Cider Mill Restaurant & Lounge

Elite '08

70

185

Don B.

Portland, OR

This place is scary... and dirty. I am ok with scary and dirty when it comes to Asian places because, well, Asia is scary and dirty, as it merely adds to the intrigue of a place. When it comes to places run by white people, however, scary and dirty is just that, scary and dirty. It reminds me of Deliverance, and that is BAD.

My friend Ryan and I decided to check this place out one weekday for lunch.  We walked inside and we could almost hear the needle scratching across the record on the jukebox. All the patrons in the joint (maybe 7 or 8) stopped what they were doing and looked skeptically at us.  After a momentary awkward pause, they went back to what they were doing, and we waded through the thick, smoke filled room to a table by the window.  The place was full of "regulars", and was attended by a waitress that looked, shall we say, a bit weathered (bad perm, uber-tight jeans hiked up to mid stomach, bedazzled shirt on, and looking pretty cashed out).  She seemed to know all of them by name, and the conversations seemed too personal to be small talk.  They were wearing the usual dive-bar assortment of fashions - plaid flannel, denim, trucker hats, bad perms, etc.  The waitress came over and asked if we were there for lunch (it was, like, 12:15pm), and handed us some menus. We looked around and everyone else was either coiffing stiff drinks, or eating things like pork chops, mashed potatoes, etc. Not light fare.

The chicken is inexpensive. It is offered on a piece by piece basis. We selected the 3-piece meal, with my associate specifying "three breasts, please." "Are you sure?" "Yes." She seemed to have some reservations, but for some reason decided not to voice those reservations. We proceeded to wait what seemed to be an eternity for our chicken, while the everyday business of the place went on around us. The waitress was super nice, and kept apologizing to us for the delay, explaining that the chicken was so big, that they have to cook it for a long time to get it done. We eagerly awaited what was to come.

Then, something bad happened. Something evil. We had been there long enough that we needed to go to the bathroom. Something very wrong was or had happened recently in that bathroom. Something inhuman. I'm not talking about some nasty after-#2 smell... I'm talking about death.  It smelled like someone died in that bathroom and had been in there for days, just rotting away. I have smelled human death, and that is what it smelled like.  It was very, VERY unsettling. Who, or what, had died in there, I don't ever want to know. If someone ever makes a horror movie about a restaurant bathroom that kills people and leaves their corpses to rot, they'll film it here.  I still have nightmares about it.

The chicken arrived, and the only thing bigger than the pile of chicken on the plates was our eyes (in shock).  The 3-piece is HUGE. HUMONGOUS.  The breasts themselves are almost 2" thick, and at least 6" long. The thigh and wing were HUGE too.  Ryan's order of 3-breasts was staggeringly gigantic. No mere mortal could eat so much chicken.  Our first question was, where do these chickens come from? Some sort of genetic experiment gone awry??  The breading was nice and crispy, and not too over-cooked.  It was seasoned with lots and lots and lots of salt, plus some other seasonings (probably pepper).  The chicken was done well.  It was very greasy, but hey, its fried chicken. We eagerly tore through as much as we could (and we can eat a LOT), but seemed to not make much headway.  We ate, and ate, and ate, but still, the pile of chicken only seemed to grow.  The chicken is delicious, by the way. Salty fried greasy meaty goodness.

The chicken was accompanied by these crazy potatoes, the "Lil Joh's Spuds", that were sort of like seasoned Jo-jo's.  They came with this dill/creamy sauce that was pretty good (and when combined with the chicken, was enough to stop even the heartiest of arteries).  The roll was a waste of time, as was the salad.  Don't bother me with these trivialities when I have all this chicken to eat. We ate until we could eat no more, then packed up the rest of our chicken (I had the breast still left, and Ryan had 2 breasts remaining) and we left smelling like cigarette butt, fryer oil, and evil (from the bathroom).   Neither of us were hungry until late that night or the next morning.

I would recommend getting the chicken to-go from this place. Also, I would recommend calling ahead for your chicken.  Also, stay away from the evil place that is the bathroom. You would be safer taking a crap in the middle of Capitol Hwy.

The chicken here is better than Popeye's, but the atmosphere, that they are only open regular restaurant hours, the wait, and the evil bathroom, make me rate it a 3 instead of 4 (for overall experience).

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Elite '08

7

88

Larry H.

Portland, OR

Also known as Fryer Tuck's, this bar is usually full of an older clientele than say, KFC or Popeye's. The reason for this is that they know where the best fried chicken's at, and KFC or Popeye's doesn't serve booze. Their age not withstanding, this place is friendly. A word of advice though, go with the waitresses who are older rather than the high school girls they have sometimes, you'll get your food quicker. This place is probably the best deal in town with 3 big pieces of chicken and a pile of L'il John's Spuds for $5.50. Their beer selection is surprisingly varied and though their other food is merely average, why are you even coming here if you don't want fried chicken? I would seriously suggest eating here instead of getting takeout.  It can get a little smoky depending on which regulars are in here, but if you don't like it, you can go to the fryer tuck's section.  They have a large screen tv but I've never seen it on.  It is an enjoyable place to have a chicken eating contest though, although I wish they had a little pepper salt on the premises because their chicken can be a little bland for a formosan country boy...these days I usually bring my own.

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