Sebastian N.'s Profile

things that go well together:  

- cookies and cream (those cookies and cream hershey chocolate pieces are ridicuawesome)
- peanut butter and jelly (white people seem to love PB and J.  that and cereal.  they love cereal.  oh and keeping me down in the workplace, they love that too, but that's another story)
- four and loco, apparently (i'm so sad i didn't get a chance to try this before they pulled it)
- jon and kate (not the wreck that was their marriage, more the hapa kids.  hapa kids are fucking adorable *ahemwhiteladiesimsingle*)
- sushi and burritos

yes, this concept is intensely san francisco (hey look at me i like to combine things that shouldn't be combined like salty caramel and ice cream, fuck you establishment), but it works. i first saw an article on thrillist about sushirrito and thought "wtf, there goes the planet (high five for spaceballs reference!), now i have to move", but it's not a burrito in the heavy-oozing-meat-beans-looks-the-same-coming-out- as-it-does-going-in kind of way. it's really like a ginormous sushi roll that you hold and eat like a burrito, so "sushi" refers to the food, and "rrito" refers to the method of consumption. hefty but not heavy, filling, and really tasty / fresh ingredients. i got the crispy ebi because i love tempura like your mom loves my penis, but have to go back to try the three amigos.

also, the line is pretty significant, but this will just provide more opportunities for me to mine that goldmine that is a phallic shaped asian food that you put in your mouth.  "i got an asian burrito to fill you up right here, and i just whipped up a new batch of my special mayonnaise!"  how am i still single???  i'm so lonely.....

in the ghetto.  but.....

while we were waiting for our 2 item combo, homie comes in, walks up to the counter, and says "i got six dollars, what can i get for that?"  

any place someone chooses to spend his last $6 has got to be fucking awesome.  if that isn't the definition of a 5 star review i don't know what is.

pro - i like this place so much i've been here at least 5 or 6 times, usually while intoxicated.
con - i'm told that i've actually been here 20+ times on various occasions and i just don't remember being there because of my spectacularly advanced state of inebriation.

pro - they have soju with flavors like apple and cherry and lychee.  it's basically like drinking candy.  sweet alcoholic candy.  they taste pretty weak, but when it tastes like nothing you press on the gas a little harder and it seems like you're still going pretty slow so you press on the gas still a little harder and then BOOM before you know it all of a sudden everyone's drunk.  
con - they have weird unflattering electric blue neon lighting that makes the soju necessary.  soju: facilitating AzN hookups since 1327.

pro - they have kareoke rooms upstairs
con - i suck at singing.  but i insist on singing when i'm drunk.  i think it's programmed into my people's dna.  respect your elders, be good at math, and love kareoke.  i will punch you in the crotch, forcibly remove the remote control from your possession and dial up young mc's bust a move.  i will then hold on to the mic with a ninja death grip until i can tell you smarties about what to do at a party where girls are scantily clad and showing body.  btw, i do not get better at singing when drunk.  and i should never, ever, under any circumstances and in spite of my vigorous and sometimes violent protestations, be allowed to rap.  everyone suffers, no one wins, and somewhere angels are crying.

pro - walking distance from my apartment
con - not if you're drunk.  it's like 6 long blocks up the hill (i'm on washington) and 1 over, which doesn't sound that bad, but if you're coming off of a soju / OB / hite / kareoke bender, this can TAKE FOREVER, YOU WILL GET LOST AT LEAST TWICE IN THESE 7 BLOCKS, and is NOT RECOMMENDED.  

pro - the food is actually pretty decent.  the jajangmyeon (black bean noodles, which by the way wiki says is derived from a chinese dish, whatup, which has to be true because the interwebz is all knowing and never wrong) and the fried chicken are good.  also, they have this banchan (the little dishes that come out before the meal) that consists of corn with cheese melted on top.  wtf??  corn with cheese melted on top?  who does that?  either retarded or genius.  after one taste while buzzed, the verdict is: FUCKING GENIUS.  OMG THIS TASTES SO GOOD EXCUSE ME WAITRESS CAN YOU BRING OUT LIKE 10 OF THESE DISHES YEAH 10 NO JUST ME NO JUST PUT THEM IN FRONT OF ME DON'T TELL THE OTHERS THANKS.  
con - the next morning you wake up and realize that you ate 10 dishes of corn with fucking cheese melted on top.

tsunami, like strip clubs, is great in theory.

cool atmosphere, loud music, dark setting, and you're really excited to go for the first time.

by the end of the night you've spent way too much money, you leave feeling unsatisfied (and needing to go home to satisfy yourself with your hand / a hot pocket), wondering what all the hype was about, and you end up with glitter all over and smelling like stripper baby powder*.

well not so much the last one for tsunami, but you get the idea.  

