Halloween

Elite '08

895

1906

Kristina R.

San Francisco, CA

Last Halloween, I went shopping at the Diamond Heights Safeway. I needed candy for the non-existent Trick-or-Treaters I wasn't going to see at my door...again.  

It was a cold and dark night, and I was on the lookout for freaky ghosts or ghouls, but this Safeway is neither haunted, nor creepy.

But I can't think about this Safeway without recalling the weirdest experience I've ever had. I needed milk and goodies for some delicious Kristina R. cupcakes (cupcrack tm: Connie C.) I was making.  It was later in the evening, around 8:00 pm, so there weren't too many people milling around.  I was wandering the aisles, looking for chocolate and other such delectable, when I noticed a woman wearing fuzzy Spongebob slippers standing by the confectioner's sugar.  She was looking at me rather strangely.

Being used to having people look at me rather strangely, I ignored her and continued on my way towards the eggs.  As I grabbed the economy size box of eggs, I looked to the right and saw the SAME WOMAN staring at me, but in an "I KNOW YOU" kind of way.  

She was a funky gal, with a shock of blond hair that stuck up slightly in places, and I think she was wearing some kind of dickey under her woolly sweater.  She had on pink and green argyle socks, and, of course, her fuzzy Spongebob slippers.  I told myself while looking down at my feet, "Don't make eye contact.  Don't make eye contact.  Remember Kristina, you are a freak magnet."

Now, I actively tried to lose the psycho by waltzing towards the health food section.  NOBODY is ever in this section, so I knew I'd be safe.  I fondled the granola bars and spelt for a little bit, and then...THERE SHE WAS.  But this time, she actually spoke to me!

"I KNOW YOU."  She said in a big voice.  She was a tiny woman, but she had an impressive pair of lungs on her.  "YOU'RE CASEY'S DAUGHTER."

I started to sweat a little, not being comfortable with crazy freaky potential psycho killers an' all.  "Um.  I'm sorry, ma'am.  But I think you're mistaken.  I don't know anyone nam..."

"YES YOU ARE.  YOU ARE CASEY'S DAUGHTER, LOLA!  I REMEMBER YOU!"

"Uh.  NO.  I'm NOT Casey's daughter, Lola.  I have my own messed up family, thank you very much."  I replied, trying to walk away from the weird situation.

But then, she made contact.  She grabbed my arm and pulled insistently.  "WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?  WHY ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE NOT WHO YOU REALLY ARE?"

At that point, I started looking around for help.   But for the first time ever recorded in Safeway history, there were no clerks, checkers, stockers or managers patrolling the aisles.  I was seriously screwed.

I pulled away with a tug and started walking away from her with a quick pace, trying to lose her in the cereal aisle.  I didn't look back, but I could hear her padding behind me in those fuzzy slippers as she muttered out loud, "Why doesn't she know me?  Why doesn't she say who she is?  She's who she is, and she isn't who she thinks she is..."

Holy CRAP.  I started a slight jog as I headed towards the produce.  Pad, pad, pad, pad, pad..."Where is she going?  WHERE ARE YOU GOING, LOLA?  YOU ARE BEING SO RUDE!"  

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!  I took off in a full run, and got some distance between us.  But like a linebacker, the psycho woman hit the ground and grabbed my ankle with her right hand.  I tried to get away and started screaming at the top of my lungs, "HEEEELLLPPPP!  SAFEWAY DUDES!  SOMEONE!"  as I pulled and pulled and pulled, trying to get away.  No one came as I continued to pull and pull and pull my leg...

...just like I'm pulling yours now!  Bwa HA!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, YELPERS!  

Oh God.  Please don't block me.

(NOTE:  The person who told me this joke is no longer my friend...so you can blame her for the last 10 minutes of your life being completely and utterly wasted.)

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Elite '08

122

336

Shari D.

Fremont, CA

I used to LOVE Halloween.... I love dressing up, that's for sure. In my mom's neighborhood where I grew up, people really got into it. Maybe it was the times.... late '70's early '80's. I don't know. But there were the scary houses that you didn't want to walk up to alone because a "crazy witch" was sitting on the porch with an old record player playing scary music, with her hood pulled down low, bent over her bowl of candy like she was mixing up a nasty brew.... or the house where the "gorilla" was running around chasing the little kids down to the corner.... I mean, people were INTO it.

Now adays you have a few people here and there who really make it fun for the kids, but I'm afraid I'm not one of them. I haven't even dressed up in two years! My neighborhood has mostly apartment complexes where the kids go to better neighborhoods to do their trick-or-treating. Who can blame them? They can get Snickers and Milky Ways and packs of gum at the rich houses.... in our neighborhood they probably hand out singles of Wrigley's or small packets of candy corns. If you're lucky, someone might be handing out Tootsie Pops or something.

Last year we didn't have anyone come to our door. Probably because I had the light off and was hiding in my room reading a book, and waiting for the inevitable sound of a pumpkin landing on the porch... alas, nothing that exciting happened. I couldn't even hear the far away sound of groups of kids walking down the street laughing and talking. It was desolate. Barren. Spooky. Not at all what I'd expect Halloween to be like!!

Anyway, it was more fun when I was younger than it has been as an adult. Maybe I've outgrown the need to dress up... at least outside of the bedroom, ha ha! I guess I keep waiting for someone to throw an outstanding Halloween party where I can dress up to my heart's content, and act like a kid myself. I don't think I'm ready yet to hand out candy all night, and ooh and ahh over OTHER people's costumes. I still want to be the one running around out there with my costume on, my plastic jack-o-lantern in hand, and tricks on my mind....

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Elite '08

386

784

miika m.

San Francisco, CA

I love this time of the year.

The leaves are starting to fall off the trees all the while leaving copper colored prints all over my silver car, windows, and stoop to my apartment.  My friend slipped on a wet pile the other day in her high heeled boots for her dominatrix outfit and almost fell on her ass if I didn't grab her arm.

I did not buy any pumpkins this year because if I leave it out, some loser dumbass idiot would grab it and toss it on the sidewalk or even on my car out of venting because they are so low on the totem pole of humanity that they beat out aggressions on a defenseless gourd.  But I do enjoy watching people carving intricate designs on them.

Candy aisles are filled to the seams with shelves stockpiled with bags and bags of candy.  I traipse down the local Target, pulling Kit Kats, Snickers, Reeses, and Tootsie Pops with abandon, never mind my big Japanese butt getting bigger and bigger through osmosis due to close proximity to the offender.

And I'm sitting here, listening to nothing but bad terrible negating CNN on a loop, looking outside, and watching the leaves flutter in the cold wind outside and realize we are now in November.  And then I am reminded that within a few weeks, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be upon me and my pocketbook with a raging wrath worse than a woman(or man)  scorned.

Halloween.  A true precursor to the end of another year.

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