Discretions

Elite '09

196

114

Dallas G.

Phoenix, AZ

7/14/2008

Ok, let's just say hypothetically that you're out on a Saturday night. And let's just say, hypothetically, of course, that you're adventurous. And let's just say, well, hypothetically, that you've experienced many of the offerings already in the greater Phoenix Area in terms of nightlife. What does one do given all these hypothetical circumstances? I don't know. You tell me. I'm looking for stuff to do...

But I'll tell you what my friend "Jonny" did... He went to Discretions... Jonny is a bit of a prude so Jonny didn't participate in any wild debauchery as you might be assuming. But Jonny was kind enough to relate to me what he saw...

And it wasn't pretty.

Jonny was met by a hot alternative lifestyle livin' lady at the door who demanded $80 for Jonny and his date. Cash. Now, it's $25 a piece for a membership fee and $30 for the couple. The membership fee is one time. You get a membership card. Display it proudly on the refrigerator. Next to your kid's report card.

So one walks in and there are single dudes (I don't know how to describe this - not ethnically diverse, strangely) staring into a room. There's a big sign that says something like "Couples only Friday and Saturday nights" and so we pass that by because my, oh I mean Jonny's companions were nervous about the experience to begin with and didn't want to see any boinking right off the bat.

So you walk through the main room and there are people chilling on couches. And there's a bar where everything but alcohol is served. It's 18 and over, friends! Free snacks. Water is available and sodi-pop is like $1.

So Jonny's friends all retreat to the latrines and Jonny is left in the cold clammy figurative hands of horny 50 year old business men and women, ladies of the night, whose glory days have come and gone, though Jonny didn't judge them. Jonny merely remarked to himself, "I'm glad someone appreciates her."

So my friend and Jonny walked over to the original room they passed where they watch some couples gettin' busy. You know, the birds and bees, for all to see. And Jonny grabs his companion and pulls her into the love dungeon. And they get the first couch by the gated entrance, the only one left. Jonny and his friend are voyeurs this night and they see a lot of friendliness. A lot of things that were illegal until just a few years ago. But the only thing that disturbed Jonny was the dude whose junk was fortified between the gate bars right by our couch. And he was touching it. A lot. And Jonny feared what could happen to his shoes, or worse, should the man put in his headphones and listen to "Blister in the Sun" by the V. Femmes. I've seen some unfortunate discharges in my day. Things you didn't think possible.

So they get bored and leave the room because, frankly, they've seen it all before. And Jonny and companion wait for their friends who are (in a whisper) in. a. back. room. Not one of the one's with a glass wall, unfortunately. Jonny would have watched. It was their first date. I am not kidding.

You gotta try it. Just go. Everyone is friendly. No pressure. Super chill.

• Add owner comment
• Bookmark
• Send to a Friend
• Link to This Review