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Heaven Mini Theatre - CLOSED
Category: Adult Entertainment [Edit]
Neighborhoods: Financial District, North Beach/Telegraph Hill483 Broadway Street.
(between Rowland St & Kearny St)
San Francisco, CA 94133
- Price Range:
-
$$$$
- Accepts Credit Cards:
- Yes
- Good for Groups:
- Yes
- Wheelchair Accessible:
- No
- Outdoor Seating:
- No
- Music:
- Juke Box
- Best Nights:
- Thu, Fri, Sat
- Happy Hour:
- No
- Smoking:
- No
- Coat Check:
- No
4 reviews for Heaven Mini Theatre
I went here for my Fraternal Big bro's birthday from Alpha Zeta Psi and boy did this place sucks ballz and money literally. The strippers were way overpriced... they kept asking for more money at every turn and at the beginning it was already like a 40-50 dollar package and then I just stopped because I heard my friend has spent over 100 dollars..
Dang greedy ass servicersss , this is the first and worst exp that's gonna set me off going to those kind of joints in the future, I'm scarred.
By the number of reviews about this place, it's obvious.
You yelpers don't have the stones to step foot in this place.
But that's where I come in and I will share my experience with you.
I definitely took one for the team on this one.
Just call me the Anthony Bourdain of strip clubs.
Ironically, all the walls were painted red.
You figured there would be blue sky and clouds somewhere.
Instead, the opposite.
I was greeted by a beautiful young blonde at the door, wearing a baby blue bikini and a purple see thru robe with, yes, wings.
She took my hand and led the way up the creaky stairs to the lobby.
This might have been the most sad lobby in the history of lobbies.
First, the air was so musty inside.
I didn't notice and windows or vents anywhere.
The walls were still red, and all that was there was a counter and an ATM.
Damn, could y'all throw some plants up in here or something?
Some motherfuckin' bamboo or whatever.
Also, the place was dead silent.
The purple angel walked me past the counter into the first room on the left and turned on the light.
Once again, the room had red walls, no window and no vents.
There were four things in this room, each of them questionable in their own right.
A red (surprise) leather couch.
A HUGE pile of assorted panties.
A radio.
A shower in the corner, enclosed with glass doors.
WTF?!?!?!
"Have a seat", she says.
"No thanks, I'd rather stand."
And in true adult entertainment fashion, she uses me as a pole and does this swift pelvic thrusting jump on me while caressing my neck which forces me to sit on the couch while she lands on my lap.
That move happened so fast it deserves it's own star.
She then proceeded to compliment me on my perfect face. (!!!)
I was flattered, stunned and frightened all at the same time, and my eyes wouldn't stop staring at that damn shower.
Where am I right now. What is going on around me.
The angelic purple one was after all, this sweet young beautiful girl.
I've come across plenty a hooker in the Mission, but she was high class.
She finally named her price.
150 for a fully nude 20 minute dance.
200-500 for "extras".
Extras, huh.
That was my cue to leave.
Of course she gave me a bit of last minute resistance.
I was really dying for some Purell at this point.
Raced down the stairs because I really needed some air.
Went home and took a shower with the hottest water I could tolerate.
So to sum up... *vomits*
Heaven?!
Nate M. - "If this was Heaven, then I hope God sends me straight to Hell."
after visiting centerfolds with the guys, we were gonna go eat. but one of the guys had a little too much fun at centerfolds and wanted to go to hustler. then this other guy mentioned that we should go to heaven, cuz it had no cover charge. but the other guys were hesitant. i piped up and said, might as well, since it has no cover!
so we walk back to this seedy looking stairwell that has a guy standing downstairs telling people that there are no cover. earlier, there was a girl standing outside with him looking very prostitute-y.
i made the mistake of touching the handrail briefly on my way up the stairs.. ick! it was all sticky and shit.
when we get up there, it was like a room with a bunch of guys sitting on the couches. there was an empty mini-stage with a pole in the middle. there were two massage chairs with an asian guy giving someone else a back massage. the whole place was lit in dim red with a foreboding hallway with multiple rooms with closed, unmarked doors.
i guess the deal with this place is, u just come here and get "dances" from girls without the cover or the show or any class at all. we sat around long enough to see 2 girls walk out of those rooms with clients and one of them introduced herself as "cici" motioning at her c-sized twins. then she exclaimed, "let's see some money!"
that was about the time we walked back downstairs. the girls aren't bad looking at all, pretty normal/cute. personally, i just can't give this place more than 1 star cuz it's just so seeeeedy (can you blame me?!) but i guess i am biased since i don't know the prices or what goes on behind those doors. but if you're looking for some private high mileage action in stripclub row in sf, i guess this is the kind of place to get it at!
