Jason "That doesn't even make any sense!!!" K.'s Profile

Where can you see an homage of Marilyn Monroe crooning Obama, a Muppet addicted to shooting up cookie dough, and a clown stripping all in one evening? Red Hots! That's where! It's like something Terry Gilliam might think up after shooting 12 cc's of David Lynch's cerebrospinal fluid into his eyeball.

This is kind of show which delights all of your senses and sensibilities. The creative output you get in an hour and a half at this show beats anything else the city has to offer.

Make sure you don't miss the wacked out, amazing and raunchy videos that Val Killmore puts together to entertain those who show up early. (and definitely catch any show Ophelia Coeur de Noir performs in.... *rawwrr*... "her boobies are one of Earth's natural wonders" - another audience member).

Awesome event. We should play dress up with masks more often. It was far less awkward having sex in the bathroom knowing we wouldn't recognize each other afterwards.

Also, you bitches looked supa-hawt!

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I can't believe I'm motivated finally to actually writing a damn review, but I'm PO'd.

Seriously, you have to be a mental case if you think this is a classic swing instruction class. "Swing Goth" is just a freaking moniker for partners dancing to modern styles of music.

The lessons are novel and a lot of fun as I experienced when I crashed the event for my birthday party. Everyone had a great time as was witnessed by the laughter and jovial nature of those participating.

If you've read the website and show up expecting to learn the Carolina Shag to "It Don't Mean a Thing", then please do humanity a favor and don't breed.

kthxbai!

So I don't get to eat and barely drink because I'm your photographer bitch the whole evening AND now I have to write a witty review to satisfy you all?!?

Screw that! I'm just linking to my flickr account from now on.

http://www.flickr.com/...

Now UFC me, dammit!!!

(ps: i love you)

Ach mein Gott, AK is such a camera whore!

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Yet she fails to take a single bad shot. That's just incredible... to the point of being creepy. There must have been some kind of Faustian bargain made here.

Disclaimer: My roommate is a bartender here. Be nice to her or I will cut you!

Would I normally find myself regularly in a place like this? Not really. However, after a slew of events bringing me here and now with my connections to the owners/staff through my roommate, for better or worse. I've grown fond of it.

The normal crowd is not quite to my taste, but the staff is great. You will need to be forewarned that depending on the night the scene can vary from hyphy, to standard electronica, to something resembling a Dubai discotheque.

The drinks come strong and quick, but the space around the bar can get claustrophobic when the big crowds roll in past 11 on a weekend. Otherwise the space is open and I would highly recommend it for private events.

The area is sketchy, but you are just across the street from the entrance to the civic center BART station and I haven't had any problems so far.

If you happen to come in on one of those nights where the crowd gets a bit too surreal, you can always jump across the corner for Mr. Smiths.

Well look at that... I wrote an actual "useful" fucking review. You better recognize! However, this review is definitely NOT funny, so don't be hitting that "funny" button. I don't need your pity, bitches.

There seems to have been some perception by the majority of the straight men of Yelp that this event had nothing to offer to them.

To these men, I suppose I understand your conflict. On the one hand, you have hordes of gorgeous Yelp women being pampered, drinking wine, high on sugar from the truffles and loosened up with back and foot massages. On the other hand... well I suppose the "other hand" was your date last night.

Quite the dilemma, indeed!

ADDENDUM: After consultation with Phil, we agree that this was a horrible, awful event. You straight guys made the right decision to stay away and leave so few of us poor dudes to fend for ourselves. Just a tip... treat your date well and remember to always use water based (not oil!) products.

PS: If there is a hell, it probably looks something like this.
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Two words:

Lauren S

[note: see NISHisHOT's review]

This was the first stop after my unbirthday brunch at Foreign Cinema. I must caution that I use the term "first stop" loosely.

What actually happened was that after trying to herd our large group of cats (albeit the coolest cats), we spent nearly an hour between deciding to leave, figuring out who was going, proposing various locations in Mission, AK deciding on Revolution Caf, Starla getting distracted after seeing a Yelp Elite sticker with the name "Drunkard" stuck to the door of an apartment, Starla knocking on said door, Starla panicking and running away when someone actually came down to answer it, Starla returning and finding her courage to engage in conversation with the poor confused guy who answered the door regarding the sticker, most of us finally arriving at Revolution cafe and deciding it was too mellow, AK telling us about the new promised land, me gathering stragglers who had been lost to the shiny baubles in the local stores, and FINALLY we arrive at Medjool's! (back again next door to Foreign Cinema). Phew!

Continuing our theme of sunny afternoon drinking our party disgorges out the elevator onto the roof deck of the building. I am struck at first by the sight of a man prancing around inside a large circle of seated patrons. Let's call him Mister Happy McCracky. Remember the character Brian who worked at a TGIF-like establishment in Office Space? Say we boil that guy alive in a big pot (*sniffle*) and then distill down into a pure crystalline form. Crush those crystals of over-exuberance into a fine powder, put in a baggie and then conveniently "lose" on the bathroom counter in the chode establishment of your choice. Quicker than you can say "nose candy surprise", Mr. Happy McCracky (MHM) will fly out.

Wow! What can I say? MHM just would NOT stop bounding about. He saw our large party and his eyes beamed with delight at seeing his new potential victims arrive. My fight or flight instincts were on full alert as he leaped like a gazelle towards us and insisted we join the "circle of friends". I survey the poor saps in the existing circle. A motley bunch of clubbers who had gone on much too long after the party ended. They definitely were not in their element in bright sterilizing sun. The contrast with the giddy MHM was stark. He really REALLY insisted on entertaining us, his new bestest friends forever, with his all singing all dancing extravaganza. He sat on laps (including mine), forcibly made new arrivals join "The Trust Circle" and made everyone feel very special indeed. The same kind of special that your creepy excitable uncle made you feel like back when you were a kid.

However, we were loud and obnoxious enough ourselves to keep the distraction to a low hum. With so much sun it was great to be out on a deck anywhere. Given the clientele I doubt I'd like this place much at night, but it certainly proved entertaining during daylight hours. With the price of drinks and that it's cash-only (WTF?!?) I really can't recommend it in general, except for the freak shows.

What can one say about how blessed I am to have such fantastic friends? I feel truly unworthy.

So the wonderful and fabulous Joy decided to throw an "unbirthday" brunch for me after my crazy drama-filled birthday weekend. I won't go into the details, but let me just say, after all that happened I'm really looking forward to "mellowing" out at Burning Man later this month. So after presenting me with a few options, she planned the time, location & invites for the decompression event at Foreign Cinema.

The weather? Beautiful! Thank you, Joy. I didn't realize you had such pull with those particular gods. I really need to hire you for my next vacation. The truffle omelet was really incredible. Jennifer, our waitress, was particularly doting to our rambunctious crew.

My wonderful friends get a 5-star review all to themselves. UFC!!! I received gifts and a card that everyone had signed. It included promises of sexual favors they were going to perform on me later (Starla, how did you know a football in the groin was one of my favorite fetishes?!?). How sweet of them! Who doesn't enjoy the gift of sex? Other than Morissey... oh and probably immediate family... unless you're from Alabama that is.

We continued the rest of the day at Medjool's and then Bar Amir's... where, as is our want, everything devolved the usual route. However, that one moment of peace, on a quiet sunny day, eating brunch with my favorite people... it will always be a treasured memory of mine.

PS: Eric, I have your gift penciled in for the 18th. How does that fit your schedule?