Tom "I'm not an enigma; I'm a contradiction" B.'s Profile

Got kids?  Cover their eyes and ears.  This review is about to get chureaky!  What?  It's a real word.  Look it up.  Anyway... I love this place.  I go here quite a bit these days.   Asian fusion.  Nice bar area.  Stuck inside a mall next to Ralph's.  The food is awesome.

I tend to get the same thing most nights - an order of pot stickers (steamed and pan spanked, er... fried ... until they're just melt-in-your-mouth delicious), beef skewers (tender, wet; reminds me of Chinese pork jerky), rice rolls (the sauce is so yummy for my tummy that I sometimes dip my fingers in by accident and then, well... I start licking my fingers and it gets out of control), house special fried rice (oh how I love the taste of you) and the Cantonese Chur Fun (should be renamed Chur Damn Right I'm Fun). Perfectly grilled pieces of succulent beef.  In fact, I like to fill up my tub with Chur Fun and then just kind of sit right in and luxuriate (by candlelight) on a spicy bed of enticing noodles.

The soups are good, too.  The staff is friendly.  Great happy hour!

Oh, uh... I lied.  "Chureaky" isn't really a word.  Deal with it.

I love Peruvian food.  It's up there with Indian and Cajun as my favorite cuisine.  Makes me want to don a Scottish accent and say "GET IN MY BELLY!!!" in true Fat Bastard style. Everything is so rich and flavorful.

I'd heard a lot of good things about Inka Mama's, so I took my girl there today for lunch. It's in a strip mall by Staples.  Very clean.  Nice decor.  We had the Empanadas, Lomo Saltado, Arroz con Pollo and a small bowl of Aquadito de Pollo soup.  They gave us some bread and the green aji sauce.  If you don't know what aji sauce is, let me explain; it's liquid crack.  Dip your bread in it.  Put it on your rice.  Take it home and bathe in it.

This is the best Peruvian place I've been to yet.  The Arroz con Pollo was incredible.  The chicken was so tender and that beer sauce... mmmm.  I said this in a review of another Peruvian joint, but aguadito is the best chicken soup in the world.  It's got rice, cilantro, lime juice and a bit of a kick.   Oh... make sure you ask for some plantains, too; I'm not sure if they're on the menu, but they're so good.  I'll definitely be back.

I'm surrounded by grocery stores.  Albertsons.  Ralphs.  Like a bunch of them.  If all I want are canned goods, I'll go there.  The produce isn't bad, either.  Meat, however, sucks at those stores.  Sucks sucks sucks.  Enter Gelson's.  It's a grocery store fit for a Virgo.  Super clean.  Super inviting. Every can faces the same way (think "Sleeping with the Enemy").  The chicken breasts have every bit of fat trimmed from them.  The steaks and pork chops (even the chuck roast) ... all perfect.  Even the fish is superb.

Truth is... I'd probably go to Whole Foods if it wasn't the parking lot from Hell. That, and... I'm not really an organic guy, so Whole Foods loses me when I want a can of Campbell's (say that twice) or any brand name.   I like that Gelson's is easy to navigate; you're in and out. They also have a nice deli area with daily staples such as beef stew and prime rib.

The staff smiles.  They're helpful.  They remember you.  They know how to bag groceries.  Ice cream gets put in a small paper bag... by itself.  Meat... by itself.  Cold stuff... with cold stuff.  Each time I go somewhere else, I'm amazed at how clueless they are. Gelson's gets it right.  It's expensive, yes... but I know they're all about quality.  

I can only get Tate's cookies at Gelson's. I can only get McConnell's ice cream at Gelson's.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're missing out.  BEST COOKIES EVER!  BEST ICE CREAM EVER!  Period.  Don't even mess with me.  I will fight you to the death!  Seriously, though... try them.  You'll understand why we go here.

Note: If you're going to try Tate's (Hamptons) and McConnell's (Santa Barbara)...

Tate's: Macadamia Nut, Chocolate Chip, Oatmeal Raisin
McConnell's: Peppermint Stick, Turkish Coffee

Shhhh... come close.  Before I tell you about this place, you have to swear to secrecy.  I'm not joking around.  I'll get the black hood and the goat if I need to.  Ok.  Here's the lowdown ... the skinny ... the 411 ... on Wholesome Choice. Yes, it's a grocery store.  Yes, they have stuff - lots and lots of stuff.  I don't shop here, though.  I'm right down the road, but I go to Gelsons or one of the Albertsons to shop; it's waaaaaaaaay too crowded here.  I'm talking a sea of people bumping into each other - carts against carts.  It ain't pretty.   You go in and you may not make it out alive.