* btw if anyone knows where to get stripper baby powder please let me know.  i don't know what it is but all strippers smell the same.  and by the same i mean AWESOME.

being a first generation chinese kid, when i was little, i used to get the weirdest snacks and food to eat.  while other kids would bring a bologna sandwich, an apple, and a bag of doritos to school for lunch, i got fried rice in a thermos, pickled daikon, and some shrimp chips.  do you know how fucking hard it is to trade shrimp chips or pickled daikon for anything in middle school???  and trading food is a key foundation for social development.

them: wait, so you're saying you've got chips, but they're SHRIMP flavored??
little me: yeah, shrimp is expensive, it's seafood
them: ....
little me: i've also got some pickled daikon, it's fermented
them: ....
little me: will you be my friend?
them: ummm.... we're going to go over there to play kickball.  you stay here
little me: ... i'm so lonely

anyway, one of the things my mom would fix me for a snack sometimes coming back from school or on the weekends was a vietnamese sandwich.  i've already professed my love for a good cheap banh mi (ROTD bitches! http://www.yelp.com/bi...), so you know i'm a fan.  but she would put her little twist on it.  instead of using a baguette, she would use a croissant.  she would spread pate over the croissant and, here's the kicker, instead of using vietnamese meat or chicken or something like that, she would use pan fried spam.  now i'll be the first to admit that i love me some spam.  put some pan fried crispy-on-the-outside-but-juicy-on-the-inside spam over some rice and i'm set.  but this is a hard core coronary (croissant, pate, and spam????) for a 10 year old kid.  just thinking about it right now is increasing my blood pressure a little bit.  but let me tell you that shit is GOOD.  especially if you use a toaster oven to get the croissant all warm and flaky.

and that's what they do here at little paris.  you can get a toasted croissant sandwich (#8 on the sandwich menu, which will set you back $3.00), add pate (add $0.50), and substitute your choice of meat - i usually choose bbq chicken as they unfortunately don't do spam (add $0.50) and you've got yourself a big, hearty, rich sandwich for $4.00.

i don't know how many first generation chinese kids are like me, but i just can't eat white people food for lunch day after day after day at work.  there's only so much subway or specialty's i can take.  so 2 or 3 times a week i head up to chinatown from the embarcadero and get me some good, cheap, chinese food.  i usually eat up there too, since bringing back any of the food that i get from chinatown would likely make me a social outcast and limit my career opportunities going forward.  like just last week i brought back one of these sandwiches and some dim sum from chinatown back to the office.

them: wait, so you're saying you got a sandwich, but it's got pate, pickled daikon and carrots, cilantro, and vietnamese chicken in it??
big me: yeah, pate is expensive, it's duck liver
them: ....
big me: i also got some chicken feet.  this place makes them good, the skin just falls off the chicken toes
them: ...
big me: will you be my friend?
them: ummm... we're going to go over there to talk about important deals and decide your bonus.  you stay here
big me: ... i'm so lonely

the one thing that i am super picky about when it comes to gyms is cleanliness, especially in the locker room, and this place gets 5 stars for cleanliness.  there's always a guy with a towel wiping stuff down and generally everything is pretty clean.  the machines are decent, as is the free weight section.  they have a bunch of cardio machines on both the first and second floor.  i usually go later in the day around 7 or 8 and i've never had a problem getting a machine but i think it's a little harder right around 5:30, 6ish.  my one gripe about the floor is that i wish they had individual tvs on each of the machines.  for $124/mo (if you go once a week like i sometimes do then that's like putting down $30 each time you walk into the gym - ouch) this should be pretty standard.

the other, more qualitative plus for me is that i don't know anyone else who goes to this gym.  this is key for me because i absolutely hate running into people out of context.  i turn into an awkward, bumbling, social liability incapable of adhering to generally accepted social protocol (more so than usual).  if i'm expecting to see people randomly, then i'm okay.  for example, if i'm meeting up with people at a bar or lounge for someone's birthday, then my "social" switch has been turned on and i'm prepared to enter into light banter about the weather or how that bitch broke your heart.  but when i run into people on the street or even worse when i'm sweating to a Friend's rerun on the bike at the gym, i turn into Bobo the Fucking Wonder-Idiot.

