Lynn "http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oheYlkHA528" F.'s Profile

The food may be cheap and available late at night, but so are back-alley hookers.  And you don't want to touch either of them.  

I ordered a black bean burrito from here once and ended up with a tortilla log full of Uncle Ben's Minute Rice and black mush.  Also, please note that "filled with guacamole, sour cream, lettuce, and salsa" actually means "lukewarm versions of these condiments will be served on the side of a dripping Styrofoam container."

That's right! It's so cheap you're not even paying for labor!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: The Saddest Do-It-Yourself Burrito In The World.

*smacks forehead*

I'm going to go take out my feelings of betrayal ("yummy" taco?!) and hunger on a stray kitten.  Don't tell PETA.

I had you last night and now I can't stop thinking about you.  This isn't just infatuation.  This is REAL.  My friends even had a good time hanging around you and they're picky as hell.  You are something special.

I think I love you,
Lynn

PS. I can't wait to be inside you again *wink*

Dear Mr. Softee Truck,

It is Yom Kippur and I am fasting, so STOP PLAYING YOUR EVIL SIREN SONG RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW.  I have heard the same 16 notes on repeat for about... 25 minutes now.  Please stop before I maul the little kids in line and devour all of your products.

Thank you,
Lynn F.

PS.  Your mascot is creepy.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta- even if it's only for the 3 minutes it takes to order and consume a portion of cajun fries.

Oh, Bedford-Stuyvesant.  There's something oddly charming about speaking to a cashier through a bulletproof glass wall and doing the money-food exchange through a tiny bulletproof turnstyle while sirens are screaming in the background.  One can't help feeling hardcore.  I quell the urge to lie to the teenage punks behind me and say: "Those cops are after me, yo.  Oh what, you don't believe me?  You don't KNOW ME, son. I am THE REASON that Crown Fried Chicken put this pane of glass up."  

It's a very special moment for a 5'2" girl.  

And when I walk away from the building, tearing my teeth into a piping hot pizza roll, it makes all those years of awkward asian orthodontry worthwhile.   I am one with my neighborhood. I am a baller.  I am Bed-Stuy.

A fresh slice from Artichoke = delicious, cheesy agony.   To echo Audrey's review:

The roof! The roof! The roof [of my mouth] is on fire!

It's 4:30 in the morning and I'm definitely past the point of caring, but the 6 year old in me is going:

"What the f-  I did not  study my crayola colors to let White Castle pass off this meat as brown.  That is TIMBERWOLF GRAY, Lynn! Don't be fooled by the man!"

Shut up, inner child.

"I hate you and I'm running away!"

You'll be back.  OM NOM NOM NOM.

After mooching a bite of Pino's "Fresh Mozzarella" slice last week, I was possessed by the desire to obtain a full slice. PLEASE NOTE:  I do not use the word 'possessed' lightly.   Something evil actually took hold of me. Yesterday, I...

1) Let my dining partner order a sicilian slice at Smiley's Pizza
2) Waited until they finished paying to tell them I was going to Pino's
3) Made them walk an extra quarter mile to satiate my appetite.

The reasoning behind taking these 3 steps?  So they wouldn't mooch a bite off of my slice.  And yes, I realize the hypocrisy in that statement.

Oh, Pino's pizza. So good it'll turn you into a jerk.

****EDIT:  See my date auction video at http://www.youtube.com... (it's safe to watch at work)****

"HEY BIG SPENDER!
Spend a little time with me"

The winner of the Lynn F package deal will not only be serenaded with this song- they will also receive:

...A gift honoring your generous donation to the cause
...A night of schmoozing at a sexy bar... or a place like Marie's Crisis, if that's up your alley (Please let that be up your alley! [That's what she said.])
...Food to soak up the alcohol at a location of your choice
...An online photo album dedicated to our night together, with clever captions guaranteed to make your significant other/friends/family/landlord/cat jealous.

Here are some Lynn Facts to entice you prospective buyers:

1) I can probably drink you under the table. That's right. It's a challenge.
2) My nickname while growing up used to be "bambi" for my large, doe-shaped eyes.  That changed in high school to "bamb-adonkadonk" for my large... yeah. ~_^
3) I was Little Miss Washington D.C. of 1993.  You could have a night with a former pageant queen!
4) I am nocturnal almost to the point where I can use sound waves to detect objects in the dark.  So there will be no curfew on our date...
5) I am 5'2"- and although "good things come in small packages," the BEST things come in small asian-and-jewish-themed packages.  Betcha didn't know that part of the saying, did you?
6) I act, sing, and dance... and have been known to whip out my tap shoes while drunk... and challenge breakdancers to a battle.  The potential amusement factor of the evening is very, very high.

So whip out your wallets, boys and girls, and make a good contribution to The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society!

"And if you're real good
I'll make you feel good
I'd want your spirit to climb
So let me entertain you
And we'll have a real good time, yessir!"

We'll have a real good time...

It was closed.

I was pissed.

See this pic: http://static.px.yelp....

~*~

Edit: In case you didn't notice the first time, it's "comming soon."  Teehee.

Grimaldi's: A Cautionary Tale/Review

You have been warned in advance- there's a buffer zone of about 10 minutes when the pizza at is mindblowingly delicious.  And I mean that in the dirtiest way possible.  After the first bite, all of the pleasure centers within my brain were sent into overdrive by the smooth stings of mozarrella, crispy woodfired crust, and naughty garlic kick.

My date: So how do you like the pizza?
Me (trembling): I... I need a few minutes alone with... yeah...

He seemed amused, as a native of Brooklyn who had frequented Grimaldi's enough times to eat their pizza and be a coherent human being.  Lucky bastard.  

I, on the other hand, grew up in the suburbs of Maryland on Papa John's pizza.  I had NO IDEA how to form words with my mouth when there was a sexy sauce-y party going on inside. So I resorted to the old standby of Smiling And Nodding to my dinner partner while I scarfed down the first two slices.  Unfortunately, the uber-thin crust pizza was getting cold at an alarming rate.  I made the mistake of taking a few seconds to laugh and was punished with a horrifying bite of congealed mozzarella.

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It's an intense race against the clock at Grimaldi's.  Next time, I'll come with a stopwatch and a 3rd person to pick up the pleasantries as I chew.