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My memory of this saloon is hazy after spending most of the evening at the Attic drinking the nefarious Racer Five beer, among other things. My chum and I arrived here after a long, oblivious walk. Incomprehensibly, I ordered another Racer Five, which proved to be my downfall quite quickly.
After ordering our pints and heading for the empty sofas, I felt nature's call and headed for what I thought was the men's restroom. I walked down into a pitch-dark cavern and wandered endlessly inside it, still convinced that it was the men's room and I'd find a urinal somewhere nearby. After feeling my way around, I decided to turn back and exit this mysterious grotto and use the ladies' room instead.
And so I used the ladies' room, but was confused as to why there was a urinal in there. Of course, it turns out that it was the men's room all along, and I had previously stumbled into some type of storage area.
I remember enjoying the music, the quadrant of sofas surrounding a coffee table, the cozy atmosphere, and the dearth of patrons. Just the right type of environment in which to pass out. Which we both did, for a time, in between my unsuccessful attempts to vomit (having found my way to the restroom with ease now).
I must return at another time to assess the place, and avoid drinking Racer Five at all costs.
The Uptown reminds me of the basement at my Great Aunt Alice and Uncle Nick's house back home, on the West Side of Detroit.
As kids, my cousins and I used to hide out from all the scary old people down there, with their pipes and their weird Polish food. Because there was a pool table and a pinball machine... Wood-paneled walls and a scratchy couch and a wobbly little bar they put in themselves, with a set of old poker chips... All kinds of games we didn't know how to play... Rituals we hadn't been initiated into yet... But we pretended...
We practiced growing up to be Polish drunks just like the Polish drunks smoking their pipes and drinking their vodka upstairs -- we just didn't realize that by the time we were grown up, we wouldn't have any place so authentic as Uncle Nick's basement to be drunk in. We'd be hanging out someplace like the Uptown.
Which is tolerable. But I would trade all the hipsters at the Uptown for my old relatives ANY DAY now.
The girl bartender, though -- she can stay.
Seriously Uptown? Do you even WANT my business? I thought the point of a bar was to attract patrons.
Never mind that the couches smell like a bum peed all over them and the guys at the pool table stand around making small talk and then chew you out when you try to play pool (sorry, maybe you have a pending game, but if I'm watching no one do a thing for 15 minutes and then walk up to start a game and you give me douchy pseudo-hipster attitude and tell me someone else has the table, you're officially an asshole). The bartender was enough to turn me off of this place all on her own.
For starters, smile a bit, and don't act like such a hater. Also, when my friend tells you it's his birthday and you make him a nearly $7 drink, don't make snide remarks to me about how I'm not a good enough friend and should be buying his drink for him. Maybe you could take a hint from Elbo Room, or Casanova, or any number of the other bars we went to who gave him free drinks. Or if free drinks aren't your thing, that's fine, just don't give me lip when you don't even know me.
Honestly, this place does it for some people, but not for me. I'm far happier spending my money at bars whose employees make an effort to give two shits about their patrons.
Uptown is alright. It's a little dark in the main room, but it's fun that to the side they have a game room with pool tables and arcade games.
The first time I was here, a fireman kept chatting me up, and gave my friend and I a handful of little blackcat fireworks. Wtf?
I showed up for the hour before last call and had a good time. It was one of the darkest bars ever. There might have been a big painting?
I do love coming to the uptown, but sometimes the service is questionable which is why it doesn't get five stars. You can play pool here and not feel self-conscious if you're not a shark. Juke box cool. Good seating and you're likely to run into some pals.
The absolute definition of a dive bar.
The atmosphere is a little shady, but it becomes less and less so with each sip of beer. The selection of drafts is the respectable variety you typically see in mission bars (Paulaner, Trumer Pils, Hoegaarden, Sierra Nevada, Stella, Racer 5, Prohibition, Anchor Steam, etc). Pints are about $4 or $5, about average price.
The bartender poured our beers without tilting the glass at all and waited a little while for it to settle before serving it. Not to be rude, but tipping the glass should be rule #1 for serving draft beer, I couldn't believe that. If your bartender can't properly pour you a beer, then what the hell can you count on in the world?