-- Actual Conversation --

me on bike:  *good sweat, good sweat*
college acquaintance (she was a friend of a friend): ... hey!  long time no see!
MOB: *fuck* ... hey!  how are you?
CA: good good, i moved back to the city, i was in new york for a while.  how are things with you?
MOB: i'm good, i'm good.  you know, same ol', just trying to make a dolla outta a dime and a nickel.
CA: huh?  what do you mean?
MOB: oh, sorry, nothing, that was just a rap song ref... nevermind.  so... what are you doing here?
CA: ... you mean what am i doing here at the gym?  
MOB: ... yeah
CA: ummm.... working out...?  i'm looking for a new gym so i'm on a 1 week trial pass here.  i just started at MoFo so i'm in the area.  do you like this place?
MOB: yeah, it's not bad.  pretty clean, not too crowded, lots of financial district folks so not a lot of older, gross people
CA: what do you mean?
MOB: you know, everyone's pretty young here, so when you're walking around in the showers and you're looking around you're not grossed out by sagging man-boobs or anything
CA: ... oh okay.  haha, i guess that's true, you don't want to be staring at man-boobs all day.
MOB: not that i'm walking around the locker room looking at naked guys.  guys' bodies are pretty gross to begin with.  that's why guys' magazines have pictures of girls and girls' magazines also have pictures of girls, have you ever noticed that?  everyone likes looking at girls' bodies.
CA: i guess......
MOB: i don't mean all girls' bodies, i guess there are some old ladies who are gross.  but it's not like you have to worry, you have a really nice... ummm....... body...
CA: .... ummm...... thanks?
MOB: no, what i mean is, have you been working out more in general?  you look thinner, weren't you, you know, thicker in college?
CA: ....
MOB: i mean, i'm not saying you were fat or anything.  i'm just saying you look pretty good now.
CA: ...
MOB: not that i ever... i mean, i have a girlfriend... she has a nice body too... i don't mean like i'm bragging like it's a supermodel body... it's not that good.  i mean it's okay.  but i like looking at my girlfriend's body.  well i guess in general i like looking at girls' bodies.  especially if they're young.
CA: .......?!?
MOB: ....er but still over 18.
CA: ...
MOB: ....
CA: ...
MOB: ....
CA: i can't put into words how uncomfortable i am right now, i have to go.

so 5 stars for cleanliness, minus two stars for $124 / month, plus one star for the fact that i can minimize the number of times i have to interact with people, because apparently interacting with people is not one of my strengths.

Ingredients:

1) 1 lbs pork ribs
2) 1 order potato confit
3) 1 order ratatouille
4) 9 lbs little brown dog who freakin loves pork rib bits and would gnaw off her own leg to get a piece
5) 1 ferry building walking distance from apartment
6) 1 table outside of said ferry building
7) 1 girlfriend (optional - adds flavor but complicates recipe)
8) 1 view of SF bay and bay bridge
9) 1 lazy sunday could be late morning could be mid-afternoon who cares the sun is out

mix well and serve.  makes 2 servings of complete and utter happiness.  repeat as desired.

scooby doo.  handball.  double cheeseburgers.  fruit roll ups.  jem.  micro machines.  swings.  hypercolor t shirts.  big macs.  kickball.  thundercats.  teddy ruxpin.  snorks.  chicken mcnuggets.  duck hunt.  

what do these things have in common?  they're things that i used to enjoy with every bone, every fiber in my body.  they're things that used to make me happy.  they're things that gave me pleasure without any feeling of guilt or worry about consequences.

remember back in the day when all mcdonald's was was a good burger with some awesome fries?  remember when 6 chicken mcnuggets was a full meal?  remember the McDLT with the hot and the cold sides separated?  remember that stupid happy meal box with the golden arches as the handles?  remember when your metabolism didn't give a flying fuck what you ate?  remember when you didn't even know what the word metabolism meant?  it was such a simpler time.  it was a time of transformers and mask and my little pony and tail spin and voltron and duck tails.  it was a time when you thought when you grew up you would become either a ninja or a firetruck - but more likely a ninja since you had been practicing so much.  it was a time when spinning around as many times as you could was not so much a just a pastime as it was a competitive sport that you excelled at - in fact the only competitive sport that you excelled at.  it was a time when you had no idea how much of your daily allowance of sodium was in that mcchicken sandwich, or how many calories from fat were in a quarter pounder with cheese.

i don't know when it happened, but sometime in the 90s i lost the pure visceral and unadulterated joy of eating fast food.  how did this happen to me????

