Hazel "Literally!!" Q.'s Profile

I'm hovering between three and four on Long Beach's fave local baseball team. Two years ago, I would have said five stars. Hands down. They used to have all sorts of wacky promo nights (bald guys night? Awful night - where they played the worst songs ever and had the worst fireworks show in LB. It rocked!)

Now...well. Someone lost their creativity. They do have Jose Lima, I'll give them that, but some of the fun seems to have disappeared. As have a lot of the 2-for-1 ticket promos. Plus, $2 beers on Thursdays are only available before the game begins now. Hmph.

Perhaps I'll check out another game this year, but I dunno, just doesn't seem worth the $8 these days.

While some gals could spend all day drooling over the Nordtrom's shoe department, I get all materialistic and covetous walking though the aisles of Tall Mouse drooling over book binding supplies, embossing powder, circle cutters. Typically the Tall Mouse in Cerritos is my go-to craft overload store, but this location in Laguna Niguel is so amazing it may just be worth my drive down.

This store is amazingly well-stocked compared to the Cerritos location. The scrapbook paper section alone. I don't even think I can write about it without getting butterflies in my stomach. Yep. I'm that in love with it. Super well organized and they've carry all the hot brands of the scrapbook paper world. Yes. There are hot brands in scrapbook world. And yes, I know what they are. And yes, I have the hobbies of a 65-year-old woman.

This isn't even getting into all of the tools and supplies (a wire book binding machine! that's cheap!) and party things and more and more and more. Plus, they do awesome classes all the time, like "get up and craft" where you go early in the morning in your pajamas for a craft project. Sure, you may not think it sounds like fun, but us 65-year-old women enjoy it just fine.

The Reno Room: not divey enough to be a good dive, not interesting enough to be...well...interesting. What I'm trying to say, Reno Room, is that it's not me, it's you. Sure, you'll do in a pinch, when I'm in the neighborhood and I need a decent enough jukebox and a drink.

I'll tell you this, though. I'm sure as hell not bringing someone here that asks "So, what's cool about Long Beach?" No siree. Look, you're not the totally nerdy good, but you're a good 3.0 gpa, middle of the class, mousy brunette in class that nobody notices.  hmmmm...kinda like I was when I was in high school, perhaps that's why we relate so well.

Damn right. "Woohoo! As good as it gets!" I'm pretty sure this is the only Big Lots, I'd ever give five stars to, hence: as good as it gets. In this unassuming neighborhood, lies the upper echelon of all Big Lots stores. And I've been to Big Lots stores in Laguna Niguel and other schmancy neighborhoods too. But, here in Westminster, they take the cake.

First of all, like the other gals said, it's huge! And they've got everything. Everything. Yes. Everything. You know, those shopping trips when you need gardening gloves, then you realize you need a craft set for your niece, then you remember you need some perfume, oh, and then you see a $10 mp3 player which would be kinda cool for the gym so you don't have to worry about losing your iPod...again.  Everything.

Not only do they have everything, everything is in order. I feel like you could go to this place on Christmas Eve and everything would still be in its place. Of course, I haven't actually tested that theory, but even close to Christmas everything is properly stacked...and there's clearance galore. I know, I know...clearance at a discount store. The epitome of cheapness. That's me.

Guess I'll be the resident female review here. We'll go old school with a simple pros and cons:

Thumbs up:
-Cheap drinks! $3 drafts? That's good stuff.
-Cheap beer bongs too. Only $3 to have your drink through a hose.
-Tacos outside on the patio! That rocks. Don't even have to make a late night Del Taco run after this.
-Bartenders all in lingerie. Sure, why not?

Thumbs Down:
-Well, that $3 beer bong? You get it served to you while staring right up the girl's ass. (Like I said, sorry, I'm gonna be the lone girl review here.)
-It was hot as balls in there...oh yeah, probably because of all the balls around. Aside from the bartenders this spot is sausagefest USA.
-This place is...how do you say...Raider Nation. Uh. No thanks.

Some things are too good to be true, Slater's 50/50 isn't one of them. Sure, you hear a 50% ground bacon/ 50% ground beef burger exists in Yorba Linda (I've been corrected...Anaheim Hills), and your inner negative nancy says, "pffft. no way. too good to be true. must be terrible." I've got news for you: Negative Nancy is a goddamn bitch. A cold-hearted, burger-hating bitch.