Definitely a good bar for peoplewatching. You can bring your dog too, if that's your thing.
Cash only, but they have an ATM.
Last time I was here, I made awkward small talk with the guy sitting next to me, while he softly stroked a giant pet rat in his lap.
Yeah, that's how you roll at Uptown.
Yay for dive bars and Johnny Cash!
Honestly, this bar isn't all that divey, but the vibe here is grungy in a good way. The bartenders are ON it. Thanks ladies! Points for the comfy couches, the decent selection of tunes on the juke and the general lack of annoying people.
Tracee, myself, and Professor Mike had to attend a screening of a friend's short movie at the Secret Alley on Capp Street. I'd seen the movie before, I knew what to expect, so we got there early to get a few beers inside to numb the impending pain. Shuffling in to the Uptown, which was completely empty, we ordered a round. Our beers were... well, beers - not the best selection in the world - but Tracee was all over her vodka tonic, which was heavy on the alci-mi-hol, and we couldn't argue about the prices. (Cash only, BTW...)
So we ordered another round. And another.
The screening went surprisingly well. The complete arseness of the movie was dampened by the room spinning. Wheee!
We stopped in for another round afterwards, before we met the aspiring moviemaker and her crew for dinner. At this point, the place was full of douches who were trying their best to look trendy - and failing miserably. We downed our round and left.
I'd give this place three, but for simply fuelling me with beer to get me through that screening, they get one extra.
A-OK for a hipster type bar.
Bartenders seem unusually well adjusted.
CD Juke box has some good stuff on it. Some locals in here and natives could stand it.
I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
Wait, that seems harsh. I take it back.
It's been a long time since I've come around the Uptown, but it used to be my go-to place. It's cozy, kind of slimy, but I wholeheartedly accept all its grimy glory. The company you keep in Uptown is always complimented by new faces and characters that you wouldn't run into at other locales. I'm never itching to go there or itching when I leave so I shouldn't make too big of a deal about it being a dirty place. It's more of a no frills thrill. In writing about it, I miss it. And I think it's high time I pass by. :)
Appropriately smelly for a dive in the mission. On weekends, it's crowded, the line for the bathroom is too long, and you should count yourself lucky if you get a shot at the pool table, the juke, or the couches. Feels a bit like a house party - if most all of your friends ride bikes and have decent taste in music.
It's close to a friend's apt so I've ended up here more than a couple times now and I have to say the cheap beer, friendly bartenders, and odd booths have really grown on me.
Fine, fine, fine.
Great place to hide, if you aren't on the know of the Mission Scene.
Certainly is my favorite bartender, maybe.
I need to stop visiting dive bars with my current dive bar partner. Really, it's skewing my views of places. I'm giving two star bars 5 stars, and literal one-star sh*tholes 4 stars.
Not to say that the Uptown is a sh*thole. It's a pretty standard dive bar, with a crappy tv in one corner, and some couches in the back that obviously have seen better days. The clientele is super friendly, as is the bar staff, and it seems that there's always a seat at the bar.
They have Trumer Pils on tap, and service is super fast.
The Uptown's overall pretty cool, but then again, I think that he and I would have fun underneath a rock.
i enjoy the uptown when it is not too crowded. they have a great jukebox selection and a pool table that only costs 50 cents for a round. it's also nice to sit at a booth and chat with a circle of friends. the bartenders have always been friendly, the drinks tasty, and the company good.
Low key bar my ass.. maybe for the hipsters who frequent Casanova, Skylark, Double Dutch, etc.. this might be a little retreat away from the scene.
Uhhh, nice pool table?
The Uptown rulz for 3 reasons:
1) cheap drinks
2) pinball
3) friendly, sarcastic bar tender who tried to hook my roommate up.
Also has the strangest, worst/best painting on the wall of the Hulk playing pinball or something.
Like a pair of old comfortable shoes the uptown awaits your nightcap needs. Bartenders are really laid back and friendly and if it's not too crowded it's a great place to bring friends, play pool, sit in a booth, and listen to a great jukebox. I like this place on a dark and rainy day and they will even make a great hot toddy. Minus one star for some of the younger generation messengers(not all, just the coked up rude ones). SF's version of backwoods mountain dew drinking "extreme" douchebags (like the ones in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle). Only the mountain dew is cocaine, and the trucks are fixies.
