Phil "I Yelped Your Mom Last Night" E.'s Profile

I would give them no stars but apparently I can't. I have never been as disappointed or infuriated by a company's customer support as I have been with Dish Network over the past week or so. They managed to alienate me as a customer before I even was able to flip on my TV. Their customer service was so disorganized, communication so awful, not to mention unreliable and unprofessional, that I never did get my dish or equipment installed. I have a timeline of the events below and I don't post it as slander but, more, to hopefully prevent any of you from going through the same thing and maybe inspiring Dish Network to provide better service to their customers or potential customers.

(1) Technician arrives on Tuesday to install. First he notes that he doesn't know if he'll be able to install the dish on the wall outside - even though two other people in the condo complex have dishes on the same wall. Says he doesn't have the right mounts or braces or some kind of equipment with him. Then he says that even if he could put up the dish, he'd have to either run the cable through one of my windows and all along my floor boards / walls (which, in this case, probably amounts to at least 40 feet of cable and would cross the doorway to a closet) or he'd have to bust open the Comcast Cable box downstairs, which he doesn't have a key to, to access the TV jacks I do have in my walls. Then he tells me I need to call and reschedule an appointment.

(2) I call up and explain the situation to a "Customer Service Rep". Understand that their call center is in bumblefuck India or somewhere in Asia and these people barely speak English - let alone comprehend the very specific issue I'm having with the locked Comcast box and the wiring that I'm trying to explain to them. They try to get me to be the third party in terms of communication between them and Comcast - trying to coordinate a time when both of them can be at the condo complex at the same time so Comcast can let them into the box to access the wiring and they can do what they need to do. When you realize that both companies give the "... anytime between 12pm and 5pm ..." timeframe, you realize this is, of course, a lost cause. So I tell them they should probably try and take care of this coordination. They tell me that a local installation technician (i.e. one of the guys who actually comes out to do the install) will call me the following day to discuss the matter. He never does.

I do, in good faith, call Comcast and they are willing to unlock the box and let them have access to the cables. Comcast agrees to come out Saturday morning and unlock the box. In fairness to Comcast, they did come out and unlock the box on Saturday as promised.

(3) I call Dish on Thursday to see what the hell is going on with the technician who didn't call and to try reschedule an appointment. They assign me an installation time of Friday during the day (12pm - 5pm). I try and explain to "Gary" the technical situation and tell him: "Understand me - running 40+ feet of cable along my floors is NOT a viable option. And the Comcast box will NOT be open on Friday. Do you understand me?" and he says, "Yes" that he is speaking to the technician and they have ways to make it work and that the technician will call me to confirm. I reluctantly agree. They never do call me nor do the technicians EVER show up on Friday. When I call late on Friday to find out what is going on, they inform me that somehow the installation appointment was never added to the system. I'm furious and they say they will come out the following day, Saturday, between 12pm - 5pm to do the installation. At this point, I am already infuriated but I agree to give them one last opportunity to make things right.

(4) I call Dish on Saturday at 12:30 pm to make SURE that my appointment is in the system this time. "Jim" tells me that no - it somehow isn't in the system.. again .. I let him have it because, for me, this is the last straw and demand to speak to a supervisor. I am connected to a supervisor - an American named Aaron (Operator 1WA) who speaks English (presumably at a different call center) - and I explain the situation and disappointed and frustrated I am at the awful service. He informs me that the technician hub network is different from the customer service network - that they aren't sync-ed up - and the appointment is actually in the system and will be happening today between 12pm - 5pm. He also tells me he is talking to the technician hub and that they will call me to verify the appointment.

(5) They never call me. They never show up to do the installation. I call them back at 4:30 and ask them what the hell is going on. "Mike" tells me that the appointment wasn't in the system and the soonest they could get back out here is tomorrow. I absolutely lose my cool on them, speak to a supervisor and a "Loyalty Specialist" both of whom I end up telling to shove the dish up their ass. Then I write them an irate e-mail.

As you may have guessed from my seemingly "stunning" ability to merge into a lane of traffic properly, my moderate knowledge of the Spanish language, my ability to maintain my relative calm when approached by someone who isn't white (I actually find white people scarier. Don't believe me? Two words: Dick Cheney. Now there's a horrifying honky.), and my initial shock when offered tartar sauce as a condiment to french fries (a pleasant surprise I might add), I'm not from the NorthWest. I'm from Southern California. To be fair, though - I live here because I love it up here and moved from there because I hated it. So I kid you, dear NorthWest, because I love.

Why am I telling you all of this? Simply to bag on white people because they're so lame? Actually, yes. But I figured while I was on the topic, I would write up a review of Mama's Mexican Kitchen - one of a precious few Mexican joints I've found up here in the NorthWest that I enjoy.