Me, on the other hand, I push Negative Nancy aside and say, "bring on the burgers." Then I saw the menu, and before the burgers I said "bring on the vampire dip!" Their version of artichoke/cheese/garlic dip. It was so effin' amazing, nothing even lived up to it the rest of the night.

Oh snap. Totally forgot to mention the beer! Sooooo much beer. All the wacky beers you see on "Three Sheets"...yep. It's all here. Even some crazy $35 bottle of beer. What's more, the staff actually know what they're talking about with the beer and the menu.

On to the burgers. The 50/50 was indeed good stuff, but oddly enough the Hawaiian 50/50 slightly trumps it, it just replaces the avocado on the burger with a pineapple, and hot damn! It adds just the right amount of juiciness.  Especially with that fried egg... Damn, Weight Watchers be damned! These burgers rock! Even as much as I love bacon, the baconless "Thanksgiving Burger" was one of the best things we ordered. Basically you're entire thanksgiving dinner in between two delish pieces of Ciabatta bread. Pure happiness.

Looking at the menu, you can make your own burger (kinda like The Counter, only 1,582 times better...way more options) and I saw an option for PB&J as a topping. WTF. This place is crazy. The server agreed, as he didn't even have the balls to try PB&J as a topping yet.

I'll say this, they're not messing around here. And, I didn't even get a chance to try the "Pick 5" which is all five of the main apps (fries, fried pickles, etc) for only $7. Eff The Counter. Slater's 50/50 is where it's at.

**Disclaimer: This review was written by a gal who loves bacon above all things on this earth.

Riding around Temecula in a shuttle full of strangers? Hrm. I wasn't so sure about that at first, but as soon as I met the man of men that is Wes, the Grapeline tour guide, I knew we'd be in good hands.

We were definitely the laggers of the tour group, but never fear - Wes was there to whip us into shape when we were lingering on our 5th or 50th taste of wine. Other bonuses? How about all sorts of perks just for being a Grapeline customer? Discounts at every winery we went to, and the immediate attention of anyone at the Winery because they knew we were with the man, Wes.

Even more? Wes's winetasting 101 rocks...especially because it was just my style and had little to do with "nose" and "points" but more about, "If you like it, it's a good wine." Those are rules I can deal with.

Realizing casinos this effin' awesome are within 2 hours of me, is going to be the downfall of my existence. What? I can play $5 blackjack without waiting 4 hours like at morongo"? What the hell kid of craziness is that? Also, the dealers are cool and all about talking to me about the money I was supposed to save for a  car down payment? Something's wrong with this picture.

Also, the non-smoking section isn't just a corner in a hallway, it's a real, legit section. I can leave a casino without smelling like a carton of cigarettes? Now that's magical.

I could never really be a fan of Quizno's, not really. But this location is as close as I get to being an honest-to-goodness fan. First of all, the sandwiches tasted as fresh as a Quizno's sandwich will ever taste. I must say, I was surprised. Also, this location was happily lacking the ever-present Quizno's staple of the all the employees' stoner friends hanging around. Nope, just me, the friendly staff and the lady who brought her own two liter of Diet Pepsi.

The real kicker though, is the soda selection. Before the clerk even finished asking, "Would you like a drink-" I answered, "Nope. Just the sandw-" ...just then a little green label on the soda caught my eye...it couldn't be....could it? Is it really...? Yes! It's Diet Mountain Dew...in a soda fountain. That's amazing.

...and yes, I love Diet Mountain Dew. Gotta problem?

I'll have you know that I'm extremely upset with each and every single one of you. All these years in the LBC and I never knew EJ Malloy's had such an superbly effin' amazing patio. How could you let that happen to me? You've all failed me, and I'd like to see all of you in my office after class today.

Sure, the bar doesn't stay open until official last call, but that patio, a few pitchers of Fat Tire and some buffalo wings made for a perfect night to inaugurate summer patio drinking season.

I know, I thought the same thing - you drive by this place and think "really? there's an awesome patio? there?" I'm telling you. Really. Plus, if there's anywhere you'll find a patient waitress, it's at an Irish/English/Whatever sports pub. This lady was a saint. A few pitchers deep, we were the most obnoxious group ever, and she happily kept bringing pitchers all the way up 'til 11:55 when the bar was about to close.

Pricing? ...well...it was one of those times when I go straight to the computer to check the ol' account thinking, "Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. What did I do last night? Please don't let it be bad." Turns out...not so bad, still had plenty o' dough for a good brunch the next day. And definitely cheap enough for me to return many times for some more summer drinkin'.