Uptown is the best possible type of dive-bar--a cheap, fun and cool place that's not at all impressed with its own cheap, fun and cool-ness.
Uptown is so laid back they have couches, which are awesome when you can snag them, until drunk kids trying to give each-other piggy back rides fall on top of you and bend you in half and then get chaffed at you for telling them to watch the fuck out instead of being all "WOOO MY SPINE IS SHATTERED!! PARTAAAAY!!"
But that's not Uptown's fault. Its a fun and laid back place, so people are bound to get a little crazy there now and again. As it should be. Just keep your crazy off of my lap, please.
It's a rare thing, the hipster joint that is so chill about its own hipness that it just doesn't try.
Exhibit A: the mirror in the ladies' room is so covered up in red paint, graffiti and stickers that no one has seen their reflection in it since the 90's.
Exhibit B: the jukebox. (OK, so you have to pay for a soundtrack to your evening, but the drinks are so cheap it's a wash.) I don't know another bar that has the nerve to put Fugazi, Modest Mouse, New Pornagraphers, Neko Case and Yo La Tengo smack up against Steely Dan. They just don't care.
Exhibit C: Bartenders who focus on, like, making your drink. They're there to work, not to make instantaneous decisions, God-like, on the hipness of their clientele and then communicate this to their patrons either by ignoring them, or by flirting with them, as determined by the size of your a) rack b) hipster-wanna-be-trucker-hat c) tattoo.
Plus, they have a very respectable collection of beers on tap (Racer 5, yum yum) and those couches are, hands down, the best way to end a first date that's going really well. It's dark, dark, dark in the Uptown and let's all pray that no one ever decides to spiff it up with a damn votive candle. Better for it to burn down like it is than change a thing.
FUN dive bar with strong BIG drinks. Fun crowd, good tunes on the jukebox. Just plain fun.
Definitely a little broken down, but that's what makes it beautiful.
I went here with a posse of peeps on a Saturday night, the place was packed. Saw some familiar faces. Bar staff was nice too. Totally my people. I really liked it here. Will def go back and drink myself into oblivion again soon.
Yes, the Uptown is one of the seeeeeediest bars around. Just round the corner from gross and grosser. But somehow, it has grown on me and I love going there! Especially on monday evenings, when it is HOT and a girl neeeeeds a cold DRINK! Brion can whip up a cool tall glass of fresh strawberry lemonade vodka, and don't tell, but even the boys were drinking these fruity ones! Nuff said!
Cool bar, if you want to be scene. People are suppose to drink at bars right? Junk box is good, I'll give it that.
Whats up with the weird Mexican monster art above the bar?
I'm a Bud & a shot guy.
But the detail that goes into tap Beer inventory, and it's pouring are of Zagat caliber.
They allowed me to renew my Customer Application several years in a row. I don't know if that is good for YOU, or just satisfying for me.
Uptown will always be a place in the New Bohemia of the Lower Intestine in my book.
To Kai~ Skoll.
I'm goin with someone else's words, because that's all that needs to be said:
"Uptown is the best possible type of dive-bar--a cheap, fun and cool place that's not at all impressed with its own cheap, fun and cool-ness."
I met someone there and we hit it off right away, so I wasn't able to check out the 8-bit video game machine someone told me about... but the fact that it's there in and of itself is pretty awesome! also, there's a pool table -- thumbs up for that. I went on a Sunday night, so it was pretty empty. I'm always a fan of that. The bartender was also really awesome. Her name slipped my mind, but she was really great.
All in all, I had a great time here, so five stars.
This has become "our bar"...why? Glad you asked:
1. excellent low key atmosphere that never fails to be "just right"
2. excellent juke box with many fav tunes
3. truly excellent friday night bartender - yeah Crista!!!!! makes the best margarita's ever
4. short walk to home
do yourself a favor and grab a neighborhood burrito or pizza and head over to the uptown, but make sure you save a booth seat for me.
I love this bar. It's cheap and less than two blocks away from my house. What could be better than that to stumble home from?
It's never been so busy I want to leave, although it is sometimes sorta packed. I enjoy days when I am able to score a couch seat.