In Los Angeles, there are Mexican joints on every corner. Three to a block. With colorful names like "El Presidente de Pantalones", "Queso de Amor", and "Viva Zapatos Gigante!". They're everywhere. Why? Well.. I'm no Dom DeLuise, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with the area's close proximity to Mexico. This is why donuts and Molson are so easy to come by here in the NorthWest, eh. But Mexican joints up here in the NorthWest generally leave a lot to be desired - I.E. Only in the NorthWest could Azteca (where their salsa is Ragu) and Taco Time (where their hot sauce is some kind of orange sweet and sour gel and their "chips" are tater tots) flourish. What I like about Mama's is it's a taste of home - it's California style Mexican food. It's just like one of those three to a block Mexican joints in L.A. - not 4-Star Zagat prissy yuppie crud, but just dependably decent Mexican food.

A Mexican restaurant can be judged by the quality of it's salsa. If the salsa blows, then arr, matey - so will the meal. Mama's has good salsa. It's a bit watery than I normally like, but the taste is great. Not overly tomato-y or stale tasting and not overly processed (ala store bought), just good. The food comes out fast, choice of beans, lots of cheese, vegetarian choices (even Tofu Fajitas - which the thought of, frankly, makes me want to throw a squirrel into a vat of Miracle Whip) for the non-carnivore, and most of all tasty. Can't ask for much more than that. Okay.. You can, but I'm still not taking off my clothes.

Ambience is quirky - Elvis themed items everywhere, posters, loud colors, gaudy tablecloths - but fun. The people who work there are cool and always friendly. At the risk of sounding like a fancy lad, I am a sucker for their strawberry margaritas. Tastes like they use real strawberries (likely frozen) which is a refreshing change from most places. Open late. Oh and only a few doors down from Shorty's, my favoritest bar. Plus the name alone inspires many a "mama" joke when you're sitting down for dinner - and those never get old. Unlike your mama.

While I know many will disagree with me on this review, I feel there's one thing we can all agree on: We all miss Jell-O Pudding Pops.

I've now been to Hattie's Hat twice - once was a lunch meeting with my business partners, the other was a dinner with one of those business partners / close friend (and yelper), two lovely yelp ladies, and one lovely - as lovely as he could be - yelp dude. It was sort of like Three's Company, actually. There was a Janet, a Chrissy, my buddy was Jack, the other yelp dude was Larry and I.. Well.. I was Mr. Roper.

Both times there, I believe I ordered the burger and a beer. I know. Boring. Well screw you, commie! You got a problem with a little beef between the buns? Hmm.. There has to be a better way to phrase that.

The interior is homey and eccentric. Aquariums, random weird stuff on the walls - not that fancy-lad-vomit-crap like you find at a TGI Friday's, but relatively cool items, posters, etc. The servers are friendly, cool, and laid back. The food is good - not the greatest food on earth, but pretty good, dependable pub food. The meatloaf looked pretty good and I was tempted by the chicken fried chicken. But I didn't want to stuff my face full of greasy food and look like a glutton in front of the two ladies. After all, I was already Mr. Roper remember?

Great location - right in the middle of old Ballard. A short walk to Market Street or to any of the local bars, The Sunset, The Tractor, etc. All in all, a good spot. If you're hungry, this place is perfect. Because they serve food.

I recently read "The 100-Mile Diet". Among other things, it has made me pay much closer attention to where my food comes from and what goes into it. I'm not a "health nut". I'm not a "hippie". I bathe regularly, am overweight, don't have dreads, and don't own a single article of tie dye. But I believe in supporting local farmers, locally made products, and trying my best to buy products that don't contain an inordinate number of preservatives and chemical garbage. As my friend Will once pointed out, I could spend my money on fancy clothes or superficial crap or I could spend that extra money to make sure what I'm stuffing in my yap trap is moderately healthy. I can always get a new shirt. I can't always get a new intestine. I just moved to the Capitol Hill area a year and a half ago and, shortly thereafter, found Madison Market and became a co-op member..

While I don't buy all my groceries exclusively from Madison Market, there are certain things I definitely make an effort to buy there. The first is meat - I enjoy the taste of fresh, local meats. Organic. Grass-fed. All the catch-phrases of the day. Especially with beef, you can taste the difference in quality. Breads - there is no good reason for bread to have more than 3-4 ingredients. Simple. Locally made. Vegetables and fruit. Great quality produce. Teas, spices, beans, rice - a great selection all available in bulk. Eggs and milk - local farms, reasonably priced, ethically processed.

As another yelper pointed out, they also have a large selection of bulk items - everything from shampoos and soaps to olive oil, syrups, and vinegar. If bought in bulk, the soaps / body washes are very reasonable and great for filling up small bottles for travel kits or the like.

It's not the cheapest market in town - you pay a premium for quality of some of the products. I don't buy everything there - I can't afford that. But I do go there for specific items and, for that, it's excellent.

