Sam "The Ex-Mayor" P.'s Profile

Warning - this review involves some oversharing.

When my ex was in New York a few weeks ago he managed to let slip that he had been to a clinic while in town because he thought he had gonorrhea. It turns out he did. Ew. Now, while we hadn't slept together in, oh, 6 years, the hypochondriac inside me went into hyperdrive and I decided it was time for a trip to the doctor for the full STD rundown.

I haven't had good luck finding a GP in the city - most leave me pretty cold. But I have a few friends who go to Dr. Champange, so I thought I'd give him a shot. He's a very cool guy, wry and smart. I told him why I was there, and he made some crack about how actors get laid a lot (it's not just because I'm an actor, honey...;)).

My only complaint was that the exam didn't seem very thorough to me (but really, what do I know?). I mean, I told him I hadn't had a check-up in a few years, and I didn't see much more than a little stethoscope action. But, in the end, the fluids were taken, the tests done, and he even called me on a Saturday to tell me I am, thankfully, completely STD free (phew! - Safe sex, people! Believe it!)

Thanks, Dr. Champagne!

There's nothing too remarkable about Lolita Bar, but it seems to be a nice, local place that's benefiting from its location somewhat on the edges of the Lower East Side (Chinatown is pretty much across the street). Those who are tired of the ever-increasing silliness that is just about every bar between Houston and Delancey come to Lolita for an upbeat yet chill evening.

Drinks are cheap, the decor is nice, if a bit uninspired, and it's hardly ever too crowded (even on a Saturday night). A great choice if you're in the area, but definitely not a destination.

Oh, hell to the no.

This is the magic of PR, folks. Using everything from buzzwords to the Real Housewives of New York, The Hudson Terrace has worked very hard to convince you it's Shangri-la on the West Side highway. Hell, I believed it - marketing is a powerful thing.

But when I finally rolled up here one Sunday night, the place really spoke for itself. Doormen dripping with attitude (yes, I was invited, thanks...), jaw-droppingly overpriced drinks also served dripping with attitude ($14 for a martini, maybe. For a tiny mixed drink? Unacceptable).

And the famed roofdeck? Tiny, crowded, walled off, and with views of...well, not much really. A parking lot and half of the Intrepid. Also, and this is more the party's fault than Hudson Terrace's, but really Junior Vasquez, the 90's are over. In fact, it's almost the 10's (?). Can we please bid a fond farewell to the same tracks you've been playing since 1998?

Skip this one.

Ok, Rusty Knot. I'm picking up what you're putting down.

It's taken me a while to get into you (literally), not for want of trying for being turned away at the door (as if...), but merely for the fact that the Rusty Knot is small and often too crowded with sundry douchebags to be tolerable.

That being said, much like its sister gastropub The Spotted PIg, the time to enjoy the tiki-basement-esque feelt, kitschy tropical drinks and pretzel dogs, is on a Tuesday night (or the like).  It will still be pleasantly populated, but refreshingly douchebag free. The drinks will be surprisingly cheaper than you expected given the location, and you and your friends can take over a couch or two and waste away again in Margarita-ville - or whiskey-ville.  Whichever you prefer.

Honestly, this place kind of creeps me out. It's like some evil coffee laboratory, with the pipes and the computer screens and the over caffeinated employees. And you get a discount for not using cash? I'm sorry, but I will not contribute to the destruction of our national system of legal tender. Cash is fine with me for an iced coffee.

And speaking of which - and I guess this is just a personal pet peeve -   when I want an iced coffee, I want an iced coffee NOT an iced americano (and yes, I know the difference).  I get that you're trying to be cool and "authentic" by brewing each cup from your elaborate system of beans, levers, and world-domination, but don't give me your smug "Oh, we don't make iced coffee" speech and condescendingly explain why you have to make an americano.

I'd rather have a nice cold-brewed iced coffee from Grounded served to me the old fashioned way by a stoned out, scruffy hipster/artist, thank you very much.  And I'll pay for it with a 5 dollar bill. Points for being open 24 hours, but for coffee this soulless, you might as well go to Starbucks.

When one moves within walking distance of Zabar's, one thinks one has died and gone to grocery heaven. Then, one realizes that Zabar's doesn't actually sell groceries.  Just pastrami and rugelach. Now, granted, I could probably live off of those two food items alone, but when you want actual groceries and don't want to schlep down to Fairway or Whole Foods, you go to the Farm.

