Mike G.'s Profile

So the devil has allowed me a few days escape from my interminable resting place down there and naturally I decided to visit an ice cream shop before I was sent back.

Unfortunately I chose this "Gelato Cafe" on the outdoor patio at the Fashion Show Mall facing the Wynn:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

I love analyzing bad businesses.  First of all the pricing scheme is a mess with 3 one ounce scoops of gelato costing $5 and then $2.50 for each additional 1 ounce scoop.  Really jackasses?  Tiny little cups of nothingness for lots of cash, that was your brilliant idea?  

Coldstone Creamery has this place cold stone crushed with a monster banana split or chocolate indulgence extravaganza for $6 or so.

Secondly they try to do too much with their menu and offerings - they're selling sandwiches and bagels on there.  Why.  Focus!

Oh and finally this is sort of important - their "gourmet" gelato product is not particularly good - it tastes thin and icy like a sorbet, so if you're really jonesing for ice cream, this might not satisfy.  So it's not even about the money really.  

Terry Fator is an awesome Vegas fixture:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Gelato Cafe not so much.

Red Chandeliers!  

A Sinatra restaurant!  

A Botero restuarant!  

Botero is that Columbian artist who does full bodied, voluptuous statues like this:

http://en.wikipedia.or...

It's much more like what real people, especially modern people, look like, than say Michelangelo's David - which of course is showcased at Caesars.    

And the Wynn/Encore is much more what modern people prefer than Caesars these days, which I suppose is the broader message.

I had to stop betting on football because you would have done better flipping a coin or throwing darts at a sports magazine than how I was doing with my NFL stuff.  But if you like this sort of game, the Wynn is a really nice place to do it.  It's close to the parking garage and all the seats are big and comfy leather.  There's a great deli next door.  They've got big screens.  Everything's just gorgeous and nice and the experience that you expect the best casino in the world to be.  You can walk a few hundred feet next door to Encore and see the new "Sinatra" and "Botero" restaurants.  Classy.

But the sports betting is a tough game - you can say I should wear a tin foil hat, and be watching JFK murder conspiracy movies.  But the Detroit Lions, first team to go 0-16 in the NFL ever, a really awful team, were playing at Green Bay today.  A pretty good team  to bet against, eh?  They're awful.  Away.  You might say, hey, I'm not a big bettor, but this is a giveaway, I'll take the Packers at -10.5.  You would have lost by half a point.  Here's the point spreads:

http://www.covers.com/...

Sure, the record bad lowly Lions lost the game, but a bet on them would have won, they covered the point spread by the slimmest of margins.  It's fixed my friend.  Go play roulette.

I don't play poker any more.  It's been over a year.  I had to stop when I had some numbers explained to me by a smarter man than myself.  His explanation went a little something like this: It's sort of Hollywood with people talking about how they win at the game.  The rake takes a bigger bite than most think.  If you're sitting at a ten handed table where each player has $300, and they're doing 30 hands an hour at $4 house rake per hand, plus tips to the dealer, that's one player being literally eaten by the house every 2 hours.  So if you put in an 8 hour session, 4 of those 10 starting players would be up in smoke, money completely gone to the house, by the end of that period.  Money off the table not winnable by you.  Yeah.  Sucks eh?  So even before you've started jousting with those highly refined table sharks hungrily eyeing your chips at popular poker joints like the MGM (note to 20 something alt punk: get a real job, even if it's making sandwiches, still better), you're sort of starting at a disadvantage, to all the money being sucked up by the black hole that is the house.  

Your odds might even be better putting it all on red at that nice pretty roulette wheel over there.  47% versus a table full of sharks, and a hungry house?  I'll take the almost coin flip, I'm no Michael Phelps and a lot of those sharks look fast.  

I suppose my real point is that, as with the move from 2:3 blackjack to 5:6 and the increase in tight slots, I think the big casinos got a big greedy and have choked some of the life out of the game.

That said, I agree with these other posts that the MGM is a nice, modern, clean room with very professional dealers and floor personnel.  Lots of tables, lots of action.  The dealers are nicer than the Bellagio's, although the players are better.  Since it's so close to Studio 54 there's lots of eye candy.  There's lively games 24 7, which cannot be said of most poker rooms nowadays.  

If you're just in town for the weekend from Socal or New York or Bahhston or Toronto or Norway or London and looking for that distinctly vicious and bloodcurdling thrill that only comes with aggressively bluffing two tight rocks out of a hand that you rightfully should have lost, you might as well be rearranging the deck chairs on this particularly modern, nicely furnished and hip sort of Titannic.

It's been a while since I yelped because I've had an awful lot to do in real life lately - apparently this is what happens when you get a real job - but I grabbed a coffee and booted up the yelp website this morning for a nice little escape from reality.  

So I found some highly amusing schadenfreude out there, this stuff was all just posted in the last hour or so, and made for some amusing reading:

Britney C goes on about how her boyfriend won't let her put his famous hotdog in her mouth even though she really wants it:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

John M finds that the Roman baths spa at Caesars is just a little too "Roman", nudge nudge wink wink say no more:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Tim S (and actually the last 7 reviewers) talk about how the latest incarnation of the Planet Hollywood casino is like "putting lipstick on a pig" - ouch:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Sook W reveals her secret to flying - go Southwest and drink a bottle of wine:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Ryan H is shocked to learn that those "carpet clean you whole house for $45" ads are a scam:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Brett C reveals that a good craps run allowed him to treat his family to (trumpets and drum roll) "the Steakhouse at Camelot":

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Preston T does a nice takedown on the overrated Ichiza sushi joint here:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Marcos C points out the value you can find in downtown Vegas at Binions - which just got a fancy new renovated poker room, btw:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Tony H points out that Studio 21 Tattoo Gallery is a nice place to get stuck - no dirty needles!  Yay! :

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Lizziegirl hits the Gold Coast for a royal flush and some old Zagnuts discussing a different sort of flush, the BM kind:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

I'm just sayin, there's some gems hidden in there, after you've posted your own review have a look see at what others are doing!