It's also pretty easy to play pool there which is surprising seeing that there is only one table. The jukebox has some jams on it as well!
All in all a place I look forward to spending money at, despite some of the sketchies in the alley.
Although it does get crowded on the weekends (proof of it's fun-ness), it's still not that hard to get a drink, which I appreciate. Low-key crowd, good jukebox, cheap drinks and adequate seating space. Plus, the bathroom has a stall, which I like. Although, said stall is sort of gnarly.
I like Uptown most for it's lack of pretensions. Let's all drink, together.
Seemed like a good crowd of people--but I'm really new to the city so I felt like it wasn't the type of place you go to and meet anyone new cause everyone seemed to have their little groups. Bartender was really nice and got to us right away. Dolly on the jukebox..yessss.
Now I'm no nancy boy, but I was a bit miffed by the piles of trash in the gutter outside and the two scraggly old dudes standing guard by the front door, not a tooth in their heads.
Turns out this is all just an elaborate facade to disguise a haven of $4 drinks and plentiful entertainment that is inside.
It kind of smells like feet, but from what I understand of Mission Theory, the foot smell is the left side of the elaborate equation that equals the striking but attractive hipster clientele, pinball machines and pool tables, sofa lounges and graffiti'd bathrooms.
Of course the kicker is that for ten bucks, I got half a liter of Hefeweizen and Mani got a martini glass so deep you'd need to hire scuba divers to resurface the olives.
Yep, there are an awful lot of Uptowns in this here grand nation of ours.
Wikipedia says they are in the following places so I am sure this must be the complete and all encompassing list: Uptown, Normal, IL; Uptown, Chicago; Charlotte center city ("Uptown Charlotte"); Uptown Dallas; Uptown (Harrisburg); Uptown, Hartford; Uptown Houston; Uptown, Manhattan; Uptown, Memphis; Uptown, Minneapolis; Uptown New Orleans; Uptown, Pittsburgh (see Bluff (Pittsburgh)); Uptown, Seattle, Washington, officially known as "Lower Queen Anne"; Uptown Toronto; Uptown Lexington; Uptown, Montreal.
Notice there is no listing for San Francisco. Except this bar apparently. If I dig really hard I guess I could assume it is uptown from the crackheads down the alley, or uptown from a few liquor stores. It is, however, not uptown in the sense that one would typically associate with this word.
I, personally, find this to be a good thing. This bar is worn, and by worn I mean the furniture is banged up, the pool table is uneven, drinks are strong, the ATM kiosk is often broken, the fireplace could double as a fire hazard and pieces of the floor are missing.
It, however, seems to attract a great friendly unpretentious mix of people from the neighborhood......and not a one of the crackheads who reside outside. I guess that is what uptown means around these parts.
Came here the other night with Kristine J as part of a short tour of bars in the Mission.
Okay, Green Bunny PSA - I am NOT a dive bar aficionado. I grew up in squeaky clean suburbs, led a boringly average adolescence and my drink of choice tends to be wine. I did not discover the phenomenon of dive bars until I was working on boats in Alaska. So - I'm not the best person to provide insight into a bar most label as a dive. Now back to regular programming:
Due to some overenthusiastic imbibing earlier in the evening I had switched to water, so I didn't get to experience the actual drinks here - but I liked the vibe. Lots of seating options, not too loud but not murderously quiet, friendly bartenders, nice mix of customers. Definitely worth another visit - when I'm not drinking water!
I love me a good dive bar and this is up there with the best of them. No complaints about the bar.
I must have been having an off night though because somehow I managed to:
* pour beer all over my foot
* play two games of pool without ever successfully sinking a ball
* get so distracted by the stick lengthener apparatus thingie that I just straight up hit the ball I was aiming at instead of the cue ball
* get bitten on the arm by a random dude
* later try to demonstrate to the arm-biter that I had a bicep, thereby allowing to bite me on the arm AGAIN before I realized what was happening
* get walked in on by two girls while in the bathroom
* knock a bicycle over into the middle of the room using only my head
* cockblock a guy by accidentally hitting the girl he was flirting with in the neck with a coaster, causing her to leave
I didn't break any glassware though. That was definitely someone else.
