Matthew "funnchef" G.'s Profile

well... i finally had to give up on my favorite place in calabasas as it is impossible to get into on a friday night after 6pm !   so i ventured out and found this  little charmer!!

again.... i ONLY sit at a bar... so my reviews are never for dining room service!  

the seafood risotto...... ( with the addition of my usually extra helping of spicy sauce!)... was really wonderful.   very abundant with seafood and shellfish.... the risotto itself was on the bottom on the dish... and was a pretty meaningless starch for me... but the fishes were terrific!     bartender is attentive and personable and the crowd is the typical calabasas set.... but not QUITE as poseur!

super happy with the champagne list by the bottle   well priced and pretty diverse. plenty of good wineries listed at under 100 a bottle!   by the glass list is terrible.... but ordering by the bottle is always a better idea..... can ANYONE have just 2 glasses of bubbles?

ive been there a few times already... and so far.... very consistent!

always nice to find a cool.. tasty watering hole!!

I hate chain restaurants
I hate republicans and kardashians also...but I REALLY hate chain restaurants.    

sometimes, you need a hot meal and in this sterile town...there is only one decent option and they were packed tonight!

I'll try and make my review as boring and straightforward as my meal

bartender..average, only semi attentive, only semi friendly.   pretty much white wash boring.   all of the staff look and act like little cloned corporate zombies .    not a smile to be found.   not a personality to be found

food.   yes I ate the pasta.  no I didn't get sick.  they added some hot sauce to make it semi flavorful.   perhaps the most boring average plebeian so -so food ever.    nothing bad.  nothing great.   nothing fun.  nothing terrible.      god I hate these freaking "C student" type shitboxes.    I'd rather have a terrible meal that the chef at least tried on!

zero champagne list.  I should have walked out then.   it's ok, I'll drink a Newcastle beer  in a pinch or two

the best thing about this doze fest,  white wash,  boring average sleepy eatery.....is that i never have to go back....and neither should anyone see!!

I just hope this wasn't my last meal....damn would I be pissed off

I just realized, that I never reviewed my favorite place....even after being there 5 times!

I'll keep it simple,  and just FYI , I never sit anywhere except a a bar...so my experience  never or almost never includes dining rooms!

ok food. perfect. fresh. balanced. Interesting without trying to do foam stupid modern things.    the mussels are amazing   when I ask for spicy, the chef gets it...and creates a dish that is memorable but not fussy.   changes to the menu are not met with attitude...but created with even more attention!    changed the taco apps to fish tacos....and they were beyond amazing.  

as a bubble  lush....I rate my dining experience also on what the bottle selections are!  order a glass? really?  who on earth has just one or two glasses of bubbly? lol

anyway...the selection is plentiful...varied and fairly priced!

service is friendly...real down home "cheers" warm attitude type.....bartenders are perfect and the crowd is interesting and welcoming!

that says a ton in a stone cold Siberian wasteland like calabasas

the ONLY negative .....honestly , is that they are usually packed on Friday nights and there is no room for me!   sad sad that I have to go anywhere else......

no seriously...y'all Need to read this one! not my usual rants with kardashian hatred throw in for good measure!

As a semi once in a while regular resident of woodland hills calabasas area...I've been to roys' about 5 times.   I order the same thing. ..everyone is sweet...everyone knows me....   pretty simple actually and frightfully low maintaince ..
I order bottle of champagne and a spicy ahi tar tare...perhaps a lobster potsticker if I'm in the mood...
so this fateful fucked up night...I order my bottle of Perrier jouet..and a spicy tartare. same as as I've gotten many times before...bartender confirms. food runner confirms.   all the minions are very loving to this client that has returned on many occasions ...they even sent me out a little amuse freebie app.....tasteless and boring but who am I to deny the love???

