MUST EAT CALEXICO. BRAIIIIIINS!"

So, we went & you know what, it was just okay. First off, it took half an hour to get our food. I'm sorry, but this shit needs to come out faster. It's fucking Mexican food not a six-tiered wedding cake.

We started with a small guac & chips, which was a tiny ketchup container filled with moderately tasty green stuff. It didn't have much punch, but at least the chips were fresh. The salsa bar was well-stocked with more moderately flavorful stuff.

The carne asada taco was pretty decent, but no where near the orgasmatron experience these foodies were preaching. We also had a pulled pork taco. I think. Quite memorable, as you can tell.

We also got a quesadilla, but didn't eat that till after seeing Harry Potter 6. Which also left a Meh taste in my mouth. But, hey, after that meal at least I tasted something. So, we slog through this slow-ass movie, come home ready to devour a ROLLED quesadilla & crack sauce and again I'm left rummaging through the bag to see if they packed the excitement on the side.

Just a note: If you're going to name your secret sauce after the most addictive, most destructive inner-city drug you might want to try something other than mayo & chili powder.

Indulge me with another note: Hire a staff that has some actual experience in dealing with customers. These people were so awkward it was like everyone was going through puberty at the same time. When someone was "thanks, have a nice weekend" try & come back with something other than a BLANK STARE.

I know, another note: Maybe our food wouldn't've taken so long to come out if all the bearded hipster cooks weren't scurrying outside to check their iPhones every 45 seconds. I'm sure you must be going through some crazy existential crisis with your girlfriend of three weeks, but get your bony ass back in front of the grill & get me my goddamn dinner. Dry your tears with your skinny tie on your own damn time.

this is why I fucking love NYC. If, for some reason, you want a mediocre $5 sub then by all means, waste your lunch. Or you could find a fantastic, tiny little hole in the wall & get a giant takeout container of flavorful, ethnic food. A mountain of options dished out by friendly staff - you will leave here happy!

Everything is bland. The food, the walls, the waitstaff - it's all GAP chinos & a navy polo bland. This isn't some carnivore rant against veg restaurants. This is me venting over a shitty, lifeless meal. if they spent half as long on the food as they do explaining that macrobiotic IS NOT A CULT  (we swear it's not a cult, here, have a free book, have a nice flight) then they could be on to something.

I read all of these reviews that said "Ohh, this place is just like San Fran, the vibe so great, i miss san fran sooo much." Fuck that madness. I've been to San Francisco and San Fran kicks fucking ass. Souen is a drab farce of a restaurant that serves lukewarm kitty turds with a side of sesame dressing.

20 minutes for delivery turned into "soon", turned into "ten more minutes" turned into "WHERE THE F ARE THESE MORONS, IT'S BEEN AN HOUR & A HALF?!"

I wouldn't mind if I opened the bag & Pacifico was inside, but this was lifeless slop.

We made the mistake of trusting those tasteless dickbags over at menupages that gave this place good reviews. why didn't I check with Yelp first? WHY LORD, WHY!??!

edit: in retrospect, the fajitas weren't that bad. there was actually a lot of filling. But the Super Nachos were total ass. A massive waste of indigestion. I'm just really pissed at having to wait so long for delivery...

We found a really friendly, but seemingly homeless kitten (http://www.brooklynian...) & Sonia graciously directed us to the Vinegar Hill Vet Group. She also gave us a teeny harness so we could hold onto the squirmy little sucker. Such a nice bird.

this bitch don't close! If you need to get your Bul Go KI on at 3 in the morning, then you can!