Still with me?  Good.  Drop the beer and the chips.  What you want is the food court.  Oh... I hear you.  "What the hell do I want with a food court?", you ask.  First of all... don't talk to me like that; I'm sensitive and I might cry.  It's not your average food court, my friend.  Take my hand.  It's ok.  Let me walk you around.  See those signs up above?  It's like traveling around the world ... only... you're not really traveling around the world.

Anyway... they have an American station that features tender, delicious pot roast.  Spaghetti, too.  Mac and Cheese.  It's all homemade.   Next up... Greek.  Their gyros is so good you'll be singing "Mamma Mia" and thinking you're on some strange little island with Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan.  You're not, though ... so chill out.  Again with the travel.  Ugh.

They have a Thai station, an Indian station, Chinese and Italian. The best, however, is the Persian.  It's also the busiest.  Swarms and swarms of hot, sweaty people standing around like they want to make sweet love to that food.  Since we're sharing... I'll confess that I, too, want to join that happy kabob parade and lie around in a bed of saffron rice. The Indian folks are more than welcome to bring over their tasty samosas wrapped in love.  Freaky freaky food time.

Let's keep this between us, ok?  It's already packed with people; we don't need the masses finding out about this place.   No sacrifice today.  I won't even make you pinky swear.  I trust that you'll be cool.  Oh, and... uh... we don't need to discuss the saffron "incident".  I have a reputation to protect. Yeah?  Excellent.

I saw that Steve M reviewed this place and felt that I had to chime in.  I have to admit that his review irked me.  That's right... I was irked.  How dare he go and get a kobe burger and fries and not DEMAND that I read that review!  I had no idea they had it on the menu.  I'm salivating now.  Yes... that's drool. He is absolutely correct; this place is tranquil and very relaxing.  I can't imagine a more romantic setting.  Ask to sit outside on the patio.  You're literally just above the sand.  The food's ok.  They have a pretty good selection, but you're here for the view.  To be honest, I'd go just for the bar - and have. They open the windows wide.  Candles on every table.  With the waves crashing below and martini in hand... it's like a mini-vacation.  I want that kobe burger now.  Damn.

Small portions.  A bit overpriced.  Wait.  Why 4 stars, then?   The food is f'ing amazing... that's why.  It's my favorite Indian restaurant.  Nice and intimate.  The owner is very friendly.  The staff hustle and aim to please.  Everything tastes great here - from the keema samosas ("pastry turnovers filled with minced lamb, herbs and spices") and garlic naan (they have 6 different kinds of naan!) to the tikka masala and habanero vindaloo.  The chicken is all white meat and tender as can be.  The sauces are yummy.   If you want to try something unique, order the tandoori smoked babyback ribs.  Bathed in a mango-ginger marinade, they fall off the bone. For dessert, try the mango creme brulee.  

There are cheaper places, but few as good as Clay Oven...

Wow.  Ok...  It's located in the Michelson Marketplace.  It looks sad.  There's a "Fluff N' Fold" there.  A cleaners.  Yeah, wow.   The kind of place you'd look at and think "oh hell no."  Oh hell YES!  My Yelp brethren, I am here to witness.  Pull up a chair.  I have traveled a long, hungry road.  I've been in the dark.  This food court is the light.  Jah came to me in my sleep last night and said "dude, go get your Chippy chips on."

Chippy who?  Chippy what?  The Chippy Fish & Chips. I've died and gone to fried food heaven.  I went here for lunch today - to this tiny, crappy little mall. There, in big letters, I saw it... "Food Court".   I got out of my Ferrari (it's my review), let my dogs Zeus and Apollo run wild and headed in.  I have to say... I was quite surprised.  It looks so small from the outside, but the food court is ginormous (well... for the property).    There were TONS of places to eat.  Japanese, Thai. Pasta.  Some Asian joint, Cal Chop, that is like a Panda Express for people that actually want a good meal.

