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The Old Tavern
- Price Range:
-
$$$$
- Accepts Credit Cards:
- Yes
- Attire:
- Casual
- Good for Groups:
- Yes
- Takes Reservations:
- Yes
- Waiter Service:
- Yes
- Outdoor Seating:
- No
- Alcohol:
- Full Bar
1 review for The Old Tavern
THE MISSION: To locate the perfect establishment to celebrate a milestone birthday for a mother of discerning (read: totally white and impossible to satisfy) taste;
SUBJECT NAME: Mofo, AKA one p-i-c-k-y mother;
ACTION PLAN:
Family members to descend upon picturesque town while subject Mofo is simultaneously whisked from her home state to same New England town for a romantic weekend with husband and to surprise subject without giving her a heart attack. (Sorry we spoiled that romance thing, mother, but since you have a knack for making highly untimely calls to my cell phone, we can now call it even.)
MISSION OUTCOME: A Complete Success! Dysfunctional family members just had to show up and the Old Tavern, with its charm and authenticity, did all the rest. This quintessential New England inn, established in 1801, should be Numero Uno on the "STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE" list:
One, it is run by the Windham Foundation. We love Foundations!
Two, because it is not fussy but still provides all the comforts. White people like 'not fussy' because we relish in pretending to like rustic whilst having our asses wiped by servants.
Three, we also like our Inn's to be old, creaky and beautiful (and they should never look refurbished). We want all plank wood floors, grandfather clocks and old books in the bookshelves and hotel clerks who are 'real Vermont people.' And, because soft and beautiful snow flurries are falling, we like our wood fires to be crackling in our fireplaces. Also, we like to eat in a dining room that is run by a 'world class chef' who serves New England crab cakes, entrees of pheasant, and apple crisp for dessert. And after that gluttony, we like four poster and canopy beds so high off the floor that we need a step stool to climb up on to it.
Another thing White People Like is a roster of distinguished and very dead guests. The Old Tavern does not disappoint, boasting the likes of Ulysses S. Grant, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Rudyard Kipling, Henry David Thoreau, Theodore Roosevelt, and Woodrow Wilson. That roll call, and the fact that each room has a name, translates into nightly charges that are completely and utterly beyond my means. Unlike some other redonkulously expensive places I have stayed, though, this was completely worth it. After all, Mofo only has a milestone birthday - well - every five years or so.
Was Mofo happy? Well, that's all relative. She thoroughly enjoyed reporting that she didn't sleep well the first night because there was a 'funny smell' in her room (Woodrow Wilson?) and because she found a potato bug on the canopy of her bed. (WTF?) I think for Mofo, finding and pointing out these imperfections made her stay completely perfect.
All in all, the mission was a smashing success, although I think someone was truly worried about the potential for a heart attack and tipped Mofo off. That's OK. We managed to get her all overwrought and made her cry, and, if you choose to adopt Mofo's world view, that's all that her children really want out of life, anyway!
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