let me digress..this is not regular tartare. this is a ahi tartare from the heavens. spiced big time,,,specifically using a particular chili sauce.  it's an ahi poke, large chopped ahi. spicy as fuck. not bullshit creamy grocery store ahi!  presented on a large white plate. ..a real show stopper...who knows how much $.  15? 20?  who cares.  although im poor white trash...I'm drinking a 80 dollar bottle of booze.  just want something to eat

so....after the bs hoopla ofnthe staff ...I wait 20 minutes for said tuna... let me repeat it's a RAW FUCKING dish!    trust me kids...I've been in the kitchen before where it's so slammed I can't get out an order of fries in under 15 minutes... but, this is woodland hills..and I'm totally solo in the bar at 9pm.   not a soul but yours truly ...

so...This pathetic scene of guy drinking bottle of bubbles...waiting almost a half hour for raw tuna gets worse!   finally arrives...   what's this?  4 inch plate with a crammed blob of creamy tuna on it gets placed before me..although I known something is wrong.     I try it...shitty presentation and all...

ok. think about the sushi at your neighborhood grocery store....it's better than this ...in fucking edible. zero spice not poke but a mushy creamy mayo white ass chef cookingnpiece of shit non tuna.  
so now I'm pissed.  it's 930 pm. I haven't eaten a thing all day...the only reason I'm even here is that my favorite restaurant  in the area is jammed packed..  

I pass on the whole crappy dish...here is the best....I send back. put cash on table cuz at this point I just want Roy to die,,,and it's ANOTHER  10 minute wait!   again...I'm only one in the bar.  AND I'm a regular!  wait for it....best part...darlin bartender feels bad and brings me a dish of SORBET.   delusional much? I haven't eaten a thing. I just need something to soak up my booze!

the roys nightmare finally ends,,, they give discount on my bottle ...I laugh at sorbet
thing..and i run outta there ASAP

worse than poor excuse for an eatery.  avoid at all costs!!!

whew!  after staying at calabasas inn and suites once a week for a few months....(one star)....I was So happy to find this little oasis, and enjoy a decent nights sleep for the same price!!!!!!

I fought staying here for months just on the premise that I would somehow be supporting that pig Paris Hilton and her very creepy mom....but sources tell me I'm insane, and that I need to get over myself!!

few things....spotless clean room, solid great water pressure, good  air conditioning system...how cool eh? sorry. bad pun ...

the lobby has booze available....and small snacks 24/7.  I don't even indulge, I just like options!!!

front desk are really professional and nice at all hours of the night and the room has nicer furniture and decor than many upscale places I've stayed at!

love having real coffee cups and real glass wear in the room as well...

been here 3 times so far....very happy !

ok.  I try to be nice ...honest I do!  I gave this high marks for staff trying to accommodate a pile of shit motel...but after sooooo many stays, I no longer care that staff is trying......what IS trying (my nerves), is a badly run, broken down, dirty, amenitiy free hotel ( sorry kiddo...stale bad cookies in the non decorated lobby does NOT constitute an amenity!!!)

the "motel" has zero to offer....no late night snack offerings in lobby....no food or drink service....plastic cups only in room  ....hit or miss cleanliness....poorly decorated rooms and front desk staff that although sweet....quite clueless.  the  last straw for me was smoke detector that chirped throughout the night....I'm convinced it was hotel ghosts taunting and teasing..."Matthew, youre an asshole for paying over a hundred a night for this bullshit!"

location is good...but it's ostensibly a motel 6 in a high end location

read my Hilton gardens review to see the difference!

I rarely update reviews...and never never write a Third review....
however, this last experience was so banal...y'all should know to avoid it at all costs.

this time...just needed delivery...so, the review isn't for the atmosphere or the service....Solely for the food....which seems to be a fairly important part of the restaurant business no??
no....the food is a non valuable entity here!

catfish... .options were fried or blackened ...I got the little known third option which was burned... without texture or flavor.

