Matthew C.'s Profile

For years, while training in the state of the art Cleveland All-Pro Wrestling facilities, I would pass Bank News and wonder what kind of strange pornographic wonderland lived inside that unassuming building on the always sketchy Clark Avenue. It had to be filled with smut, I thought. I was right but what I did not know is that it is also always full of amazing lit magazines, a huge selection of music, horror and sports magazines, and dozens of other publications that push the use of paper to further extremes.

Plus there's those weird nazi books, books about handguns, porno comic books,  porno graphic novels, porno movies and a library of porno mags.

I, for once, was right.

And you're going to look a little scummy no matter what you leave with thanks to those anonymous brown bags they give you. Trust me, nine times out of ten I had an issue of Classic Rock magazine and Writers Digest inside of mine. Nine times out of ten.

.99 cent VHS tapes. The selection is not always stellar but when they stock... they stock BIG. Just a litttle taste of what my change has bought... Major League I & II, Happy Gilmore, E.T., Dirty Work, Nightmare on Elm Street, Christmas Vacation, Boyz in the Hood.

It goes on and on. It's also the place I bought my $7 VHS player. It broke after a few months but that's life. You get what you barely pay for.

I've also scored a great old desk for under twenty, some cool old-man pieces for my apartment. My couch from Goodwill even compliments the ugly cat art on my living room walls. My only regret is not buying that coffee table that looked like logs in a camp fire.

I'm here drunk after work a lot on Sundays. If you see me stumbling around the VHS section, do me a favor, help me find Dazed and Confused. I can't seem to get my dirty hands on it!

Amoeba rules. My Minds Eye rules. And the House of Guitars does too. Before ever getting to be there in person, I had heard the legendary tales of the aisles of glam rock t shirts, the metal posters on the ceiling that you can nail with darts and the autograph wall. I had a built this place up huge in my mind and, surpsingly, it lived up to the hype.

I don't play an instrument so I pass on the actual house of guitars but the record store is fucking GOD, and I've only bought one CD from it (a Jizzy Pearl solo record. Weird, yeah). This is a real rock and roll hall of fame because the people that lived the music actually came here and there's photos all over the place that prove it. The photo of a young Steven Tyler standing on a ladder while drawing an Aerosmith logo is there and so is the vintage tag. I bought a sweet Bang Tango shirt here while on tour and then made a point to return, years later, with my mom in tow so that she could see it for herself.

I spent every weekend of my child hood fishing in Port Clinton with my family and, for years, it ruined me for the sport and the cuisine. Since then I have learned to love this city and its sport fishing heritage. Jolly Rodger is an institution here. If Lake Erie perch and walleye could be available fresh across the country, this place would give McDonald's some stiff competition.

The perch boat is the best bet, with those amazing waffle fries on the side. Everything is fried and thank God for it. The oysters, clams and walleye are all winners too. Seriously, if you are in the Walleye Capital you MUST make this a destination. Maybe come after feeding some Zebras at African Lion Safari or eat here first and then get drinks at Travellers Inn. Whatever you do, enjoy and say hey to the fish crew for me

Much like Wall Drug, the Corn Palace is not worth the hype. It's something to see, I guess, but don't walk inside unless you NEED a souviner like the shitty magnet I bought. The only other thing you'll find is a basketball court and that makes as much sense as building a fucking building out of corn.

Man, South Dakota is the weirdest state I've been to yet. Good thing you guys have Deadwood or else I would have to wonder what the point of it all was.

After diving head first into the strip club culture of Portland, my friend Ryan and I were still jonesing for strange girls and cheap food as we left town and headed toward California. Of course we didn't leave the state of Oregon with out further embracing our desire for weird situations. Thanks to the helpful strip club directory in the mind blowing Exotic magazine (Portland strip club fanzine) we found the Silver Dollar as we tried to get out of Oregon with a little dignity and cash left.

This place OWNS! We rolled in for lunch and both of our meals were under five bucks, leaving me enough to tip a day shift dancer for the first time. To top that off the bartender hooked Ryan up with a free beer and the five star chef charged his i-pod in the kitchen as we ate.

"For my money, the best ham and cheese sandwich in America is at the Silver Dollar." Truer words... truer words!

That dude Bruce is right on, this is what taking a bite out of Cleveland would taste like minus the arson and holding the homeless population.

Man, peirogis are awesome and when you cover that shit in sauerkraut it's even better. This is the place to load up on all of that amazing food from immigrant countries. The sausage is a good way to get fat and stay happy while the decor is mix between your grandparent's basement and Drew Carey's den.

A place to visit if you live in Cleveland or if you're passing through (and if you are, you should probably just consider staying for good).

This place has easily snuck its way into my heart and I proudly declare it the coolest place in Los Angeles. I just started playing golf a month or so ago when my roommate and I stopped here to check out the menu at the diner connected to the course. When we saw how dirt cheap it was to play a game of golf we decided to embark on a new hobby. I've been there at least once every week since.

I still blow but I blow while drinking forties or pushing a cooler full of beer and fried chicken in front of me. What do you do on your days off? I hope it's as fun, drunk and tasty as that. My friend Adam almost got a hole in one the other day after knocking his ball off of a fence, there's a house cat that's been getting real friendly next to the bikini hole where we saw some some side boob (if you've played there you know what I'm talking about) and, to top that off, Dustin had two birdies in a row today.

I want to spread my golfin' wings and try another course but, really, why do I need to do that? This place is up my alley.

My friend and I were bidding our time before a recent Sunday afternoon game of golf on Los Feliz. I had already put a dent in a 32 OZ of High Life as we putted around waiting for our third. Anyway, we ended up at the Roost for a beer to speed things up. If you can't tell, we are scumbags, and, of course, we fell in love with this bar from the get go.

The red lights, red booths and cheap(ish) beers made me feel at home and the free popcorn and tough looking chick bartender made me feel like I was in heaven. Pretty fucking rad, I must say. I'll be coming back.

FYI though dudes, the TV is not really that big but whatever. That's the breaks, right?

One of the biggest things I looked forward to doing in Los Angeles was whale watching. I went to a bluff and watched from there with a whole bunch of other cheap thrill seakers and it was a let down. So I sucked it up and had my mom pay for the two of us to hit up a whale watching cruise together. I'm still cheap.

We went with Redondo Sport Fishing because it was close to us. I didn't know what to expect but I was hoping to be eaten by an orca or, at least, crushed by a leaping gray whale. No such luck but somehow, even after living to talk about, I had a good time.

The boat ride was calm and there were a lot of sea lions to look at. We only had a glimpse of a fin whale but that was still shocking compared to seeing Walleyes back home (Fish Ohio sized walleye included). If nothing else it was a mere $14 for a three hour cruise around the area. Great views and a weird sense that something is going to happen even if it never does.

I went at the end of the grey whale migration so it might have been bad timing. I totally suggest giving this a shot if you're bored on a day off from work. Thanks mom.