401Ks.  employer matching.  healthcare savings accounts.  credit crises.  alternative minimum taxes.  recessions.  overseas conflicts.  gym memberships.  riding bikes that don't even go anywhere for an hour next to 20 other people riding bikes that don't go anywhere.  blood pressure.  FICA (who the fuck is FICA and why does that asshole keep taking my money?) credit scores.  form 1099s.  consumer confidence.  mortgages.  employee reviews.  

when did i trade in mario and luigi for an animated paperclip?  when did "spinning" and "daily allowance" come to mean such different things than what they used to mean?  when did i make the conscious decision to eat a bowl of bran instead of crackers that i could spread artificial cheese onto using a rectangular piece of red plastic?

i understand that i can't eat like i used to and it's obviously not healthy to eat mcdonald's every day, but once in a while i do crave some fast food - and i'd like to be able to eat a big mac and a large fries and just really enjoy it.  and this front street location helps me do just that, being right in the heart of the embarcadero financial district and 1 block from my office building.  bonus, it's right next to harrington's and royal exchange - really nothing tastes as good after a couple (read: 4+) pints as a double cheeseburger and/or mcchicken sandwich off their dollar menu.  this location is generally pretty clean and the people are pretty competent.  plus it's one of the few places open around this area on the weekends too.  4 stars, here's a big middle finger for the responsible side of my frosted mini wheat.  

reebok pumps.  where the red fern grows.  metroid.  rainbow bright.  he-man.  ramona quimby.  goonies.  garbage pail kids.  knight rider. donkey kong.  heathcliff.  oregon trail.  inspector gadget.  rescue rangers.  LA Gear.  trix.  TMNT.  smurfs.  bridge to tarabithia.  care bears.  care bear stare.  choose your own adventures.  dammit i think i'm gonna cry.

"the food ran out by the time i got there"
"there were too many people, it was too crowded"
"this porridge is too cold"
"she didn't cup my balls when she was giving me my free blowjob"

jesus.  there are people who gave this free event fewer than 4 stars?  wtf???

it's a free party.  the two key words are "free" and "party".  if you don't like the food or didn't get any, get your ass out of there and buy some fucking food.  then you would have spent the same amount as if you had bought the food on your own in the first place because the party is FREE.  unless a yelp staffer punched you in the crotch when you first entered the venue, do not give a free event that people obviously worked very hard on fewer than 4 stars.

i for one had a great time.  i'm disappointed that i missed the elite event, as my plane was scheduled to arrive at SFO at 7:45 but because of delays at DFW didn't get in until 8:15, but the top shelf alcohol was still flowing when i got there.  yes, that's right, good liquor (i had a 12 year old glenlivet in a little clear plastic cup), good wine (a sterling merlot, also in a little clear plastic cup), and good beer (you guessed it, plus there was no line for the beer).  all FREE.  bonus: i danced (and sang along) to bizarre love triangle for the first time in years.  i don't know what it is about asian (read: AzN) people and that song, we just go crazy...  it is to us what brown eyed girl or sweet caroline is to white people.  i don't know why, don't ask me.    

thanks to the yelp staff for a great party.  as i'm writing this at 6 pm there's still some alcohol taste in my mouth.  and what appears to be a pubic hair.  that's really gross.  plus a sure sign that you had a good time the night before.  5 fucking stars

oh shit deb, you know alcohol too?  he was my roommate in college.  he was such an asshole.  i don't know what his problem was, but he was always messing with me.  like this one time i was walking home from a party on campus and he tripped me and i fell on my ass and looked retarted.  thanks a lot alcohol.  and this other time i was talking to a bunch of people and i could kind of tell that i wasn't making any sense but he totally convinced me that i was the smartest guy in the room and that everyone else was an idiot so i kept talking and talking.  soon i was alone and walked home and cried myself to sleep.  and who can forget that one time he convinced me that this girl who was staring at me at the end of the night was cute.  

alcohol: dude those two chicks over there are totally checking you out.
me: seriously?  two chicks?  that's awesome.  hey i don't think those are two chicks, i think that's just one big chick.
alcohol: whatever.  my point is she's checking you out.
me: i guess.  hey are you sure that's a chick?  how come she's got an adam's apple?  is she wearing overalls???  
alcohol: you're just seeing things.  go over there, be a man(1), talk to her.  use that scottish accent i taught you.  ladies love that.
me: what?  scottish accent??  but i'm chinese...  how... wha?  i dunno.  last time i listened to you it burned for 3 weeks every time i peed like freakin flaming angry razor blades were shooting out of my penis.
alcohol: yeah my bad on that one.  this one's a winner for sure.  trust me.
me: oookkkaaaayyy...  alcohol, you're the best friend a guy could ask for.  i hope we're friends forever.  bff?
alcohol.  i love ya man.  now go get 'em!

+4 stars for telling me i'm good looking and smart and funny.  -2 stars for being wrong.

(1) http://www.youtube.com...