Don't be fooled by it's name for the Uptown is anything but classy... however apart from not having a photo booth, it does manage to meet my criteria for necessary staples for a perfect dive bar which include the following:
- cheap drinks (grey goose & soda for $4.50- you can't beat it!)
- sweet jukebox featuring a nice selection of non-stereotypical bar music (Uptown's JB features the magnetic fields, moby grape & can!).
- plenty of space to take a seat whether it be at the bar, a booth, couch, or bench.
- a pool table
- cool down to earth bartenders with zero attitude.
Just a couple of block's from my BF's place, Uptown has become a regular stop to kick off our weekend mission bar crawls. Be warned though, it is a dive, and aforementioned bestie said she once took a date here and they both witnessed a dog pull a rat out of the couch they had previously been enjoying themselves at... yikes!!
This is my idea of a neighborhood bar that somehow manages not to be overrun by hipsters. Of course they're there, but so's the weirdo old dudes from down the street. It works out well. Pretty tiny of a space, but if you get there early enough you can grab a booth by the windows overlooking scenic Capp St. My girls and I always seem to make boyfriends with all the single homeless dudes loitering outside, so that's pretty cool. I know you're jealous, but being a hater won't get you anywhere.
The juke box sorta blows--it's really weird, actually. For example, last time I checked they had the X anthology, but only disc 2. Hmm. And the "Master of Puppets" CD is totally scratched, yet they keep it in there. Hmmmmmm.
Once I lost my birth control pills (NO BABIES!!!!!) between the wall and the booth and never retrieved them. So, like, if you're straight and anti-baby, maybe you can dig them out. Use them yourself. I dunno, guess I'm just feeling generous.
Grubby. At times scrungey. Gods, how I love this place.
When this bar opened years ago (I even recall when it had the best 45s jukebox in SF) calling it The Uptown must have been a hilarious joke. And with all of the gentrefication that's hammered the life out of The City and flattened so many of its delightful edges, the still-ironically named Uptown stands. With the same crappy couches, disgustipating WCs and total lack of charmless, perfumed slummers.
Years ago, Treat Street was the place that scared away all the bridge and tunnel creeps out on sub-culture safari, with its taxidermied heads and balls to the wall juke. The Uptown needs no decor or lack of it to weed out all but the most sympathetic. Although I was there recently when they were projecting Meet The Feebles on the wall. That couldn't have hurt...
(sing-along) Ooooh, what's that smell...
What is that smell? No worries, it's just The Uptown.
Chill out, drop your pretense at the door, bring some quarters for the jukie or pool table, watch where you step (cuz you never know what you'll plant your feet in) and bring a color sharpie of your choice and some witty words for the bathroom wall.
The dive bar to end all dive bars. It, truly, is a dive, but an oh-so lovable one. Straight up, down to earth folks. Sure, some dude who barely speaks english and has had one too many Corona's may corner you and hold you hostage in a spittle ridden conversation. How can you hate on him though, when you're in The Uptown?
Only rule: Practice the buddy system when leaving.
Where else in this city can a 20 spot buy you four pints of premium beer and after tipping the bartender still leave you with change in your pocket?
This place has got dirrrrty (we're talking REAL dirty, not Xtina-style dirty, folks) down pat. Avoid the bathrooms and remember this about the stench that permeates the place: you'll get used to it after a while. . .
Even considering its proximity to the 16th Street Crack Corridor, I dunno if I'd gloss this a "dive bar," really...it's more like a super-ultra-casual beer cafe. Very SF with its iffy-quality, semi-hippie artwork on the walls. I like it jus' fine. Generally good neighborhood people (no fashion superstars or B&T invaders), generally good prices, and generally good conversations to be had.
Does anyone know why it's called the "Uptown"? It's neither "uptown" schmancy nor "downtown" schmoozy...it's just, ummm, "town." Yeah, that's it.
This is a townie bar. Nuff said.
Neighborhood: Mission
Category: Dive Bars
Neighborhood: Mission
Category: Bars
Neighborhood: Mission
Category: Lounges
Neighborhood: Mission
Category: Bars
Neighborhood: Mission
Category: Dive Bars
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