Colby "Fist of God" B.'s Profile

When it comes to college football watching, these guys could fuck up a wet dream.

Yeah, the food's good. Yeah, I get what they're doing. Yeah, I appreciate the details like Kreutz sausage, Blue Bell Ice Cream, Big Red, Lone Star the Lockhart yearbook pages on the wall and the Texas Monthly covers.

But seriously. I made a reservation months ago for watching last night's Tech-Texas game. Got there early with my ~65 year old parents in tow. And was greeted to a crowd of about 200 people standing in an area the size of my apartment. 200 people with no goal. No plan was explained. Some people were staying there at the bar. Some of us wanted to be seated at our table.

Did I mention there were a whole lot of empty tables clearly in sight from said teeming mass of people?

FInally, after standing in this mass for an hour, they get to our reservation. We are led to the basement to find our table in in the corner. Half the table will be able to crane their necks to see one TV above the bar. The other half is SOL. Also, this shit show took so long, we missed kickoff.

My experience was so bad, I am in the process of making all my current one star reviews into two star reviews, just so this is my only one star review.

For shame Hill Country. For shame.

It stands to reason that the official gathering place of the Alabama alumni group is going to show the Alabama game.

At least that makes perfect sense to me.

What I told them, was it was the best haircut I've gotten in the City.

What I didn't tell them was that the other two involved a diabetic fainting "incident" by the cutter and what I'll call a little "language barrier."

But still. It was a great haircut.

So, mom. I bought dad a Brooklyn Dodgers hat and sent it to you today. If it's too big, we can take it back.

"Dad. Cole sent you a Brooklyn Dodgers hat. If it doesn't fit, we can take it back."

Umm. I told you so it could kind of be a surprise.

"He told me so it could kind of be a surprise. Oh."

You'd think there would be a rock-bottom for fucking up delivery.

You know ... an absolute zero. Like there's only so much you can fuck up, right? Like, you can only be late and give the wrong order and over charge, right?

So. Yeah, they were late. OK, not a big deal. It was raining.

And the delivery guy didn't have a pen. Which is like a hitman not bringing a gun. But OK. It happens.

And we got Diet Coke instead of Coke zero. Hmm.

And the Ceasar salad was virtually all tomatoes and croutons. Strike 4.

And they put the pasta in sideways so when you picked it up it dumps cream sauce all over your couch.

Well, that's certainly a new and creative way to fuck up delivery. You suck so bad you stain my couch.

The door was ajar when I walked by this morning.

Remind me not to run here on Zombie Day.

A Review in Two Parts:

Part One - May 15, 2009

It was standing in line at Shake Shack when I finally determined there was no chance that I am the Incredible Hulk.

Because if you can stand there while a total stranger walks up to you (and I swear to God this happened) and says, "Yeah. It's a single Shack burger. It's pretty good. You'll get one in 20 minutes or so." And not turn green and beat the shit out of said dooshbag, your anger is never going to cause you to turn green and go on a rampage.

I seriously should have pushed that fuck knuckle down the stairs so he could wear his single Shack burger.

At some point, when you pay $22 for a bottle of over the counter cough syrup and a 12 pack of Coke, you start rethinking your life choices.

"Yellow Polka Dot Bikini!"

I called my parents once from Lala's while enjoying many frosty cold beers. That's how they answered the phone.

"Yellow Polka Dot Bikini!"

Excuse me?

"Is this Shirley?"

This is your son. Your only son.

"Oh, we thought you were Shirley."

That still doesn't explain why you answered the phone 'Yellow Polka Dot Bikini'.

"Well, we like to call Shirley when we've solved the puzzle on Wheel of Fortune. We thought you were her."

Do we have to turn into our parents?

I swear to God this is a real conversation I just had with my parents, who won't pick a time when they're coming to visit.

Me: so, kelly just pointed out a hotel and listed off some of the people who have stayed there over the years. i'm going to list them and you tell me how many you've heard of
Dad: OK
Me: Joni Mitchell
Dad: no
Me: Bob Dylan
Dad: no
Me: Alice Cooper
Dad: no
Me: Jimi Hendrix
Dad: no
Me: i win

Help me.