Well I finally checked out the new Palazzo sportsbook located deep in the belly of the beast in the underground labyrinth that used to be the 40/40 Club - the Jay Z baller nightclub that set a world record for going out of business faster than a Lamborghini Murcielago can make it to 60.  The joint that ran through millions of dollars and staff and yet still managed to not impress anyone - yes that infamous pit of misfortune - check out the reviews here on Yelp, it's quite amusing:

http://www.yelp.com/bi...

Anyhow, guess what : the new place sucks too!  

This sportsbook gets a failing grade for exactly five reasons:

1. Unlike just about every other modern sportsbook in Vegas, there is no big open space here where you can watch all the games at once - say you've got a 4 way parlay and you want to see what's going on with that Carolina/Kansas City game that's no where to be found - well you're shi_ out of luck my friend, unless you want to hike it past a bunch of annoyed looking cocktail waitresses balancing full trays and formidable sized beer guts bursting into your path with their size XXL jerseys, to a far corner of the joint.  This is sort of a key element of the "modern" sportsbook, having lots of screens with all the games in a great big space - they don't have that here.  Bummer.

2. Maybe they have a lot of the disgruntled employees left over from the 40/40 Fiasco, or perhaps the servers know even better than the customers that this place is a Subpar experience and have just given up - but the service is not particularly good.  Tacky black and white striped referee outfits and surly attitude do not make for return visits in a town with plenty of other options.  If the Wynn (right next door hint hint) gets a 10 for professional service, the sarcastic twerps refining their eye roll move here get a 2.

3.  The chairs and backless barstools perched around the place are uncomfortable.  They're just a little too tall for an average sized person - like they were built for 6 foot plus pro ball players.  Not cool.  Many spectators are not the giants these guys are, so why go out of your way to make it physically uncomfortable for them to spectate when that's your business??  The couches were all a bit too high as well, I noticed most women had to use the side tables as foot rests.  Really.  I don't get it.

4. Odds on parlays purchased at the small booth with the long line OUTSIDE of the sportsbook area - like in a different part of the casino, far enough away that your seat won't be there when you get back - yeah, those parlays pay out 15 to 20% LESS than the same bet at other sportsbooks in town, such as any Coast, Station or Hilton property - just because the Venetian likes to screw its customers that way, hard and in uncomfortable dark places.  Nice.

5. The place really does look like an underground maze.  It's a bunch of low ceilinged rooms patched together with cheesy white couches and suede covered bar stools strewn about with no rhyme or reason.  If there was a designer involved, someone got ripped off.

So there you go.  Visit this dive once if you must, so that you can go back to Caesar's or the Wynn or the MGM Grand or Mandalay or even better a proper and comfortable local casino and fully appreciate the difference.

At the oddly shaped corner where Charleston and Fremont Street become Boulder Highway, in one of the older and more dangerous parts of east Vegas, you can find a great taco 24 hours a day at Pepe's!  For 7 or 8 dollars you'll get a huge pile of authentic Mexican food.  I'm partial to the Super Burrito with Carne Asada, or the Huevos Rancheros - yes they serve breakfast all day!  Que gusta!  Very authentic joint.  Makes a great contrast to the Strip casinos if you want to cruise down Charleston for a break from the contrived slot palaces of MGM and Harrahs.  

You might even see a real live mugging - just be careful it isn't you!

Planted firmly in the middle of Boulder City on the main route from Vegas to the Hoover Dam, the 93.  Your basic meatball sub and pizza joint.  Solid Italian, easy access, a nice old school little joint.  

Sure Mama C looks suspiciously like the mama from The Goonies - but she's more about making great pies than offing little troublemakin punks, honest!  If you're ever day tripping to the Hoover Dam or hiking in the area, this place is worth a pit stop.  The meatball sub is as it should be.

If you take a moment to read one of Mr. P's longer yelp reviews or better yet subscribe to his blog, you'll have difficulty finding a more articulate or on point mind for hire.  I'm just glad he's not a prosecutor.

3 Reasons the Hard Rock is just the Hippest Debauchery Zone in Vegas:

1. The best looking hookers in Vegas - they all look like Pussycat Dolls on their heroin break, with cleverly done boob jobs and botoxed poofy lips, sauntering along with a feline bumpity bump that broadcasts "Skank and Proud", porn stars who like their job. If you can't pick out a hooker in 30 seconds at the HR then you're asexual as an amoeba.  

2. Pool parties all weekend - if you don't mind wading through muddy brown water full of drunken lusty crowds of thrusting painfully beautiful spring break escapists all trying to have sex with each other.  Was this what ancient Rome was like near the end?

3. The people really are better looking here, mostly Socals, mostly fit and tan and Aryan and OC/Hills Abercrombie.  Too bad they're also mostly deuche bags!

I was going to try to make this funny but I've got nothing right now, I'm spent.  I'll try to fix this later.