Jason X.'s Profile

I don't usually write serious reviews, but I actually had such a good time at Barney's Beanery in Burbank, I decided to be straight forward with this one.

First, it's about the only place you can smoke in Burbank. They've got a nice outdoor room where you can smoke, drink, socialize, watch the game, and catcall to women on the street. It's Barney's sweet spot.

Their food and beer menus are almost endless. My buddies love beer, but I'm a vodka and tequila kind of guy. So of course, I was accommodated. And awesome setup with TVs everywhere so that you don't miss anything.

Best thing about the whole experience was our waitress, Leilani. She's smokin hot, which would have been satisfying enough, but she was also friendly, joked around with us, and was extremely attentive. No empty drinks, no lack of water, food came quickly. We were never looking around, wondering where our waitress was. She always just seemed to be there when we needed her. I need to get her work schedule. If she's working, seat me at her fuckin table!  

Barney's, I'll be back.

Shell Gas Station television programming sucks balls. If you're going to put TVs on your gas pumps, at least come up with a decent lineup. I get that they're trying to make the experience a little more satisfying for the customer. But if that's really the case, why aren't they showing something worth seeing? Like movie trailers, or sitcoms, or better yet--soft core porn. You really want to satisfy me as a customer? Show me some tits. I mean, seriously, think about the subliminal sales opportunity here. Sex = pumping fluids into holes. The more you show, the more we pump that gas. Come on Shell, wake up and smell the fumes. Oh, and for the ladies, show anything with Sarah Jessica Parker in it; movies, TV, commercials... Guesting on Oprah. They'll forget they're even pumping gas.

But no. Instead what we get are the creepy hellos and good-byes from our gas pump host and a bunch of commercials for product or causes, like saving the whales. If you really want to save whales, stop dumping oil into the ocean. If you want to keep me as a customer, spice up your programming with the Spice channel.

There's something really creepy about this place. When it was new, I made it to the front door but couldn't go inside. Just its aura alone repelled me. The people inside looked creepy too--like zombies, ravenous and ready to feed on something disgusting. I didn't want to get eaten myself, so I just walked away.

Okay, so I've never actually been inside Kohl's. But sometimes you just know when something has been built on top of an old Indian burial ground and what's inside will make you piss your pants.

Keep a crucifix handy if you go into this place; even if you get back out alive, you may never be the same...

They just changed everything in the store. Now the chips are where the liquor used to be and the liquor is where the pasta used to be; who knows where the fuck the pasta is now.

I used to have a route. Aisle 6, 8, 9, 12, done. Now I just stand there like a child who lost their parent looking around with dumb look on my face.

I know why they did it. Not to be more efficient or even to be more strategic in how they organize products; they did it to fuck with us.

Honestly, I don't blame them. I'd do the same thing. And then just sit back, watch and get a good chuckle.  

Enjoy, Ralphs. An asshole after my own heart.

The waiter left us high and dry when we first sat down, ignoring us and our drink order for 10 - 15 minutes.

Strike one.

My dirty martini came sans olives.

Strike two.

I asked for a turkey club with no tomatoes; it came with tomatoes.

Strike three.

This is a bowling alley. So if you want a lot of strikes, this is the place for you.

This is a great place to get ideas for tattoos. All stylists have a minimum of 6 tats, including some full back pieces that are to die for. For the more goth enthusiast, one of the stylists even has Elvira running down her arm from her shoulder to her forearm. Skulls, snakes, dragons, eagles. Something for everyone. But you probably won't find any Celtic knots and tribal; you'll have to go to L.A. Fitness for those.

Also some good ideas on where to pierce your body. Not the typical nose rings or lip piercings. Cheeks, chins, back of the neck--there's no holds barred here...

You can also get a pretty good haircut at a very reasonable price.

When you need something more than just sex in your adultery, like dinner and drinks, this is the place for you. It's so dimly lit in Casa Vega, you can barely see your own hand in front of your face, let alone her hand on your crotch. Very hard to recognize who's doing what to whom in those dark corner booths. A good place to meet and fondle in public without much risk of being fingered. Kind of a paradox, but the point is, your identities will remain anonymous.

Oh yeah, the food is not bad.

I drive by this office building all the time, but I have yet to see one porn star walk in or out of the place. I think it's just a front for something sleazy.

I love this place. Mainly because they get me drunk and let me get loud and obnoxious. Cinco de Mayo I was sitting with three Filipinas, and one just announced that she was now professionally stripping. Somehow I used that to offend two Indian programmers and almost got into a fight. Alas, the warm and friendly staff overlooked this and kept bringing me drinks.

The food and margaritas are great. I'm a regular, so they know me by name and always get me a table, even when it's crowded.