My band, Stay Tuned - A TV Theme Tribute Band - performed at the Red Devil Lounge in 2007 on the way down the coast on a mini-West Coast Tour. We opened for Wonder Bread Five. We had a blast - great crowd and an overall great time.

There are some videos from the RDL performance on our youtube page:

http://www.youtube.com...

The staff at The Red Devil Lounge treated us great and our sound mistress for the evening (whose name, like so many bits of information of any sort of importance in my brain, escapes me) was awesome. Was helpful, cool, and accommodating with our unconventional setup. The stage was a bit crammed and had odd quirks (i.e. pillars obstructing view, wall crevices forcing amps to be placed awkwardly, etc.) but we've played in much worse situations.

Load out was a breeze and we hung around for about 30 minutes of WB5's set - we had to jet out of there that night to make some headway on our route to L.A. for the next night's show - and had a few drinks, took a few photos, and hung out with some fans in the crowd. There was a group of rather tall "ladies" eye-ing our drummer. On closer examination, they may not have been ladies. But hey - he's a drummer.. He'll take what he can get.

All in all, a great time, a fun venue. We'll definitely check in with them on our next tour down the coast.

Meh. That's my feeling about this store in one word: Meh!

When I first moved up to Seattle, I found myself looking for small furniture items - lamps, end tables, etc. And I like my furniture like I like my women - quirky and reasonably priced. I waltzed into Area 51 and found, to my surprise, very reasonably priced retro antique lamps and end tables. Perfect! I bought them, brought them home, and been happy with them every since. But somewhere along the line, the store shifted focus...

While that was several years ago, I've gone in there recently looking for furniture items and found that all the reasonably priced items are gone. Replaced, instead, with severely over priced furniture items - many of which aren't actual antiques or retro but just modern recreations. As someone indicated, a step above IKEA. The problem is how many steps above IKEA they've taken in price.

Now.. I may not be their target demographic. I'm not an interior decorator. I'm not independently wealthy. I don't get the ass-tickles over trendy merchandise. That said, I also have no love left for IKEA and understand I will pay somewhat of a premium for nicer furniture. The question is how much of a premium and can the same or similar merchandise be bought elsewhere for much less. The answer to the latter is: Yes.

There are plenty of reasonably priced retro antique stores in the Fremont / Ballard area - same cool furniture and items and at least half the price. There are also a handful of furniture outlets and antique malls in SODO that seem to have cool merchandise.

If you're looking for interior decorating ideas, then perhaps Area 51 is the place. They have some interesting ideas for decor colors, layouts, patterns, etc. But you'll get more bang for your buck by purchasing the furniture elsewhere.

Just what the doctor ordered. The girlfriend and I stayed there a few years ago on an Oregon coast road trip. The Grand Lodge is a former university - the rooms former classrooms, the movie theater a former presentation room. It's a quirky spot, because of the conversion, but then again I'm a quirky guy.

The enormous front lawn has been converted into a frisbee golf course. While you're staying there, you can snag frisbees and scorecards (with handicaps) from the front desk and spend an afternoon playing frisbee golf. I had never played it before that trip but we had a ton of fun. Plus - one of the two restaurants on the premises is out on the front lawn so you can grab a few of McMenamins tasty beers and drink while you play.

They also have a movie theater upstairs that plays current films for free to people staying at the lodge. A small stand outside the movie theater sells popcorn and, yes more beer, so you can grab a beer and some popcorn and catch a flick.

They have a soaking pool out back for those who like to... well... soak. And, if memory serves, a rec room of sorts - with pool and maybe some video games. We had more fun on the frisbee golf course out in the beautiful NorthWest summer sunshine, though.

The food at the restaurants on campus are your typical McMenamins fare. Pretty good food, pub standards (burgers, wings, sandwiches, salads, tater tots, etc.). Their beers are excellent and definitely worth a try.

The other nice thing is that you're only 20 minutes or so from Portland.

Panos flat out rocks. My parents used to go there when they were younger and, wanting to bring is up right, used to bring us here as well. Their gyros, as others have pointed out, are just killer. Great tzatziki sauce, seasoned meat, tomatoes, all in a warm pita. You simply cannot go wrong. Couple that up with some of their fries and a soda and you can't help but walk away happy.

As far as other Greek items, their Greek Salads are really killer. Fresh veggies and a killer dressing. Feta. Cukes. Tomatoes. If something more on the healthy side is your thing, this is the way to go.

The most surprising thing is that their burgers - and specifically their chili-burger - is also outstanding. In this fat yelper's humble opinion, their chili-burger is second only to Tommy's in L.A. And even then, depending on your style, might be of the same caliber.

Small mom and pop type joint, been there forever. They've prided themselves on great food. Fast and affordable. If you're in the neighborhood, be sure and stop by.

