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Uptowner
Rating Details »
- Price Range:
-
$
- Accepts Credit Cards:
- No
- Good for Groups:
- Yes
- Wheelchair Accessible:
- No
- Outdoor Seating:
- Yes
- Music:
- DJ, Live, Juke Box, Music Videos
- Happy Hour:
- Yes
- Alcohol:
- Full Bar
- Smoking:
- Yes
- Coat Check:
- No
5 reviews for Uptowner
One of the last bastion's of the $5 pitcher of Blatz in Riverwest, this is a bar I have always enjoyed, but have had to struggle over the years to get anyone else to join me in a night out there.
Thankfully, that has changed.
One of the diviest dives that has ever dove for change under a table, The Uptowner never changes and I love it for that.
Disclosure: I like dives.
This bar is dark and dirty with the usual row of regulars planted at the bar [who use pick up lines like "Hey! You are wearing Converse! *I* am wearing Converse!"]. The TV usually is showing an appropriately awesome B- or 80s movie or a concert video [punk, metal, hip hop, classic - music runs the gamut here].
Music: usually DJ'd of sorts, but I have walked in when bands were playing. There is no rhyme or reason as to when a show is, or what kind of music it might be. Except St. Patrick's Day. Some Irish band plays.
The ATM never works, however, I have found more cash on the floor here than any other bar. No, you can't run a tab. Half the time, your drink comes in a plastic cup. Closing the Uptowner guarantees some sort of craziness or debauchery later. You WILL make more bad decisions here than anywhere else. Something in the air, the piss molecules perhaps?
I still haven't figured out if the beer garden is for patron use or not. Hell, it's so dark in there, I can barely see what it's like inside anyways. I mean, I have been there when fights have broken out AND DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!
I went here for a while, tipped well, made myself noticed and still the bartenders didn't know my name. The people in this bar are diverse, and most look like they've spent all day there. At night it gets interesting. Most people are completely faced when I get there and stick around after I leave. There's also a hefty dosing of shady looking individuals and true alcoholics.
The beer, when I'm in the mood, is cheap. $5 for a big pitcher of cold, good Blatz. Though I'm primarily a mixer guy, I do like the vitamin B once in a while. Mixers are typically pretty stiff. Oh and cheap. Really cheap. Bring cash though, the ATM is always broken or out of money.
They used to have bring your own vinyl night every other Saturday. I really enjoyed that. Such a good mix of different types of music. They got rid of it last I heard which is a real bummer.
Sadly, all the reasons I liked this bar (cheap, close to home, cheap) don't make up for the bar itself and lack of attentive staff. If there are 10 people in the bar, it should not take 5 mintues for me to get another pitcher of beer, especially when I tip half the price of the pitcher every time.
I enjoy dives, but I have my limits. The comments about bring your own soap and hand sanitizer are true. The mens room is absolutely disgusting. Last time I was there, they had thrown a layer of paint on to cover graffiti but still, the piss smell remained and can be detected the second you walk in the place. So my typical routine was to wash my hands, dry them on my pants, use my elbow to open the door, and then use hand sanitizer on my elbow and hands. Yes, it's that bad.
I don't go here anymore for the above reasons. I'd much rather spend a little more money and go someplace else, but for people watching or just getting wasted on the cheap...yeah you can't get much better.
Historically significant, not-too-recently cool and underground, currently alternates between terrifying, ridiculous, and slapstick-ally dangerous. Bring your own toilet paper, soap and extra-strength hand sanitizer. Always get your beer in bottles, bring cash, and oh, yeah, it helps to either already be really drunk or dirty. Wear shoes. Exact patience and embrace your inner and outer alcoholic. Imagine happier times, when Blatz bars were for after-work commiserations, before canes and divorce, when happy hours really meant something. Don't talk to anyone. Wear sunglasses all the time.
Rocks.
one time i got a beer in here while i was waiting for the 23 bus. it was pretty average.