As others have noticed, it's best to lower one's expectations. The produce is fine - yes, Fairway's is better, but can you get a package of grape tomatoes at 3am at Fairway? No you can't.  I go for basics and the occasional sandwich from the deli. Everything's decent and it's certainly a cut above the sketchy Met foods on Amsterdam. I'm happy knowing B'way Farms is there for me 24 Hours a day, 7 days a week.

When my favorite vegetarian comes to town and wants a place for dinner, I know exactly where we're going! I go through weird phases in which I'll do things like eat nothing but tofu even though I couldn't be further from a vegetarian. I also enjoy the creativity that always comes with veggie places: what else CAN you do to an artichoke?  

But what I appreciate about Blossom beyond their clever cuisine is that the atmosphere, while certainly eco-friendly and nature themed, avoids that granola-ey feel that all-too often accompanies places like this. In short, Blossom is chic AND vegetarian.  Sometimes a hard combo to come by, so it must be noted.

I had the mixed vegetable plate which was surprisingly filling - loved the smoked barley.  Service was friendly, prices are standard for UWS dining.  A great choice for the Vegan, Veggie, or Gluten-free friends in your life!

In my first week of living on the Upper West Side, I think I came here for a meal at least 3 times - mostly because it was the first place I could think of in a 3 block radius of my apartment.

I debated between 3 or 4 stars here.  I really do like the place. Yeah, the service is a little lackadaisical, but if they're going for a typical French cafe ambiance, that's par for the course.  And really it's a place to linger over Cafe Creme, not for a quick in and out.

But there's nothing remarkable enough here to warrant a fourth star, the food is solid, the wine is good enough, it's open 24 hours which is wonderful. But I always want everything to taste better than it does.  That's not to say it's bad, but you know, it just doesn't make that much of an impression. I imagine I'll be here quite often considering the location, but A-OK pretty much sums it up for me.

Since Jen just HAD to beat me to the first-to-review, I'll give the more in depth review she's clearly too busy and fabulous to write :P

As one of New York's many transient, free-lancing vagabonds, one of the first things I look for when moving to a new neighborhood is a good coffee shop to work in. The Upper West side is a treasure-trove of restaurants and gourmet marketplaces, but I thought I might have to venture further uptown towards Columbia-land to find quality coffee-shop real estate like Sip (http://www.yelp.com/bi...).

But not since Joe came to town. I've long been a fan of Joe's smooth, dark roast, yet with as much time as I used to spend below 14th street, I never managed to find myself in any of their outposts all that often. Probably because of the lack of wi-fi, frankly. While I appreciate them wanting to create a place where people can just sit an talk over espresso, we all know that vagrants like me need places to work when cabin fever sets in.  Luckily for Joe's UWS outpost, we can steal wireless from the bar next door (thanks Zeytin!).

The ambiance is cool yet welcoming - I love the tree-stumped walls. It's still settling in a little bit, but once it's cleaned up, it'll be quite hard to get a table I'm sure. But thank god we've finally got one of the downtown coffee giants up here!

I was asked to be in a friend's performance piece here recently, and I immediately agreed thinking "I am so downtown and cool performing at the legendary Bowery Poetry Club. Time to go shopping for a black turtleneck and a beret!" And the place itself was definitely what I imagined it - small, dark, and cluttered with pictures of Alan Ginsberg and other greats of New York poetry on the walls.  A funky staff serving cheap beer and french fries, and a crowd full of poetry aficionados of all shapes, sizes, ages and colors.  Sadly, no black turtlenecks.

But cute beat-related outfits aside, but this place just needs to get it together a bit. You'd think a place that's been around this long would know what they were doing a bit better. Case in point: our piece was supposed to start at 7, and because the piece before us ran long and had some kind of reception afterwards, we didn't get started until 7:30.  Then some very serious looking stage manager woman had the nerve to try to cut us off early because we were going over our time limit.  Even so far as to cut the mikes and turn the house lights on before the piece was over (we finished anyway).  You'd think that because they caused us to start late, they'd be a little more lenient. But what do I know?

Regardless, it's nice to know that the poetry and the under-the-radar performance scene isn't totally dead, I'm just not sure I'd want my work performed in such a unorganized and unsupportive environment.