Contrary to what many may think, I don't have an aversion to large chains - markets, restaurants, stores, coffee shops, etc. That's not to say I don't prefer to go to the smaller, local, mom and pop stores, but I would be the first to admit I enjoy the occasional trip to Taco Bell, Target, or Cheesecake Factory. I do, however, have an aversion to establishments, be them large or small, that are deplorable, stinking, raunchy, dire, abominable, ghastly, repellent, steaming mounds of momentous suck. Which brings me to the Applebee's at the Ontario Airport...

One evening I was stranded at the Ontario Airport - I had allowed myself to be bumped to a flight out of Ontario instead of the original Burbank in exchange for a round trip ticket anywhere. I guess I also forgot to mention I'm a cheap-ass and have copious amounts of free time to spend traversing random airports. When I arrived at Ontario, I was hungry and the only thing that appeared to be open was an Applebee's.

I had been to an Applebee's once before, truth be told. In the Santa Clarita Valley - or, as the rest of us Southern Californians call it: The Great White North. It was an abysmal affair. Easily some of the worst food I had ever eaten - and I have eaten at an Arby's. So, needless to say, I went into the Applebee's at the Ontario Airport with some reservations.

I sat down and scanned the menu. Knowing what abhorrent creations passed for food at the other Applebee's, I could only begin to guess what lay in store for me at one tucked away in Terminal 2 at Ontario International - so I looked over the menu for, what I thought, would be items so easy to make that any thick-witted, inadequate, piddling, tuft-brain of a mammal could throw them on a platter in some sort of palatable fashion. Apparently, I over-estimated Applebee's for the second and last time in my life. I ordered a plate of nachos, a green salad, and a soda and awaited my fate - alone in a booth.

Many Sprite refills later, my food finally arrived. I am going to now do my best to describe the food in great detail - not to disgust you, my dear reader, but to provide the kind of detailed assessment of an establishment you've come to expect from me on yelp. I may look and smell like something out of a live bait shop, but I am, if anything, thorough.

GREEN SALAD: False advertising as there was precious little that was "green" in the salad. Not even the lettuce which should've been green was green. It was more orange than green. More machine now than man. Top it off with a small cup full ranch dressing that tasted like armpit and a few slices of beyond over-ripe tomatoes and - baby.. You got yourself a stew going.

NACHOS: For the life of me, I am still baffled by this. And how anyone can screw up nachos is beyond my comprehension. They started with a small layer of stale, multi-colored tortilla chips. The chip layer was then stacked with approximately 2 tablespoons of canned black beans (cold - not cooked), a handful of bagged, thinly grated cheese, and a handful of sliced black olives. Nothing extraordinary so far, but, also, nothing that exactly whets the palette. Then here is what they did.. They added a large handful of shredded lettuce (yes - shredded lettuce) and then stuck the whole thing in a microwave for a few minutes to melt the cheese. What I received was a plate full of stale chips - some soggy with cheese grease - covered in cold, scattered black beans, and a glue-like texture made up of cooked, soggy lettuce and poor quality cheese. No salsa. No sour cream. I tried to cover it up with some Tabasco but to no avail.

Needless to say, if I could give negative stars to an establishment, I would. Hell - if I could mail a buffalo patty with a cherry on top to a an establishment without another restraining order, I would. Much like the small sweeping lady animations at the end of The Carol Burnett Show, this Applebee's experience scarred me for life. Poor service. Extremely poor food. Poor ambience. And now an incredibly poor review. Really poor. Man alive.. this review really sucks. This might be the worst review I've written - and I've reviewed a plastic bottle filled with urine in Northern California.

Chris' and Pitt's. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley. The Chris' and Pitt's on Victory was an institution. My parents went there. Their parents went there. I went there. And everyone was happy. We all had tasty BBQ, homemade blue cheese dressing on our salads, and the tastiest garlic bread and au jus this side of Miami. And then it happened.. A lease wasn't renewed and soon the awesome neon sign was torn down along with a large whole torn in my BBQ sauce artery clogged heart was created - replaced by a cut-and-paste Walgreens. I was saddened. But then, a few months ago, I came home to L.A. to visit my family and my sister was nice enough to drive us out to Orange County to taste a bit of our past...

Just like the Chris' and Pitt's that used to be in the Valley, there was a neon sign outside, old school booths on the inside, a vintage arcade game in the lobby, a small jar of vinegar-y hot peppers on every table, and the scent of tasty smoked BBQ throughout the air. I was brought home to those days after little league games where the entire family sat down at Chris' and Pitt's for a hearty, cheap meal.

Our food was awesome, as was the service. Just like I remembered it. And I was happy. The only reason I didn't give it 4 stars is because it's an hour away in Orange County and not my Chris' and Pitt's. But if you live out that way or are in the area, stop in for some BBQ ribs.