Then I spied Chippy - just like I saw in my dream.  The folks behind the counter were all dressed in Chippy shirts.  Super friendly.  Organized.  You can order fish & chips, fried jumbo shrimp and fried chicken (tons of sides, as well... like hush puppies, clam chowder, salad, cole slaw). I like me my fried foods, so I ordered one of everything.  Brothers and sisters, huddle up.  Until now, I've always gone to Fish Grill for this kind of stuff.  Their salmon is great, but I usually get the fried fish and shrimp, too. No more.  You hear me?  No more.  Hasta la vista, La Fisha Grilla.   Chippy has THE BEST FRIED FISH and THE BEST FRIED SHRIMP I've ever had in my entire life - that includes all my other lives, as well.  I have no idea what they put it in that batter, but it's PERFECT!  DELICIOUS!

I'm the kind of guy who drowns his fried fish in lemon juice and won't eat fried shrimp without a healthy amount of cocktail sauce.  It was so good, by itself, that anything else (including tartar sauce) would have ruined it.  Fresh, too.  They give you nice size fish filets and the jumbo shrimp is jumbo.  That batter, though. Oh Mama.  The fried chicken... also good.

The best part?  The prices.  $5-$10 and you'll be full.   M-F: 11:00 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.

Next time I visit, I'm ordering a few thousand fried jumbo shrimp.

Well... I've said "fried" enough for one night.  Go in peace, my friends.

Best.  Deep Dish.  Pizza.  Ever.  Like ever.  In like the world.  Or beyond.

The soft, buttery crust.  The thick sauce.  The sauteed mushrooms.  The seasoned Italian sausage. The cheese.  Oh sweet Cheesus... the cheese.  So gooey.  Anyway... I don't live in the city anymore.  I saw one too many episodes of Baywatch and escaped the Winter cold to Cali.  They said it was the place you ought to be.  Swimming pools.  Movie stars.  Yeah.  There's no Lou Malnati's here, though.  They forgot to mention that.  I don't like them very much now.  

If you're reading this, chances are you're in Chicago (or headed there) and you're trying to decide where to eat.  Are you kidding me?  Stop.  THIS is the place you ought to be.  Look at the pictures.  It's ok to drool.  Just go.

I don't hate it, but I'm not sure that I like it.  Yet... I keep going here every now and then and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.  Sorry... back on the meds.  First off... I am pretty sure that naming your restaurant a "plantation" is not a good thing and, second of all... I'm also pretty sure soup was never grown on one.   Then, again... I thought Hugh Grant was the 18th President of the United States ("wow... he's aged well").  Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe "lantation" is a word and probably why I don't play Scrabble.

You walk in, grab a tray and it's like a really small, poor Vegas buffet.  You choose your salad; they're not too bad.  You pay.  You take your tray and fill up on breads, soup and pasta.  You get a drink and sit down by all the kiddies.  Now... I love kids - just so long as I don't see them or hear them.

I don't like the breads, so I usually skip that section.  The soup is ok.  The chicken noodle has fat noodles and big chunks of chicken; it's the one thing I fill up on most.  Their chili is so so.  The pasta usually sucks, but I liked a cajun one they had recently.  In fact, I kept saying "huh, I like this."  I don't know if the other diners really cared, but I like to make friends.  People person, you know.  For dessert... it's ice cream and cookies.  The chocolate chip cookies are probably the best thing there.  Warm, moist.

If you're into soups and salads, go for it.  Don't expect much, though.

I've been putting off reviewing Maggiano's as, well... it's like admitting that I eat at Claim Jumper (I do; DAMN!).  Chain restaurant.  Located in a mall.  A step above Olive Garden and Buca di Beppo.   It's actually pretty good.  You get huge portions.  If you're in a group, order to share.  I've been here a few times.  I LOVE (underscore, highlight, put in bold ... LOVE) the Mushroom Ravioli al Forno; their menu says it's "ravioli stuffed with mushrooms, onions, marsala wine, parmesan cheese and baked with alfredo sauce until golden brown."  Uh huh.  Whatever.  My belly just says "it's freaking good."  They have some of the best spaghetti, though mine is better (PM for recipe). The "Mom's Lasagna"... takes me home to days of Speed Racer, being snowed in and, well... my Mom's lasagna wasn't this good ... but it's a flashback, so it was the BEST lasagna ever.  Their Italian Pot Roast is quite tasty, too.

They also have a "To Go" area.  While I've eaten there a lot (here and in Chicago), I actually get it to go most nights.  It's not far from work.  Make sure you ask for bread (they give you an entire loaf).  Don't worry about spilling.  They seal and re-seal and seal, again. It will take you 5 minutes just to get the saran wrap off.     Should you go?  Absolutely.  It's a nice place for a birthday or dinner/drinks after work.   The food is excellent.