Mac and cheese...I took 1/4 of a bite....had less than zero flavor...noodles way to large and the texture of scrambled eggs.  I would rue the day I ordered here...but obviously, the concept of a roux is dead here.   I'll wait for a moment for the cooks and foodies to giggle....and wait another second for everyone else to ignore that last joke

chopped salad....ummmm, key word here is CHOPPED.   perhaps these hacks don't have a knife in the kitchen.  was a average ceasar ok salad essentially with badly prepped vegetables and canned roasted peppers.  disgusting

cuz I'm an equal opportunity bitch.....the shrimp were cooked nicely .  and the sweet cornbread is always delish. ....the rest ....ugh NEVER again

next time I wanna throw 100 dollars away...I should at least eat a decent meal first.

sometimes everything just works
sometimes everything is just perfect
sometimes.....you are lucky to find a damn close to perfect restaurant!!
let me tell you why....

ok, its a given.  when every dish has either caviar or an essence of caviar... its pretty hard to screw things up as caviar is one of the greatest gifts on earth

what makes this one of the best eateries in our fair city.... is that they are serving the finest champagne... finest caviar selections.... stunning and clean presentations and the chef has a delicate and subtle hand yet still the food has a boldness and is full of personality and big flavors...
what makes the place super special.... is that all of these positives are executed WITHOUT PRETENSE!!!

take note.... lots of restaurants can do great things but they feel the need to hire out of work actors that have no sense of the culinary experience besides thinking that they need to be pretentious in order to justify fine dining.

here... the staff was perfect.   so knowledgeable and yet so casual and affable.   from the second that the hostess greeted us ( im sorry... the super cute and friendly hostess to be more accurate!!)  to the warmth throughout the meal to the very end.... it was perfect in every way.

not a place to go on a budget.... but for sure a special restaurant that should be experienced by everyone

what a wonderful , pleasant and super tasty surprise!!!
walking distance to everything... this brand new indian cuisine hideaway is damn near perfect!
Indian Kitchen isnt trying to be cutting edge or fusion funk or appeal to the vast numbers of posers in our fair city.... what is IS doing, is offering solid flavors and great values in an intimate 'culturally sensitive' surrounding!

far far superior than the two "wanna-be places" on 3rd street as well!

everything was quite wonderful, service solid and friendly and portions were not to large or to small!!

naans were perfect... samosas..perfect.  the only reason for 4 out of 5 stars,,, is the mistake on one dish.   the vindaloo sauce was amazing, however, i ordered it with shrimp.. and the shrimp was cooked separately rather than IN the mouthwatering spicy delicious sauce.
it made for a big division of flavors.... sauce.. yum yum yum shrimp sad and boring... sauce yum yum yum   shrimp sad and boring.

minor fix...  everything else was terrific and i will for sure make this the local fix for great rice dishes, naan, soups etc etc!

thank you for bringing yummy vittles to the neighborhood.
maybe the poor excuse for an italian restaurant across the street can learn to cook through osmosis and proximity to this place!!

perfection in a restaurant is simple right?
create a comfortable friendly yet stylish and current atmosphere ...!

knowledgeable staff....not pretentious but highly skilled, friendly but not overbearing!

//approachable and understandable food yet Interesting and complex in flavors!

value based prices!  if it's expensive..then have it show value of quality and flavor !

lastly, a wine list that wasn't copied off the applebeez website !   varietals that match the food.   pricing structure that matches the food pricing structure. and staff that can explain nuances if needed or steer you to a good choice for your palate!

ok....wayfare has it all, perfect on all of these levels

deviled eggs....interesting observation here ( well, to Me it is...y'all are probably beyond bored ).  anyway,  I do spice on everything.   i think food without flavor is sinful and I look forward to Alice waters and her pretentious band of posers going far far far away where she can annoy others with her drizzling of $8000 olive over fennel and call it a dish.... so, as I was ravishing these little unborn chicks...I realized that I never reached for the hot sauce...the eggs were so perfectly seasoned and balanced....they called for nothing but the interior of my over produced stomach.....that is cooking balance!  kudos

tomato soup with heirlooms was equally as balanced and elegant...as was the oyster selections and presentation

champagne perfect...her girly reisling....perfect

the experience at the bar in the middle of the afternoon......perfect